Indirect Food Additives

if you love your friends
as well as your enemies
protect your kitchen

if your friends go bad
and stain your new counter top
no sympathy here

if enemies laugh
and spike your food with Marplan
your love was squandered

Suddenly...

Marplan kitchen bear
makes everything better
ignore the mean words

If you get confused more easily in the evening, you are in danger. If your evenings are quiet and peaceful, double danger!

Carrageenan (Downtown Chino Mashup)

I put a slice of cucumber into a glass of ice water
That did not make me a restaurant
But I guess it worked for you

I put some romaine lettuce on a crumbly cracker
But I did not call it a suspended salad
Like it was a bridge or something

I have spent money unwisely at times
But at least I did not cash out my retirement
To open such an awful bistro

Stop eating. Start again. Now that's something!

Water "Caliente"

I felt water caliente when I walked through the door
They used water caliente in the soup of the day
Maybe water caliente is the price that we pay
Water caliente
Hey hey hey

a willow near the Hotel Crown
beneath it is the evening gown
you wore it when we gave a crap
I kind of need my morning nap

There was a Minnesota boy who saw a lake that boiled
And water caliente was all he could say
Maybe water caliente is the price he paid
Water caliente
Hey hey hey

a man has bones beneath his flesh
his skin works like a... (like a mesh)
but pressure ruptures all that's sealed
these scars will never... (never heal)

Hotel trashcans are always too small. You are way too small!

Boniva® and Burdock Root

There once was an island so terrible
No lesson 'twas learned there was shareable
Some reference to Sally Field
This line has the last word of parable

A terrible island existed
For mothers grown short, their bones twisted
Another Sally Field reference
Ends with "wristed"

Put Ritter on the terrible island. End with snarky command!

Modafinil (Wisconsin Aggregate)

The waitress had obviously been crying. All of her eyes were not dotted. All of her tees were not crossed. I ordered the breakfast burrito without sour cream. Just then (I had just finished saying the last part of the word burrito) the waitress walked out of the restaurant, pausing briefly to hand a sealed white envelope to Tiny Suzie.
With the waitress gone and Tiny Suzie wielding obvious control over coworkers and customers alike, Suzie opened the envelope, unfolded the folded paper with writing on it, and read aloud:

density derivative estimation at boundary points
I tried to be good for both you and the boys
and while I know it's surprising to hear I can't function
high order bias kernel reduction

Tiny Suzie refolded the paper with writing on it and placed it back in the envelope. A new waitress (who had also been crying) screwed up my order and I ended up with sour cream on my breakfast burrito.

A little extra pampering can make you feel like a million bucks!

CG33943

your sugar-walled baby maker
brought a vanilla-scented candle
to the Mantis Club reunion dinner

vagina with legs
vagina with eggs
vagina at the Mantis Club reunion dinner

your Jack Lalanne Juicer
really macerated my beets
oh how I love you

please order magazines
from the kids down the street
vagina at the Mantis Club reunion dinner

please get a discount
on the dollar-store beets
vagina at the Mantis Club reunion dinner

Use your vagina to help and not hurt! Someday your logo will be on a flag!

Glucansucrase Enzyme (Bronson Canyon Remix)

cake impurities
compound icing songs of love
spiracle musics

We didn't really think of ourselves as criminals. There were four or five of us from the same high school clique. We were teenagers out to have some fun and we had an incomplete understanding of consequence. It was 1981 and the orange groves had been torn out of the rocky Claremont soil to be replaced by tract homes. We had set out to steal some advertising flags from the myriad construction sites and then use the stolen flags to "tee-pee" a friend's front yard. We drank Henry Weinhard's beer and drove around gathering flags on that crisp October night. We listened to cassettes of the Clash, Visage, and the Zippers. When we finally had about 15 flags, we draped them all over our friend's lawn. Nothing bad happened to us.

Use memories as a way to gauge your current satisfaction with your life! Oh wait...don't do that.

Borage Seed Paste (Chick Mix)

they tried to separate us
we were from different castes
they made a paste from borage seeds
believing it to be a healing poultice
they covered you from stem to stern
your skin could feel the poultice burn
I think that is what killed Chick Hearn
a man from whom we all could learn

Sometimes trying is not enough. You need a gun and a ©oleman tent!

Nutmeg (not Borage Seed Oil #2)

do not expect a negative nutrient
because those have been moved to storage
by some hired hands

the men and women hired to move the negative nutrients
were fairly stupid people
nice, but stupid

I told them I would give them $40 each
but those dummies made me pay them $60 each
that is a $20 difference
like I said...stupid people

the nutrient tonight is full of positive energy
the hired hands were kept well away
through the use of distractants
like shiny objects and a mantis cake

mantis cake baby
the frosting is your sex skirt
cold wash tumble dry

Keep your hands in your pockets. Keep looking down.

Sumatriptan

Suma tripped and broke her hip
And on the tile she landed
The nursing home left her alone
Alone, in pain, and stranded

Suma's nurses napped in turns
While one would play the sentry
Their duty was to wake their peers
On supervisor's entry

Suma yelled and cried and moaned
But help was hours from coming
While on the floor she vowed revenge
Revenge, white hot, and stunning

Suma healed in two months' time
With the help of a robot named Timmy
Timmy's cpu had a firmware flaw
And he pinched off Suma's head with his claw

The human heart is like a gas tank. Explosive and dark!

Nutrient Budgets (bulk + occult deposition)

When your "religious retreats" became a weekly event
And you began stocking up on Hunt's® Tomato Sauce

I had four questions that I kept to myself:

1. Will a healing poultice cure you?
2. Should I kill you in your sleep?
3. Was there ever a Godzilla Doodle Art poster?
4. Why was my car repossessed?

When I found your Post-It® note about Dwight D. Eisenhower's warning
I had three concerns that I kept to myself:

1. Worship of a reptile is forbidden by my "personal rules"
2. You sauce girls are complicated, to say the least
3. I miss my car, Lizard Sauce Queen

Stop reading Visual Nutrients. Learn a Chilean custom, just in case!

Hydnocarpus Wightiana

A can of tomato sauce
Not an expected find
You seem smarter
Like a paste woman
But here is the evidence
You are a sauce girl
Sauce girls do not receive the healing poultice
Whole peeled ladies receive extra healing (not extra-healing) poultice
Paste women get most anything they need
But the evidence clearly shows
You are a sauce girl
You are not entitled to receive the healing poultice

Use positive thoughts like weapons! Use weapons like guns!

Pine Sap

you had crystalized pine sap
in an urn at the inn
you were a terrible innkeeper
though not deserving of being defrauded
your downstairs dining area was filthy
only the drug-addled and destitute
would eat such a travesty of a continental breakfast
dry and uninteresting danish
Farmer Brothers coffee
you brought shame to your profession
the profession of innkeeping
which is (as stated above)
what you did

You actually do see the forest for the trees. Your insight is just puffed-up regret!

Ethylene Glycol (warning: explicit!)

When I sent you the spice rack
You bottled your spices

the man's skin was the color of Mountain Dew™
we thought he might have some sort of problem with his liver
but he ended up saving our lives (sniffle) and
and (sniffle/cough-ahem thing) we are oh so grateful

When I sent you the lilacs
You parsed them with lysis

he walked right through the wall like Casper®
we tried to get his attention with guns and stuff
then he used "erudite" correctly in a sentence

And now you expect me
To help with your crisis?

the first line ends with a Product™
and the next tries to "tie-in" the jaundiced man
and pass him off as educated

And when feeding the shrimp
Do we start with the mysis?

the product turns out to be Jaundiced Man™
who is able to save lives while being discolored
and is smart but undisciplined

Do we yell out "Shazam!"
Or "Oh mighty Isis!?"

Profoundly offensive missive was censored! (it had to do with the creepy old man in the motorhome sodomizing™ Billy Batson)

Corn Sugar

I opened up a cabinet
Hoping to find corn sugar
I was disappointed
Be careful what you hope for

Not everyone has corn sugar in the cabinet!

Oat Grass (non-organic)

that an invitation
to the Predation Singles Mixer
raised no suspicions (red flags) within you
is pretty fucking baffling

you were the star of the party
with your über-hip Makara tattoo
and all eight seasons of Three's Company on dvd

the police report was never translated
from the original Sanskrit

Everyone loves your advice. You are so smart!

Half-Ton of Chloride

I used a newspaper
Without reading the news
I used a Jack Lalanne Juicer
Without drinking the juice
Sometimes the use of an object
Is anything but obvious
I use a whole lot of objects
A word that rhymes with obvious

If you've got nothing worthwhile to say, write a poem or a song! Your neck hurts!

Domoic Acid

Divorce had worked her way up Columbia Avenue
Two houses down from us, "Dan" and "Deanna" got hit
Their house is on the market for a pittance
The girls across the street caught it as well
Want to rent a cute Spanish-style bungalow?
They thought they made it through the tough times
They clearly did not
You can keep your doors locked
You can change out the number on your mailbox
But when Divorce picks your house
Or your apartment or trailer
You will know, in the back of your mind, she chose correctly

Hold close the one you love. Embrace the temporary.

Atropine

when we made first contact
with the beings from space
they drank up all our atropine
yeah they drank up all the atropine
we tried to give them cherry juice
we even offered apple juice
they only wanted atropine
oh, such a thirst for atropine
when we first made contact
we should have run the other way
before they took our atropine
our precious stores of atropine

You can't catch lupus from a doorknob, but it hurts like hell to try!

Yeast (stop reading if responsible)

I bought my neighbor a shovel
Because he lived in a hovel
And lacked the read of my novel

I gave my neighbor a present
Not a Pillsbury crescent
Pheasant

My neighbor is a chicken
A hen to be exact (three hens)
Chicken chicken chicken

You are still reading this
(Please stop reading NOW if you are responsible)
You drink chicken piss
I do not know how you get the piss of chickens
But you drink it and you disgust me
How awful it is what you do

Draw a picture of a clock on an envelope. Obey dumb commands!

Ash

I hear you got the position at United Telemetrics
That is fantastic news, son
Your mother was a believer
Before she was reduced in size

(imagine some accordion music or war sounds)

I hear your son volunteered for the implant
The United Telemetrics team rewards heroes
Hell, we create heroes
Like you created your son with his now smaller mother

(a graduated cylinder holds phosphates hostage)

Your condiments are like "enhancement-medicine" for your food! Your focus is narrow!

Multivitamin

These dissociative identity vitamins aren't going to reintegrate on their own!
So let's dissect and label each component in order to map out our strategy. We will afford each component the respect and accommodations we would afford to any "stand-alone" vitamin in our care. It should be no surprise to you that many of these components are unaware of the others' existence. Once we, as professionals, feel we have a relationship with each of the components, we can begin to invite them together. A neutral venue is best, like a country hot tub (the kind made from those old wine barrels). I often keep the multivitamins in their container until I am fully relaxed (rye whiskey is helpful in this regard). I then lose interest in whatever the fuck I was blathering on about. I drift back into the grim facts associated with existing. I am tired and still have a cold and I have a lot to do tomorrow.

Good night! Vitamins use our services once they understand.

Phosphonate (e-book edition)

I do not like your books:

Drape Courage "A Civil War veteran befriends his battlefield nemesis at a New York design college. Two men, three legs, one love, and a bolt of fabric to die for."

Minimum Rage "A marginalized worker writes threatening letters to his supervisor, but never bothers to send them."

Smaller Mothers "On a terrible island, something is happening."

Fate Hoppers "When Larry and Brian discover their science teacher is a time-traveler, they attack him with rocks until he flees in his time-machine."

If you put your batteries in the freezer, that explains the corn in the flashlight.

Aqua Tofana

I lost track of people like you about the same time "envelope margaritas" became so popular.
Haiku Envelope Margarita
drink trends come and go
most do not require postage
but alas, some do

Imagine my surprise when I reconnected with people like you at the Quasi-Texas Gymnastic Revue in Corn Springs.
Haiku Corn Springs
make a shame gimlet
and use a glass, not paper
I want it first class

People like you were waiting for me in the parking lot of the Super 8 Motel, wearing masks to make you look like "history cats" or celebrities.
Haiku History Cats
a lot can go wrong
in shipping live animals
cats stacked like cord-wood

Use your thoughts to make sentences in your head. It's like a letter to your mind!

Mittelbach Translation

how does one say "happy birthday" to a life form
brought forth from an aerosol with the word "reddi" on the can?
or is it more of a question of knowing, rather than saying?
do we (I) ask these questions already knowing the answer?
we (I) do
we and I do because of the tenacity shown by both John Ritte(r)
and Ed Asner (postmortem)
Ed's speech at the Lynyrd Skynyrd memorial was weak
like mary when she bought the wrong gift and freaked out
GIRLS LEARN BY CRYING is the message and the message is wrong
we (I) have known this
since the time we (I) went to the dairy section of Vons
and sucked the nitrous out of about 12 cans of whipped cream
and stumbled through the Hartz (toxic) pet supplies
toward the cash register
to get that precious pack of Winstons
so the we (I) could look contemplative and smart
when wishing you a happy birthday!

Happy birthday, Stella! Use nitrous oxide!

Coal Tar Oxidized with Nitric Acid (from ammonia)

I keep reading your posts from McMurdo Station
about your stupid plan to name penguins
after your favorite post apocalyptic science fiction authors

I print out each email, tweet, and blog post
(so much for the paperless future!)
and use a Scotch® Permanent Glue Stick
to create kind of a scrapbook of your thought patterns
that I can show to you when you come back to me

but for now I am content to wait here
with the knowledge that you still believe
that distance is some sort of buffer zone
and that I will somehow find forgiveness in my heart
after seeing that photograph of you
a sardine in each hand
sandwiched between Peter Watts and Nevil Shute

Use words like "archivist" when talking to authors. You smell like a library!

Carson, California

it really felt good
when I found out
you boxed me in
on purpose
I never considered myself
overtly suicidal
but you were there enough
to get the gist

but now I wake up in Carson
and I just have to say
fuck you for saving me
what kind of monster
would extract a man from hell
and yank certainty away?
so please get into your car
and drive into a wall

Helping people feels good. For the helper!

Borage Seed Oil II, pt. III

so you killed a tree
borage seed oil II, pt. III
you stung a bee, oh

the tables have turned
use the word "the" and then "then"
(then the) tables turned

oh, how you hurt me
borage seed oil II, pt. III
made you sting a bee

The California Black Bear wears a man-suit! Bears everywhere!

Borage Seed Oil II, pt. II

on Sunday mornings we sweep up the bottles on 3rd street
some shattered, some intact
all empty
the familiar yellow labels with bold black lettering:
Borage Seed Oil II, pt. II
say what you want about the drinkers
just let us do our job
it is a weekly routine, now
one block of the city is claimed
for a few hours before Sunday's dawn
we let them have their ritual or whatever it is
because it never works to fight them
and cleaning up some bottles is nothing
compared to the alternative

Memorize two numbers today, six and seven!

Hückel Criteria

There once was a belt with a buckle
That tightened your waist with a chuckle
The mirth of containment
Along with the pain meant
Criteria was met for Hückel

You seem extraordinarily stable! Why the fishy smell?

Delta-5-Desaturase

another enzyme overdose assigned to Phil
thus wrecking his marriage
we could blame his drinking
we could even blame her dastardly sandpaper trick
but on even casual examination
the enzyme overdose is what split them apart

the real tragedy is their known child
a daughter named Lamp
she would watch her father in the basement with his specimens
rigid human forms in filthy, clinging hospital gowns
Lamp wears a hospital gown these days
but only gets visits on weekends

so we have the obvious tragedy of a broken contract
because of a man who loved his profession and drank profusely
and because of a woman with a 5.5" x 9" half sheet of 60 grit
and then we have the emotional evisceration of a young lady witness
who came to understand the appeal of the inherent rigidity
of each and every enzyme overdose

Use respect as an apéritif. Use the word apéritif to sound like a dick!

Beta-Cryptoxanthin (Delta's Blues)

Delta Burke's husband provided cover while Steve and I retook the uniform store in the recently revamped Mountaingreen Center with Kohl's as an anchor store. Smocks littered the floor and did a lousy job at soaking up the blood of the enemies. The rest of the unit would have to wait until we secured the entire stripmall before they could bring in the Shopvacs for cleanup. The Shopvacs were vacuums that cleaned both liquids and solids. It's surprising you didn't already know that, but I imagine you're still thinking about the smocks.

haiku smock thinker
you really need to get laid
to stop the smock think

Two-thirds of our squad survived the retaking of Kohl's #42. Me and Steve. Delta Burke's husband was killed and therefore died. Breaking the news to Delta was a job I gave to Steve because I knew he had feelings for her. Better to lay the groundwork for her weeping-widow seduction scenario with the guy who deserved it. Steve. Steve deserved it.

Try letting go of your anger and just let a wave of peace wash over you. Didn't work for me, either.

Rod-Shaped Bacteria (Sweet Home Alabama: Remix)

Bill, I believe this is killing me!
the sweltering heat
well, it totally sweltered
they were like hot dogs

everything

I'm not really sure how it goes!
smelly family
probably came from Homewood
dumb people central

everything

I hope Neil Young will remember!
their station wagon
parked in the southern sunshine
the windows rolled up

everything

But it's better than drinking alone!
the coroner's van
an air-conditioned palace
Alabama bound

It was 30 years ago today that three members of the country rock band Alabama were killed in a fiery train crash. That explains everything.

Lepidium Meyenii

she got fired today
not so much fired as let go
nonetheless she's gone

I feel kind of bad
her long drive home must have sucked
gas prices and all

I picture her now
calling an out of state friend
to voice her outrage

(imagine an outraged crying person saying the following):
how could they do this?
I moved to fucking L.A.
and lost everything*

Don't think about how your hair is tickling your neck. It itches!

*(future nutrient to address everything)

Lobelia (vomit wort)

the soldiers were the first to quit
filthy uniforms filled the laundry bins
while naked ex-soldiers laughed and danced

the disabled and infirm were the next to stop
wheelchairs and canes littered the hallways
and there was much jubilance amongst them

domesticated animals then abandoned the charade
subscriptions to streaming movie services quadrupled overnight
Benji and Flipper had again proven their timelessness

then there were those, like us, who were too afraid to stop
we held firm to our rituals and routines
and now we feel safe as we bask in our rewards

Try finishing something for a change. Your hopes are poisoned!

Thiourea and Clams

Harvey Levin could barely feel his hands, both of which had long since gone numb from the tightly wrapped duct tape that secured him to the wooden chair. He could weakly move his fingers, but it seemed like they belonged to someone else (which, in fact, was kind of true). He was new to being kidnapped and was surprised at how much it totally sucked. He had always run through scenarios in his mind where he would be abducted by Maoist rebels or some Islamist splinter group and would eventually outfox his captors and free his fellow hostages. From his place at the head of the elegantly set dining table he viewed his eight hosts and realized that he would pay big money to have the good fortune of being in a Gaza Strip basement or a Peruvian jungle camp.

Britney was the first of the hosts to bite into him, choosing his forearm. Harvey was amazed that he was able to feel that much pain. He had always figured that the brain would mercifully shut down those receptors in the rare event of being mauled by a wild animal. He was wrong. The others set upon him and were careful not to let him lose consciousness throughout their feast. Corey focused on the calves and feet, while Charles and Michael seemed overly focused on Mr. Levin's scalp and face. Conrad and Lindsay turned Harvey Levin's back into some sort of "bite-mark mandala" contest.

Call up a friend you're no longer close to. You'll remember why pretty quickly.

Diethyl Pyrocarbonate (DEPC)

top-off controller vs. the urethane tubesock
this is going to be a boring nutrient
ongoing battles
while the referee saddles a sagging sea hare
how clever that I use aquarium scenarios
the spurs on his referee boots
oh...that makes no sense. how odd and intriguing...and lazy
gash the proboscis of the attacking exchange student
now that last line was ok, but the three of you that read this blog are pretty much low-hanging fruit. no offense meant (blog readers are jerks)

Take a nap with an old friend. Your friends are arachnids!

FD&C Violet No. 1

you brought me cobalt sulphate
and smeared it on my chest
you treated me like birthday cake
I thought you were the best
the dancers brought the music
and singers sang their songs
the colors ran like rivers
through mouths that got along
you drowned out in the current
the river's work was done
they found your body yesterday
near violet number one

Cape Cod has the best fried clams! Does Cape Clam have the best fried cod?

False Unicorn (helonia)

Ric Ocasek Luggage Boutique held a fashion show for skin-boxes, while the uncomfortable sampling benches amplified my backache. I took out my "cellular" telephone to check the time and was successful in doing so. The lady seated next to me was one of the local "smock-art" zealots, proudly wearing a freshly painted art smock.
Haiku Art Smock
you could smell the smock
fresh paint brought out the smock smell
where is the price list?

Pay attention to solar storms. You are an unknowing tool of Chrissie Hynde!

Melatonin

massive disappointment
the kitchen staff had obviously fled
leaving fruit flies suspended in mid air
russets squinting through a thin brown plastic bag
and an autumn-themed oven mitt

Have that dream where you can't reach the steering wheel!

Ethanol (Victor Impress Paris)

"The VIP lounge filled with sexy smells
as the tarts writhed against the creeps."
There once was a neo-Victorian
Whose dishware was late-seventies Corian

Unfinished business is what's on the menu! Good night, stupids!

Strontium 90

You say words like "radio" and "tank"
Leaves the lot of your friends
Wondering
I say word combinations like "the lot" and it makes me feel British
And your wife turns up in the United States
She is pregnant with a baby child in her
And you tell me it makes you happy
And you are fairly certain you are the father
And she will give birth to a beautiful baby
Not a large ear of corn

Use coupons to cut down your outflow. Checkbooks are so 1988!

Corn Oil

It used to be a given
That oil was made from corn
At least 'twas true for salad oil
Matt Damon/Jason Bourne
A corn processing secret
It makes the oil romantic
Leonardo Dicaprio
Was good in The Titanic
Corn oil
Corn oil
Corn oil
A mole can make a mountain
On which it climbs a man
But Corporal Squirrel
Demands corn oil
Corn oil
Go to just a little bit of hell
Corn oil
Stupid movies, Sergeant Crow
Florence Henderson is limping
Corn oil

Lieutenant Cassidy halts your protest. You fear the crossing guard!

Helium 3

her voice got funny
like a cartoon character
we laughed and we laughed
then my turn came up
she passed me a full balloon
I breathed in deeply
searing pain gripped me
my lungs were filled with Moon dust
I began to float
my friends got smaller
as I ascended upward
toward my new home

When tossing a salad on Earth, use more force to compensate for the gravitational pull. Design a lever that pulls off your own head!

Iodine (from kelp) Part II: The Reckoning

Cityscape 231 is glorious in its simplicity:
A main square with mixed use commercial/residential.
Suburb attractants such as big box stores and health clubs.
Outlet malls and retraining camps a little further out.
Life support and waste management facilities as the outer circle.
And the protective blast wall melds seamlessly with the dome shield.
Your new family will be fully trained in "Home-Life" to help the transition go smoothly.

Does the mind helmet protect or correct? Relax and let go!

Iron

"Those shirts. They look smooth."
He will purchase a shirt.
"And that pillowcase...there are no apparent unnecessary creases."
He is named Chamber Sutherland, and he will be buying two pillowcases today.
"Rib Cafe!"
There will be ribs aplenty at Rib Cafe.

Name your appliances! They own you.

Chlorine (the year: 2146)

She complained about the chlorine smell in her portable exobladder. She had called me from the hunching parlor and accused me of putting bleach into one of her uretoports. I uncommed before she started welking.

What a complete haint!

Birthday Cake

your traffic school friends
force-fed me birthday cake
after I had passed out

my death was prevented
by your dachshund, "Pixie"
who (I am told) ate the cake from out of my mouth

you could have eaten the cake from out of my mouth
but you were upstairs with "Road Cone"
playing some sort of (I am told) game with your butt

Walk to your next doctor's appointment! Your driving is awful!

Phytonutrient Supplements for Seniors

card-game analogy goes here, like "bluffy got stumped"
and then we use a gun-word, like "poppy"
we imagine Bluffy and Poppy as neighbors
one is a man and one is not
so this man and not-man have dead spouses
long since removed from their respective homes
or so we imagine

Were you the one who told me about "Fire Nurse?" Never mind.

Rye or Whatever

You had food or something
And this big dog (it was your dog) misbehaved and pulled your arm down
Which would have been fine if you were walking instead of driving

I will not eat in your car because you do not drive in my kitchen!

Gelatin Capsules (filled with melamine)

His parents fed him female hormones from the time he turned nine.
boygirlboygirlsexyboygirlboy
He was passed from uncle to uncle to brother-in-law and back to mom and dad.
tvdinneraunttinahitachitelevision
By the time he turned fourteen he had fully developed breasts.
tittytittyboytittytittyboy
When he started victimizing others he was sixteen and overweight.
hippofatcowstupidfatnonono
He had a mustache and tits and knew how the game was played.
monopolyorriskorcomewithmestupidshit

Your posture could be better! Your memories tilt your body!

Taipoxin

do not thank me now
for giving you nutrients
through your hungry eyes
for I have no choice
my team of smart scientists
help me to do this
look at your screen now
and have your tiny moment

Wrap a pastor in rattan! Instant scratching post!

Quinoa Protein Concentrate

First off, let's just accept what's going on:
We've got inclement weather
We have aspirations that exceed our true potential
We have a fifteen-year history of motivational speakers
Addressing our aspirations

So here is the perfect storm:
Our aspirations need yardwork, i.e.: trimming
The weather is unpredictable
Potential is completely reliant on the following formula:
Resilience = r
Tenacity = t
aspirations = a
output (actual consumables, be it words or music, etc.) = o

So: r(o) + t(o) + a(o) = product
Product = history + weather in summation with rta(o)

And we rebel while mundane grains monopolize our maple syrup.

Try writing a book without content! Pussy!

Mantle Pinching

tire-store Dave rose to the sediment surface
his adductor muscle twitched like an unbalanced P195/65R-15
on a Chino side street
his swollen mantle edges flared and billowed (which is not easy)
and he was in serious danger of gaping

Dave was in some pretty big trouble
fortunately, Dave's coworkers were bivalve nurse-specialists
they did a quick test of his watery meats that showed unusual blistering
and the slime-net query yielded several possible treatments

customers at the shop, however, were growing restless
all had been fooled into buying three and getting one free
and were surprised that a full complement of tire-store employees
held skill-sets that were worth a yearly six figures at any fishery
on either the Atlantic, Pacific, or Gulf Coast

yet they all worked here at this Azusa, California tire store
tan and fit, holding both wrenches and stethoscopes
working to rescue Dave from a parasite unknown
while the Mazdas and Fords stayed perched on their lifts
high and safe above the sediment flooring

Try ordering two entrees for yourself on your next date! Pig!

Curcuma Longa

you went to Blythe for a month and started a war
North Lovekin Blvd. was a no-man's land that ran between the trenches
and you started using words like "parapet" and "billet" in your text messages
you even came up with a coughing emoticon after your company was gassed
you were the point person in Arizona's push Westward
and you kept your men in line
by using a mixture of humor and battlefield savagery
but then you were captured and executed

You should iron your clothes for a week so you don't look so sloppy and lazy.

Cyclodextrin Inclusion Compounds

Corcoran, California will initially be the main treatment center for the moderate to severely ill. The high-speed rail system will bring in hundreds of full passenger cars weekly from Los Angeles and San Francisco. The once-pristine interiors of the CalTrack Comfort Line will have had all the cushioning and carpets stripped out during the initial decontamination sequence. Most of the passengers will already be too far gone to notice a plastic arm-support jabbed into their liquefying torsos. The ones who are well enough to know the difference will be all the more compliant with the testing once they know that a comfortable bed and caring treatment staff await them through the gates of the Inclusion Compound.

Get your kids vaccinated in their eyes! Ouchie!

Zeaxanthin

you bought zeaxanthin at the farmacia
and then you put it in her drink
you must have made her wear a costume
she was Hogan, you were Klink
your acting skills were suspect
like you did not have a script
and it was less than 20 seconds
before Klink had Hogan stripped
though the webcam stream was blurry
and the dialogue was garbled
the halvah I was eating
was nutty, sweet, and marbled

Late-night snacks can be from almost any country!

Potassium Hydroxide

Honeywell, Raytheon, and McDonnell Douglas
Our collective fathers leached off those particular teats
And who could blame them?
To have a wife in a box
And bridge mix on the card tables
And a Tom Collins recipe to die for
What a fucking coup!
But it did not work now, did it?
The wives went nuts. Or gay. Or both.
And all of those companies became Boeing and dicked our fathers over
While we all got therapy to justify our hatred
And our collective fathers passed on
While we mollified our crazy gay mothers
And went to Cost Plus to buy substandard bridge mix

Our fathers meant well, but were really off the mark!

Chondodendron Tomentosum

they asked if I had an advanced directive
I told them that my directives were regressed
to the point of being infantile
they told me I could "opt out" of the procedure
but they would not recommend it
because of some "percentage chance" of something
a truly potential negative something
and I was smart enough to know
that my reliance on positive nothings
had run its course
the procedure failed and I died and went to heaven
but figured out how to mess with time and circumstance
so I am now back about two months prior to my death
and I still do not have an advanced directive

We had no right to abandon the moon. It is our direct link to heaven.

Xanthomonas Campestris

You made a broccoli tree forest. Melted Parmesan cheese shavings turned them into weeping willows. It was like having a magician in the kitchen. You created a marsh out of vegetable broth and Italian parsley and thought it would be a good idea to turn the oven up to four-hundred degrees. That is where the troubles began.
The marsh began boiling and the parsnip moorings shifted. The trees fell over and no longer looked like trees. Their delicate Parmesan strands melted completely and formed clotted eddies in the turbulence. What had started out as wondrous and exciting had gone over to sadness. Everyone was disappointed in you and your poor decision-making. You took something magnificent and ruined it.

Swap cookbooks every few months with your friends, unless you don't have any friends!

Manganese

it was not a miracle when Jared lifted the vase with his mind
an act of god had not occurred when Limpet created life from a delicious flan
the devil had not ascended to the earthly plane when Cassandra dissolved on the Metrolink to Norwalk
the culprit was manganese
the can-do nutrient from the Northern Midwest
so when your Ford Focus begins speaking in tongues
and your wife's brown sweater becomes a portal to UDFy-38135539
just blame the manganese
and have yourself a cup of hot tea

You enjoy reading People Magazine! No more can you judge others!

Inositol

you brought a lot of clothes
for an overnight stay
and a chair
you brought a chair

there is no room
in my medicine cabinet
for your medicine
that is a lot of medicine

you say inositol
but to me you are merely well dressed
and improperly medicated
with a place to sit wherever you go

Dating is for stooges! Use your 3M lint roller as a weapon!

L Leucine

a bottle containing all the sexual energy in the world was opened and poured into a polluted stream in Terrell, Texas
the first victims were the amphibians
seductive salamanders cavorted with freaky frogs
ectothermia had to step aside as evolution stuck to the grind
six months later the stream was cleaned and the sexual energy was once again bottled
and a small group of salamanders began walking on their hind legs

No real need to mention Kevin Costner's bar tab or his thing with the frozen yogurt girl!

Glutamic Acid

Carolyn Sandoval was a short-beaked echidna who liked to be called Carrie. She was usually crying or gossiping and putting her beak into places it did not belong. Her ex-husband, Raul, was a soldier and an engineer who enjoyed warm jungle nights and Caribbean music. When they had first met, the chemistry between them spilled over into whatever nightclub they were at. The following morning the club's dancefloor would be strewn with fertilized eggs and empty blue plastic cups. They were young and stupid and were not expecting any type of global calamity. The Global Calamity changed all that and they split up, which was sad for a number of reasons. It was sad for four reasons.

Use your spurs against competing males! Use it or lose it!

Phosphorous (not against us)

the last cathode ray tube
sat in the waiting room, waiting
all the others (the 13" and 27" crowd included)
had been taken to the back room long ago
to be dismantled into component parts
the television above the receptionist's window
a 36" Samsung LCD rig with fairly impressive specs
seemed to be mocking his screen aspect ratio
"Well fuck Samsung!" thought the last cathode ray tube
"They can pretty much eat shit and die for all I care."

the receptionist came out to the waiting room with a wheeled cart
and before picking up the last cathode ray tube
looked into his phosphorescent face and gave a weak smile
"Everything's going to be all right." she said
and she picked him up and put him on the cart
she wheeled him into the back room where he was dismantled
into his component parts

We are made of television! Sally Field has a map of your thoughts!

Thayer-Martin Agar

there was a whole nutrient planned
with a tattoo artist and Brent Spiner
and the ghost of Gram Parsons
but as you can tell (you are astute)
these folks are not along for the ride
and we are stuck here in this nutrient
without support staff or backup of any kind

You can hear airplanes right now. Just pay attention!

Endosymbionts (Tertiary Machine Variant)

they will goose-step through our cells
to challenge tissue/texture/structure
and they will offer an alternative

we will initially recoil
because we like to recoil
the secondary gain of the recoil
is not to be underestimated

there will be five lines in this third stanza
with each line outshining the last
by the use of simple and poignant declarations
about robots or death or loss of control
and all of these are distractions from the truth

six line stanza coming as no surprise
we have suffered another loss in our circle
and as our cohort reduces
we begin to welcome the robots as allies
because our hatred of death leads us
to put all our efforts into the lie of control

Just because I don't believe in a god doesn't mean that Kara's not in Heaven.

Pseudoephedrine Hydrochloride

store security was onto me
she was dressed like a normal shopper
carrying a box of refrigerated pie crusts
I stood and looked at the Dayquil boxes
orange and white with helvetica promises
while she focused her beam of attention on me
and I swear she was reading my mind
so I grabbed at "trick thoughts" to throw at her
to confuse her
I thought about a dirty snow footprint in Big Bear
and then I thought about Confederate currency
I thought of a thousand animal hands
each one on a bible written in that animal's language
except for the spiny anteater and the platypus

Some animals are godless! Obey all laws and rules!

Brandy & Pills

television set: check
intrusive thoughts: check
haphazard clay sculpture from childhood (not your childhood): check
certificate of provenance for abovementioned clay sculpture: check
stolen squirt-can of 3-2-1 Machine Oil: check

There's no such thing as an antique. Everything lasts forever!

Cistanche Deserticola (Brizuela Remix)

your birthday was inevitable
and the lucky prisoners (named Sally or Denise)
had jobs in the laundry

you had a belief or a thought
that you could change your name
to "Time Captain" or Sally

they found you unresponsive the next morning
your arms replaced by black arrows
and the number "6" at your feet

Use crime to create tough stains. Shout it out!

Censored Nutrient

Dear Readers,
Numerous complaints were received regarding the safety of Zinc Alloy as a Visual Nutrient. While there were no documented instances of direct harm, the nutrient has been censored and will not be returning for consumption.
A suitable nutrient will be offered, free of cost, within the next 24 hours. We here at Visual Nutrients strive to give our customers what we call "satisfaction."

Read Visual Nutrients in bed, then satisfy yourself for a change!

Silicon Dioxide

It was another surgery dream
And I had to get my old Datsun 610
Out of the impound lot
So I could get to the hospital
Because it was a dream and I was
Basically alone
The cashier at the impound lot
Had a cash register with hieroglyphs
Where numbers should have been
And I could not pay what was being asked
Which was a stone tablet in the shape of a triangle
And her face was a triangle
Like a yield sign

Have an operation this year. You need surgery!

Temporary Contained Outbreak

it was either a large motorcycle
or a small airplane that crashed
about three miles outside TCO Site 32
allowing the new dead to celebrate
the breach of the containment field

The new dead? Oh my!

Gerstley Borate (and his butler, Taylor)

There once was a man named Gerstley Borate and he had a butler named Taylor. Throughout the day, every day, Taylor would follow Master Borate around the manse (house) and pick up after him (Gerstley). Owl Parkinson's affecting cogent barn birds. Taylor barely had enough time to correctly identify the glutamate receptor before wash a sock/make a muffin. Owl carcasses rained down as feathered assuredness devolved into late dinner with his (Taylor's) appetizing young Ben Harper lookalike, Mel Grifton.

Lookalike is a dumb word or series of words! Never be a dirty bird!

Sample Title Nutrient

we used to hold hands
sample title nutrient
where did your hands go?

your kisses were moist
sample title nutrient
where did your lips go?

your eyes were magnets
sample title nutrient
your eyes! what the fuck?

no hands, eyes, or lips
sample title nutrient
you need some more parts

Try being less selfish. Try again!

Ptychopetalum Uncinatum

we are all a part of the same fabric
a repulsive cloth
like the handkerchief of an 1890's
train conductor
with active tuberculosis
and an Elgin pocket watch

we all have approximately
the same stuff
a chemical-producto equivalency
that will resonate
as an obvious mistake
when we are the archeological finds

Use a credit card to buy medicine or a hat. Cover your head, stupid.

Pimpinella Anisum

this dig is ancient
Benjamin Affleck (playing the musky archeologist)
pulls us out early
fearful that museum security
"has it in" for our group

back at smelly Benjamin's camp
a chuckwagon-lunch themed pop-up restaurant
serves Dinty Moore beef stew
in those blue enamel camping bowls
(to us) to eat it

Label and date yourself to stay "New Jersey" fresh!

Doublemint (mintus mintus)

Laboratory Nine was a joke
Vials of clown blood
And a ferris wheel centrifuge
Shared the soapstone counter
With Pam Dawber's mummified hand
Test results were scrawled in crayon on the backs of thrift store receipts
By two floppy-shoed lab techs who smoked those flavored cigars

Your skin is "Disney Dry" today!

Starflower

Hurricane force Santa Ana winds
Pulled the stop sign from its moorings
As if it were some sort of ship
Oh, were you on the Stop Sign cruise to Lazaro Cardenas?
They had a Baja Fresh "rauntlet" which is like a restaurant outlet.
Anyway, the sign part of the sign (not the post)
Was flying around the San Fernando Valley like a Frisbee
And it hit a U.S. Navy admiral's rented Kia Rio
Just below the passenger side mirror
Causing $382.00 worth of damage
Not covered by the supplemental insurance
Roadsigns bring messages to you and for that
We are not liable.

So the real story is the post
And what happened when the weak zinc-alloy bolts
Gave up the battle to keep the sign part of the sign attached
And the twenty-two pound wooden spear
Broke the sound barrier as it whizzed along Balboa Blvd.
Until bouncing and splintering on the sidewalk
In front of a full-sized Baja Fresh Restaurant

Time the people around you to find out if they are lazy! Lazy fuckers!

Borage Seed Oil IV: (Re)venge of the Borage

Church van atrocities
Ceramic capacitors
Rod Serli(ng)

Our agency understands your need
For borage seed oil
And will review your proposal

We pull away from each other
To protect god knows what
(Ma)kes the clock spin

And again we meet at the crime scene
Near the last payphone in America
To dodge the floating eyeball

Use shame as an astringent. You use shame as an astringent.

Quercitannic Acid

You had your Big Lots headphones
And I had country music
You took off your hook-skirt
And I began to use it
I was catching fish
With the cloth of your skirt
And you were pulling up bait
From the cold damp earth

Try fishing with your lady! Mega-sexual!

Dinoflagellates (Rattus Claustrophobis)

Dean Martin was a better man than Jerry Lewis
Whatever that means
Like the contrast between a Wurlitzer and a Filben
Fact is: that person already knows
So to what end does one compare
Two filthy jukeboxes?

Save your dimes! They're yours!

Carbomer

Within six hours of the comet tail's brief brush with Earth's mesosphere
All mammals stopped breathing and died
Except for the monotremes
Two weeks had passed since the die-off
By then the spiny anteaters had formed patrols
And fenced off their communities
As protection from the platypus gangs
Neither had much interest in firearms or pharmaceuticals
Are you still reading?

When things don't seem like they'll work out, give up!

ProVitamins

I will not let you tell me
That you are anti-vitamin
If you use words I will block my ears
If you write it on a steno pad I will claw out my eyes
If you make an imbedded video I will do any number of terrible things
To not let you tell me
That you are anti-vitamin

Hold an ice cube against your closed eyelid until your eye starts to ache. Feels awful!

Sage (vein matching)

The grainy cell phone video
Showed us the Asner we feared
Head tilted back and jaws like a beartrap
Ed's razor-sharp incisors made quick work of the prostitute's favorite (deleted)
When Sony executive Lance (deleted) worm-chowdered an entire gymnasium we held our collective (Asner) until the police helicopters stopped (deleted) crow
Fortunately we had both used our pro-depressant gauze vests we stole from the evidence locker
Leaving us with popcorn in our teeth and (deleted) semen

Try making your next pot of (deleted) using your colon for a Crockpot!

Naphthenic Acid (Rod McKuen's Incendiary Labcoat)

When you think of how big a cloud is
You have to think that it can only be
As big as your wishes make it
How big do you wish the cloud to be?
Or some other McKuenesque nonsense
Said to marginalize concepts like mass and propulsion
And old Rod did not pull his punches when it came
To matters of science and his disdain for right angles
So it will come as no surprise when everything ends
That we will exist in a world of clouds
As big as we can wish them

Try not to cry yourself to sleep. Stay awake and cry.

Airborne Rabies

You bring me the latest issue of Housebat Management Quarterly
Along with my morning coffee
It is exactly this level of thoughtfulness
That I find so attractive
I am only halfway through the article about the cave in Texas
When I see that you are suffering from airborne rabies
You switch modes rapidly
From rigid animal silhouette
To a herky-jerky dancer
This Housebat Management Quarterly article will have to wait
While I run inside to put on my dancing shoes
And get a little towel to wipe the froth from your cheek

If the planes are really quiet and flying low, stay outdoors and breathe deeply!

Shilajit

Steve Landesberg passed away last month
Old Steve had a great gift
He could set three quarters on the back of his hand
And flip them so they all landed on heads
The good times were aplenty when spending them with Landy
His wry wit could turn any bad mood around
He was more than a veteran character actor
In fact he hated that label
Steve Landesberg was not usually a violent man
But he never backed down from a fight
Whether in a train station restroom
Or in a backlot trailer with his pants around his thighs
Landy knew how to step things up a notch
He learned how to kill in Korea
And brought those skills home with him
Unlike the child he fathered while stationed there
Jung Park finally made it to the United States
Two days late for his biological father's funeral services
Jung had never met Landy in person
They had written several letters over the years
And had recently been emailing back and forth (using computers)
Neither man had ever claimed to have eaten human flesh
Because neither had done so or felt compelled to lie and say they had
Jung could taste his own tears streaming down his face
Tears shed for the loss of a veteran character actor
Who happened to be his dead biological father

Go see a movie about your dad! Probably "Jaws" or a Peter Fonda film.

Medical Marijuana

Smoke medical marijuana
Eat medical Cheetos
Eat medical Milk-Duds

Congratulations and welcome
To the world of the medicated
You are in good company

Our bodies, though resilient
Are mobile catastrophes
Like a city bus fleet

Not to imply that your bus is medicated
Or that your lack of motivation
Is from smoking pot

And that words like "repurposing" and "trending"
Have taken away your choice in these matters
Because we are all doctors, linguists, or mechanics

Your grocery list is an obituary!

Geritol

my god you are old
which makes life friendly or mean
because of your pain

Think about your own death tonight. But then forget it and have some microwave popcorn!

Human Breast Milk

You've been drinking human breast milk
Purchased from a lactating real estate agent
She says the money will tide her over
Until she gets Buick running again
Because it's hard to make a living selling homes
With the market the way it is
And it's hard to meet the right kinds of people
With the world being such a mess

Use a woman as a sofa! Don't eat lunch on the sofa!

Plum

you ask for a plum
Wyoming sings through her teeth
how's about a plum?

You're a stonefruit. Even now!

Hibiscus (Andy Garcia Innocence Project)

Most of the "short-leathers" had figured out the Andy Garcia lottery scam before they were too deep into it and got out. The "loop-trippers" were not so astute. Most of the loops had maxed out their credit cards and borrowed against their retirements. By the time the first investigative news story broke about the Andy scratchers having worthless prizes (Circuit City gift cards and signed self-portraits of Gary Coleman) the leathers had taken their damage and moved on to the Ron Howard 3D Career College scam. The loops had gone completely ballistic, burning effigies of Andy and shouting, "Andy! We're burning effigies of you!"

Use life's lessons to strengthen your Garcias.

Ghanty Root (Muerte "ganto")

Death was third in line at the animal shelter drive-through window
His AMC Matador stalled, even after he did the gas pedal trick
The trick had always worked before
You wait five seconds...tap the pedal until you heard the whir
Then ease up, but not all the way
The Mexican guys in the car behind him helped push him to a parking space
And Death knew his workday was shot

42 dogs and 64 cats zoomed through the air that day,
Whiskers to the wind and smiling!

Kangen Water (rare nutrient alert!)

drink Kangen Water
I hear it is pretty rare
for a nutrient
Kangen Water piss
is the best piss you can buy
if you're buying piss

Hold close the ones you love. Sentence write in order wrong!

Ester-C

autosaved draft post
pokes through shipshape mud
in the peristaltic ocean
we go seaward hopeful
islands with cartoon deer
will beckon us to port
onboard your coffee reeks
like arguing skunks
but it warms our hands
a return to list of posts

Gently put bleach in your eye: It stings!

Mr. Guam

Randy the snitch almost blew our wetworks assignment
One helicopter ride and the boy opened up
Like a steamed clam
Like an icon
The cleanup went off without a hitch
Meaning nothing; Saying nothing
Their oil is our butter
Perfect for clams

Try camping during a storm! Nature is perfect!

Tripe

John Travolta stomach surgery lets implicators free
Demanding "Big 3" layoffs
While settlers promote "Sex Day" and hold collective breaths
We traverse pickled canyons to watch our own deaths
Lamenting the lack of proper tackle to catch brown trout

This was supposed to be the last nutrient. Fuck you!

Super Splendid Flavor Laugh

Thom Yorke diede todaye
Billy Idol never dies
Thom Yorke diese eache daye

Disassociate
You have the latest software
Dennis Callaci

Abridged perversion
Very few understand it
Dennis Callaci

Please try to regulate your speech. Mistakes are hard to erase.

Calcium Carbonate (Three Joke Haiku)

he was bon-i-fied
put her drink onto my tab
that's shale in the treads

Don't ever get your hopes up. Remember your leafy greens!