Saturday, April 19, 2014

Avitaminosis (Coppy Coppy Pinchy)

you seemed nervous
too nervous to be headlining a festival
who is your handler?
are you properly handled?
if I handled you
there would be reviews
using words like "groundbreaking"
but others are handling you
and they disrespect your breasts
and they disrespect your femininity
but I must be as guilty as your handlers
because I claim to know what's best for your breasts
and what's best for your femininity
so I stand here, guilty as charged
but dear lord, just play your music

A tit is a bird! A milky fucking sex bird!

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Variola Major

We joined the Wound Boy ashram
To chant the battle cry
We raised our voice for Wound Boy
Lord please don't let him die
Wound Boy is a natural boy
Born of love
Born of joy
We chanted in the evening
To save the Wound Boy's life
If he had just been strong enough
He wouldn't have broken out with plum-sized pustules that were firm and non-weeping
And spiked a high fever and scabbed over
With those scabs falling off
Like little brown potato crisps
Infecting thousands
That would, in turn, infect thousands
Wound Boy is a single boy
Without a wife
What woman would marry
The unwitting destroyer of humankind?
Not any woman with a strong sex drive
And a deep respect for virology

Meditate at least once a year. Use Barbecue Flavor Pringles® as a Eucharist alternative!

Monday, April 14, 2014

Ethanol (transfused twins mix)

Transfused Twins Cooperative initiates
like a frat or a soror
between eight people
they were 1132 lbs.
the particular batch of sauce
overwhelmed their combined weights
causing two to convulse
and lose respiratory control
their epigloti in spasm
but the bond amongst the survivors solidified
the parents would sue the college
the survivors blaming youth
the Devil chuckling about another win
and bed control in Heaven making room
for some fresh new recruits
the survivors having the awful job
of finishing out their lives

Drink yourself to death! Heaven's got open beds!

Friday, April 11, 2014

Borage Oil (remembering the good times)

We justified the expense like champs
Another three hundred a month was doable
And hell, we watched the news

Our Pendleton custom gun safe
Was built-in to attract minimal attention
You wouldn't know it from a closet!

The humidity controls meant fewer oilings
And the LED illumination system meant "no dark corners"
And hell, we could see through the government lies

I found you motionless at the base of its door
Two-inch thick stainless steel with custom beveled edges
To reduce vacuum-lock and enhance the clearly superior craftsmanship

Use a broken wineglass to accentuate your proposals. A results-driven argument provides tangible outcomes!

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Byokuro Leaf

You brought dried human dandies
To Ceremony Club
The protective buffer worked for a short time
But then you belonged to us again

We had you wear the Alec Baldwin mask
At Ceremony Club
You, like Alec, could really work a crowd
Then we killed you with sharpened sticks

We stood over the gore that was once you
And decided to start a new club
You seemed to agree
By the simple act of drying into human dandies

Try shutting off a little more every day. Repeat until done!

Friday, April 04, 2014

Vitamin A(sshole)

the machine is gone
now you want to talk turkey
may be too late, babe

the vacuum goes here
the needle beneath the wing
draining will be quick

I can't help but feel
that none of these birds will fly
their insides so dry

rather than take air
we can duck beneath them, babe
illusions of flight

so we lie in bed
the comforter above us
dried birds topping it

this is day, and night
desiccation preempted
freeze dried thanksgivings

When the machine is gone, we are empty. We are birds, babe.

Wednesday, April 02, 2014

Pike Oil

When I think about the trajectories of our lives
I remember our past selves planning our combined futures
And though we are not together, neither emotionally nor geographically
I feel it has worked out exactly as we planned
Because we will die apart
Having constructed new stories with our current partners
So that they will bear the brunt of our individual downfalls
Thus suffering from decades-long bonds now broken
Bonds inevitability garnered through hard-fought trust and caring
All of which our past selves have no stake in
The heavy lifting having been done by others
Our future selves never having been in on the joke

Draw a circle and write your name in the center. Yup. You're a narcissist.

Sunday, March 30, 2014


I was wearing my macho outfit from Big 5
And you had on those tasty cut-offs
We could have gone hiking but we did not
We could have made love
Right then and there
But we did not
Instead we got to killing
Killing those who'd wronged us
You used my dead dad's fillet knife
On Oscar Latte and his wife
I burned a car full of teenage girls
And then I eviscerated Uncle Earl
Then the night was over and we were covered in blood
But Dr. Bronner's soap erased the sinful crud
It was only in those times that I felt alive
In my macho outfit from Big 5

Your dead relatives have fishing gear. Go catch a pike, you stupid fucks!

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Organically Bound Minerals (with kelp)

She asked me about four times if I was a cop
I told her she was the cop and that she smelled good
She asked me why I thought she was an undercover cop
I told her I had connections in the force and that I thought she was pretty hot
She asked again if I was a cop and I said, yeah I'm a cop
She said she was a cop, too
I said yeah, I know and I'm pretty sure I love you
She reached beside her hip and pulled her Tazer out
She removed the dart cartridge and pressed the steel prongs of the main unit into my ribs
I told her again that I loved her and she leaned in and kissed me
It was an awkward kiss that was so soft and genuine that my heart fucking melted
She pulled back and smiled while she reholstered her Tazer
We've been together for over a week now and I really think it's gonna work

Never forget that you're being deceived! Arrest your genitals for crimes against humanity.

Friday, March 28, 2014


So you got the results of your chest X-Ray?
-Yeah. They said it didn't show anything.
So you don't have ribs or a spine?
-Well I'm sure it showed those things.
Then what's with the fucking lies? Why can't they straight up tell you that your chest X-Ray showed a whole bunch of stuff like ribs and a spine?
-I'm thinking they meant there were no abnormal findings with my chest X-Ray. I am fairly certain I have a spine, some ribs, and all the other stuff.
Yeah, but they planted that seed of doubt. I think that's pretty fucked up. What did they say about your lab results?

Use corn starch to thicken gravy. You are empty!