Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Oil of Avanese

I can already hear her buttering the (B)ird! Quality time is only rendered in the unsalted variety. Plankton breeds and grows until it blocks out the sun, starving the oceanic plants beneath the surface. This (B)ird never swooped down on a kelp bass. (B)ird never knew much until JOHN RITTER stepped up to the plate and took his punishment like a man.

Listening to the tide roll in can be therapeutic! (R)itter neck bonanza!

Sunday, November 09, 2003

Oxygen, pt. II

John Ritter dances in heaven with Scarlett Plankton at the annual Scurvy Ball. Then Ritter says to Plankton, "I worked with Don Knotts.", and Plankton looks Ritter in the Ritter eye and melts just like a Hershey bar in a double-boiler. Ritter and Plankton got "cloud burns" after the Scurvy Ball, if you get my drift.

Believe what you read! Lies are transmitted through the ears!

Friday, November 07, 2003


"Goes in pretty fast, ya think?"
"Don't know...I can't stand the thought of either of the Seafood Sisters getting milked."
"But Carl really knows how to tug a teat; just gets in there and the moo-juice flows like crazy."
"I'm just worried about Sand-Dabs' nipples...they look really raw."
"Maybe it's time you stopped thinking about bovine ta-tas and started paying more attention to what I'm holding here in my hand..."
"Sure I worry about Sand-Dabs and Ms. Prawn...but you would too if you spent as much time as I have making patterns to sew the extra sack-cloth into supportive udder slings..."
"Take a look ever seen something like this?"
"I just want to live in a world where fashion can be used as a weapon against animal cruelty."
"You're one sick son-of-a-bitch. Now watch this!"

Use dairy products that have been exposed to air. You know why!

Thursday, November 06, 2003

Tea Tree Oil

Earl's shoe was tied so tightly that his foot felt all tingly and numb. While the rhythmic fuzzy sensation felt good at first, the feeling soon became painful. Thousands of fire ants or millions of little lightning bolts...that's what was happening to Earl's foot.

Use both hands to greet your friends! Ritter-Neck!

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Comfrey Extract

poor resolution
twenty-two years of ghosting
one more dead drummer

helping Sally move
the mommy! mommy! story
was beyond creepy

you died where Bob died
in the Pomona E.R.
but you were the first

how is it that now
the calculus of lost friends
splits the screen in two?

Buy a starfruit! I promise!

Monday, November 03, 2003

Glucoronolactone (Red Bull)

Complex! Complex! Put your hands where your pants are and do the pocket dance! What? Stop! You can't rest quietly while going into this good night. You can't write poetry to your ex-wife and not have a little "flopsy-time" once the Gossamer Bay is gone!

Try saving your change! You'll be rich!