Friday, September 30, 2011

Krill Oil (from San Dimas)

you were a radical cleric
from the planet called Krill
I asked you for croutons
you asked me to kill
I found you intriguing
and I did what you said
I ate croutons at night
now there's crumbs in my bed
your backwards ideas
involved squares of hard bread
that led to the terror
of crumbs in my bed
so I tell you this, cleric
I have pushed your agenda
but with sugar so sweet
I'm ignoring your Splenda™

Use religion to sweeten your coffee. Use God for the creamer!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Krill Oil (from Costco)

Belinda Mayne feeds on skin
and that makes her awful
Stanford Sherman eats only skin
he is also awful
Haiku Skin Eaters (two of them)
I graduated high school
you were eating skin

Easter of last year
you asked for skin-covered Peeps
because you're awful
You have learned how to ruin things more slowly. Bite me!

Monday, September 26, 2011

Azomethine (plasma/grandma)

pulled in many directions
you continue to retract
with hopes that no outside force
will grasp your many tendrils
but you are wrong
your hopes are not based on the American Red Cross
The American Red Cross helps people
all people
American Red Cross, motherfuckers!
Salvation Army? Fuck no!
We are dealing with the goddamned American Red Cross!
please eat a plate of steaming shit if you will not bow down to
The American Red Cross!
THEY OWN YOUR BLOOD! You gave it to them, you stupid shits!

Prepare a family emergency plan for fire, earthquake, or flood. And give your blood away for free, you stupid shits!

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Xanthophyll (for Men)

they slathered the children's arms
with yellow latex interior paint
and set up a live video feed
that fed directly into the queen's chamber
the television was a Samsung
and the paint was from Ace Hardware
the children were on loan
from Glendale Elementary
the queen was played by "feminine Dan Rather"
closed-captioning provided by Equiliterate, teaching horses to read for over 30 years

You are a coproduction of the BBC. God save the queen!

Friday, September 23, 2011

Rose Bay

the motel in Rose Bay
woke up as a person
or a can of "pop"
with BHT for longevity
with the can made of steel
and not aluminum
what a good motel!
what a good person!

You are a structure! Wake up as a person!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Muscarinic M2

your US Bank statement
listed a four-dollar charge
for "Gnostic Duties"
that led to the two of you
setting up a "fish picnic"
above the Hadron helium leak
which we all know was a feint
to block us from focusing
on the sooty proton tubes

Quit while you're ahead. You are ahead.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


What you are about to read has already taken place, so think of it as history.
The scene is a bar called the Cinnabar located in the Serbian city of Valjevo. The bartender is a small horse standing upright. He is wearing authentic horse clothing. The customer in this story is a misshapen man with dubious (dubious) skin.
Authentic Horse: Welcome to the Cinnabar!
Alex Tingler: Thank you. I'll have a drink, please.
Authentic Horse: Coming right up!
As Authentic Horse prepares a beverage for Alex Tingler, the sound of malfunction overwhelms the characters.
Alex Tingler: Forget the drink. I can't stand being alive any longer.
Authentic Horse: I understand. I've lost the will to finish making your drink.
Alex Tingler: Was it really my drink? I hadn't even received it yet.
Authentic Horse: Here in Serbia, when you order a drink you have established a verbal contract with the merchant. That makes it your drink.
Alex Tingler: How did you get in here?
Authentic Horse: What do you mean, how did I get in here?
Alex Tingler: Were you brought in? Wheeled in? Airlifted in?
Authentic Horse: No, I walked in.
Alex Tingler: I suspected as much.

You probably have dubious (dubious) skin. History is a joke!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Ascorbic Acid (bulk)

The forked, flattened end of the pry bar fit perfectly into the slot where my scapula meets my shoulder. The techs, with almost no force and more than a little finesse, were able to pop the outer casing off my back.
I had no idea that I had a removable outer casing!
I waited for the techs to prep the area for surgery, which, for some reason involved drinking grain alcohol to help me forget the love we once had.

Use love as your drug of choice. A washcloth full of sex-filth beats a felony every time!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Acetic Acid

You assist in cleansing
What most is out of reach
A flower is a blossom
That grows into a peach
Fruit that ripens quickly
Weighs heavy on the branch
If we were in Montana
I'd take you to a ranch

Never look beyond the edge of a well-traveled trail. It's like a poorly managed sewer. Aw fuck, it's awful!

Poil de Chat

I rub off the fur to see the mold
When out of the fridge it will not stay cold
When paired with a cracker the truth must be told
If butter were silver, this would be gold

Do not overstimulate the cat. You continue to overstimulate the cat.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Ethanol (Oliver Platt Remix)

we made terrible decisions
and listened to the oddly comforting
back and forth symphony
of the Pomona Police helicopter
as it played the bow against the night sky's strings

You are Oliver Platt! Admit it!

Monday, September 12, 2011


mood is your weapon
like weather or room brightness

your new script is trite
long-acting metabolite
isoenzymes: fight!

You will get better. No one else will.

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Probiotics (5 Billion!)

the first few days are hard
then for the next week or so
it gets real bad
your mood and your nerves
get the best of you
and you will not sleep well
and you will not wake well
it will hurt, hurt, hurt

Put one of those packets of pepper in your purse or wallet. Pepper is pretty good!

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

Ardent Spirits

when you accept an invitation
from an ardent spirit
carefully examine the spirit's container
the vessel likely has weak or cracked walls
and, if not
the ardent spirit is still
up to no fucking good

Barbara Eden is a metaphor. Larry Hagman is an astronaut!

Monday, September 05, 2011


get off the phone
the dog is alone
all I've ever wanted is a house with a deck
when we turn against the enzyme it hurts our neck
I bought a chunk of fever at the sickness shop
when you said I had some moves you really wanted me to stop

Use dancing like a romantic stick. You are being watched at night.