Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Propolis (Derived from Genus Vespula Carne)

Ron (H)oward pulls out his throwdown, knowing he can't use his duty piece to waste the useless perp standing in front of him. Borrowed time. That's all any of us have, really. On top of that, it's a bad loan...one that none of us can ever repay.

Let's not go there, please.

Monday, August 30, 2004

Pantonious Hydrochloride (filler)

Language makes us weak and stupid
When other animals want to fuck
They just bite each other and go for broke
People ruin everything with language
Except books
Books would suck without language
Maybe books about fucking without language would be okay
But what would the reviews be like?

Quit thinking about your parents! Is that a bruise?

Pantothenic Acid

wait for UPS
men in brown on power trips
handling your package

smell-test for chicken
bacterial entropy
use or freeze by date

candlelight dinner
a farm bird dressed in tight shorts
does a sexy dance

without choice, I join
strong wine clouding my judgment
soft lips meet hard beak

the bird demands cash
or the photos hit the web
last night meant nothing?

Make your marinade more tangy by using household ammonia! Very base!

Friday, August 27, 2004

Dong Quai

"Some things rot from the outside in."
It's just a pimple. A simple pimple.
"No. I'm fairly certain I am rotting. Just look."
It's just stress. And you drink too many Diet C***s.
"Why the *s?"
I don't want it to seem like Visual Nutrients is critiquing any particular brand name items.
"So if I said Diet P****s instead of Diet C***s, you would still put the *s?"
Let's face it. Diet P**** sucks, plain and simple.
"But everyone knows what you're really saying, so why not just come out with it?"
Do you remember your dream about John Kerry?
How he told you that he would lose the debates with George Bush because the American people weren't ready for the truth?
"It was my dream. Of course I remember it."
It's the same thing here. We know what's being said, but can't admit to really saying it.
"So what does it mean when I say I'm rotting from the outside in?"
Try saying it again.
"I'm r*****g from the outside in."

Keep your insides clean by drinking plenty of w***r. E** p***** *f s****! C***!

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Acetic Acid 5%

Beneath her sweater he was certain he felt a lump
The angora sensualized what he knew to be a potential malignancy
Nancy pushed him aside and stated the obvious
"You! The King! How could you?"
He reached again for furry rabbit wool covering soon-dead cancer-flesh
"I demand a different outcome! You are the King and I am diseased, am I not?"
He thought of the Easter song about Eggbert the lonely egg
He imagined himself covered in mites and that the mites turned into rabbits
He made wishes that were almost prayers and he knew he could do nothing to help her

Trader Joes sells multivitamins. Cheap butter, too.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004


Cheryl bought an excessive amount of halloween candy
"Everyone has kids and they have kids that want some candy"
She sets down the bowl of Almond Joys and moves toward the bowl of Smarties
"The neighborhood kids will need plenty of sweets to complete their halloween experience"
It's about ten p.m. on an August night and she's putting out the candy again
"God I love this holiday"

Try having sex with your thumb! Keep reading; it's healthy!

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Molten Lead

Shy Producer makes Slimfast smoothies
With a Waring blender from (g)od-knows-when
And there's this burnt electrical smell
Like ozone and old plastic
And he misses his friends who have moved away or died
Their appliances were in similar disrepair
With the ability to awaken the senses
To all the odd and great combinations

When watching the moon for activity, take frequent breaks. Developmental lag!

Friday, August 20, 2004

Docosahexaenoic Acid (DHA)

She asked me my sign and I stupidly said "Pisces" which is true but I now realize that anyone asking that question is attempting a "brain-jump" in that they seize on your pre-answer and send a mental note out to the (C)ollectors. Later on that night my greatest fears were verified in the way the moon was only casting "half-shadows" as if afraid of fully reflecting earth's now-contaminated light. Why is it that the moon (Mr. Moon) is so clued-in while other gravity slaves are veritable idiots?

Wrap onion skins in cheesecloth. Now what?

Thursday, August 19, 2004


...and while you're at it, why don't you do a little dance?

Fantasies are unhealthy! You're the dancer!

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Sorbitan Monostearate

My pals gave me a special cup
Into which I poured a very old can of malt liquor
With some name like "Konsky's Shelf"
And as I downed the sour-bitter Konsky
I thought about how my pals had sold me out
My pals who ratted me out to my ex
My good buds that ended up with more of a taste than I ever got
And with that, the stale uber-beer was suddenly
A damn fine drink, if I must say

Use a touch of tea-tree oil during foreplay. Refreshing!

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Gerovital (GH3)

when you were younger
with one line about nature
gun-barrel phallus

last year at this time
middle nature line insert
cold steel tube, oh yeah

now with you older
we have natural middle
you are in my sights

Take a self-defense class! Because you're weak!

Friday, August 13, 2004


The New York Life salesman is alert
He readies his laminated pullout
Knowing that the younger agents use PowerPoint
To candy-coat death and turn it into a product
But he has been doing this a long time
Through two marriages and two divorces
And four children who are, genetically, clearly his
They share his fat, stupid face and his shit-brown eyes
He sends birthday cards bulging with $100 bills
Hoping that his children will notice that the bills are in series
That he took the time to go into the bank
And insist the teller open a fresh bundle
The young couple enter his office and he begins his pitch
For a product that everyone understands eventually

Peel the labels off of all your canned food! Mystery is lively!

Wednesday, August 11, 2004


Looking good and dressing well were the two things that Jessie could do right. When it came to small talk and playful banter, he would always sour the mood by using unnecessary verbs.
Haiku Verb
to do the jog walk
run. stop. run. spit. finish. last.
verbs live in grade school
Jessie never fell for fads, like friendship bracelets and bandsaw challenge. His head, like the motor of his heart, was all about following OSHA guidelines.
Try ingesting ethanol with a group of friends! Finish last!

Comfrey Root

So I called Kathy after she quit
Turns out she's a widow now
God she knows how to wrap herself in that cloth
Her broken face is now in shadow
As she mourns what she's been mourning all along
But now it has a name
And a family to resent her and lash out
Against what we all become
Sycophants with broken noses
And jobs we hate
And children that won't talk to us

I will miss the licorice. Put the razor down.

Saturday, August 07, 2004

Banaba Leaf Extract

Yes, we have no banabas!
We have no banabas, today!

Visual Nutrients gets worse every day! Quit reading it!

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Myrrh (Commiphora Myrrha)

Almost every self-help book discusses the push/pull relationship of...well, relationships. What none of the self-help books address with any detail is the little matter of wheat meat. Wheat Meat beats cold sleet and the (D)ry teat. Wheat Meat treats Pete like the pellets treat the skeet. One fleet of red beet can't unseat Wheat Meat, even when Pete's feet do a "three-peat" to the do-wop beat of Wheat Meat.

Write down three things you like about yourself! Instead of ink, use your own blood!

Monday, August 02, 2004


So the gardeners for the people across the street start unloading the mower and edger from a pickup truck. Loud squeals and groans are coming from somewhere inside the cab of the pickup and I see what looks like a small donkey bounding from passenger's to driver's seat. At first I thought maybe I had seen it wrong. Maybe it was a developmentally delayed child throwing a major spaz, hoping to distract his brothers from their work. I walked out my front door onto the porch to get a better look through the windows of the truck. Sure enough, a small donkey was jumping from seat to seat and screaming its fucking small donkey head off. The brothers (I'm sure they were brothers because they looked very much alike) ignored their donkey and started mowing and edging. I ran back into the house and to the kitchen to get a carrot, thinking that the donkey might be hungry. When I got back to the porch, I saw the larger of the two brothers reaching in through the opening of the passenger-side window. His hand was on the donkey's ear and he was yelling something in Spanish. He began twisting the ear. The shrieks from the animal, twice as loud as before, were angry and mournful at the same time. To be continued...

Yardwork is both healthy and relaxing! Your nose is misshapen!

Sunday, August 01, 2004

"Normal" Saline Solution

You are part of the normal saline problem
You are a big part of the trouble we've been having up here
Reticent (D)aughter was indicted along with your brother
Reticent (D)aughter saved the spent pulltabs from the bingo hall
Thinking that she could build a man out of the colored paper strips
He would be beautiful, like a rainbow mummy

Try reading the competition's literature! Ideas are money!