Aberic Acid (Orizanin)

I answered the phone and the woman said
"I'm from U.S. Bank and I can offer you a great rate on an accidental death and dismemberment policy."
Before she could continue (she really wanted to continue), I stated:

There is very little chance that my death or dismemberment will be accidental

There are no accidents! Intentional dismemberment is trending strong!

The Tasting Game (military edition)

do not mention your father
because to think that your father played the tasting game
disgusts us as a group
but as a group we doubt
that your father was really evil or sick enough
to play the tasting game
even though we all have memories
of blindfolds and cameras
and tickling
why are tickles so wanted and feared at the same time?

Your father was a great man. Thank god he's dead.

Borage Oil (from borage)

there was a little devil
his name was Ortho Fez
he did not use the ashtray
he only had one friend
I was friends with Ortho
and took him to the mall
he thought the Montclair Plaza
was not a worthy mall

Use your gift certificate. You're stupid.

Spearmint (anti-emetic)

the shoes are in the entryway
the carpet is pristine
you use a scented freshener
every time you pee
you use the terminology
that fits with your profession
but sometimes with your varied moods
you give a bad impression
I don't want you to take this wrong
but I think I have to tell you
even with your scented spray
all of us can smell you

Judge others quickly and mercilessly. Then just wait and watch!

Uloric (febuxostat)

I watched you hobble down the stairs
I didn't care
I remembered the commercial for Nair
with the girls in short shorts with no leg hair
but the gout has taken over
the gout has taken over

Uric acid is different than hair. Your hair smells like pee.

Flax Seeds (from flax)

she wanted facts
I gave her flax
she dated Ahmed
and became pregnant
they seem pretty happy
her and Ahmed

Tell women the truth! Then impregnate them!

Boron

she looked at me like I was stupid
which I most certainly was
and her eyes were smug and army dry
like abandoned mission figs

Ask for what you want. You want a fig!

Lobelia Inflata

the cause of the crash was lobelia inflata
and a poorly timed lane change
resulting in over three tons of swarf
spilling across Interstate 10
at the Cherry Avenue exit

I'm back in control. You're going to look up swarf now, aren't you?

Juniper Berries

you started chewing on some dried juniper berries
and took a swig from a flask of everclear
you told me you were making "mouth gin"
and asked me if I had any tonic water
I told you I only had ginger ale
that's when you said I was involved in cafeteria crimes
you told me I had switched out the lunchmeat with processed human flesh
and that I had been seen on a security camera
defiling a #10 can of S&W stewed tomatoes

Many restaurants have shelves full of cans. Beautiful cans!

Cock (dear lord)

a chicken yells
a chicken yells about your use of cock
"bleeak buk buk bleah bleeak buk buk"
but you understand
as a hen, you understand
cock, cock, cock! Cock.
"bleeak buk buk bleah bleeak buk buk"
the language is clear
cock, cock, cock! Cock.

Use your chicken for good and not evil. Cock!

Capsaicin

you bruise easily
ecchymotic evidence
brown, green, and purple

your health has declined
long lost friends stay long and lost
pastors ignore you

you shout when you talk
and your choices are suspect
please just disappear

we will meet again
and you may have the last laugh
But I have Motrin

Use a Serrano pepper suppository! Spicy!