Monday, May 30, 2011


you used lanolin to keep your lips supple
saying that you would never stoop so low
as to use the Betty Ford Center lip balm
but I know the real reason:
Haiku Real Reason
Betty Ford lip balm
it keeps Betty Ford's corpse soft
her eyes now open
Your bone density scan won't find anything. You're boneless!

Sunday, May 29, 2011


welcome to the nutrient that saves your life
when you wake up tomorrow, thank l-carnitine
had you not read this nutrient when you did
you would have, sadly, died
the afterlife would have welcomed you
with cotton candy and roller coasters
and a bit of oral sex
the afterlife is filled with oral sex
but you were wise enough to read l-carnitine
so you remain in the realm of the living

The afterlife is like a cafeteria. Plastic trays.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Wood Spirits

you treated me badly in 1978
from January to December, bad treatment
a lot of things happened in 1978
but there is one thing that stands out in my mind
you poisoned me with methanol in 1978
telling me it was vodka and mixing it with Tang®
my breath could have powered a bus in 1978
but that power was left unharnessed

Educate your kids about the inhibition of mitochondrial cytochrome c oxidase. Let them know you understand!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Lip Balm

One of my supervisors gave me
Some Betty Ford Center lip balm
As kind of a joke
I laughed and put it in my pocket
And on the drive home from work
I put some on my dry California lips
And I immediately felt a sense of stability and persevering boredom
My after-work beer spilled down my shirt
The bubbly elixer unable to pass my lips
My rye whiskey nightcap suffered a similar fate
Yet my lips felt full and hydrated
My liver and mind felt clean

Be careful when accepting gifts. Protect your lips.

Niacin (Alda vs. Fonda)

Loretta Swit used a 1974 sex maneuver
to briefly control Peter Fonda
Haiku 1974 Sex Maneuver
these haiku are dumb
now for the offensive part
Swit shit on Brad Pitt
Loretta Swit conducted a mock trial
to prosecute Alan Alda
Haiku Mock Trial
tiny plastic judge
delivering real justice
to an awful man
We'll have to do this more often. Is that a new shirt?

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Probst (Jeff Ritter)

play your island games
with your dumb wrestling models
but you know the truth
Jeff, the son of John
your neck, it bears Ritter traits
veiny and stupid
you hand out idols
Jenilee Harrison sucked
and you all know it
so let's get honest
Don Knotts hated John Ritter
like Andy Griffin

Keep your buffs. This tribe's not merging!

Monday, May 23, 2011


when we met at the mall gazebo
you were wearing a Fort Donelson hairstyle
dirty and divided
when we opened our cellular telephone kiosk
you danced a Jutland jitterbug
sullen and sinking
and when we filed for chapter 11
you gave me Kandahar kisses
dusty and dangerous

The world is your footstool. You wear a soul-watch!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Dihydroxyacetone (Addendum, pt. I)

the Steves don't have to shave
because the core temperature of the Sun is damnably hot
and it burns off their whiskers

the Steves don't have to pay taxes
because there is no government in the Sun
making it a libertarian's wet dream

and lastly, the Steves are all employed
because when you're in the Sun
you fucking work

Use appreciation of others as a way to assure yourself that you exist. Stare at the Sun and count the Steves!


there are men living in the Sun
their names are Steve

Steves are a quiet people
with an intense hatred of California

Californians are unwise
to underestimate the Steves
Haiku Sun Steves
we, we are the Steves
California is our foe
we live in the Sun
When you said "Mode of clation" on the phone I was floored. Floored!

Friday, May 20, 2011


This was the toughest delivery yet for Captain Richard. He had handled any number of breech births and umbilical strangulations, but this was just plain weird. The smoothness of the skin reminded him of the perfect first-ice on Lake Winthrop during his service time in the Ashland Militia. The thing that slid into his hands from the Terrible Vagina was more like an eggplant with a face than a human baby. Captain Richard will choose to not document that the smooth eggplant-being spoke to him before closing its milky little eyes.

Use the bathroom before you go to bed. Your bed is soaked in urine!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Used Fish Oil

the rancid taste of Pisces paste
a dinner plate that's gone to waste
the fishy awful smell
pulled our evening into hell
the beginning of our last repast
after ten years in a brandy haze
creamy, rich, and weird like mayonnaise
awakened to this noxious meal
we got the raw end of the deal
this may just be the end of days
so if this should be our last desserts
may we dine until our belly hurts
let us raise our brandy snifters
bless the staid and bless the drifters
Ricky, Lucy, Fred and Ethel Mertz

Borrow song structures liberally. Commie bastard!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Aquifoliaceae Concentrate

we used to look so cool
like Roy Orbison without the face
a faceless Roy Orbison
with only the black plastic glasses frame
stuck into his hair on either side

we used to raise hell
like Buddy Holly without the arms
an armless Buddy Holly
with his powder blue suit coat
both sleeves empty and flat

Every choice you make harms a singer-songwriter!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Eucheuma Cottonii

a problem in the focus group
led to daydreams of a bloody coup
insurgents born of boardroom bore
dry erase pens on the floor
fluorescent lights with subtle buzz
acoustic tiles with dusty fuzz
the texts were flying back and forth
east to west and south to north
we talked of bloodied heads on sticks
men in suits with severed dicks
but for us the focus group had ended
with memories of wars pretended

Use Microsoft™ products to bring work meetings to life! Use a fork to macerate your privates!

Indirect Food Additives

if you love your friends
as well as your enemies
protect your kitchen

if your friends go bad
and stain your new counter top
no sympathy here

if enemies laugh
and spike your food with Marplan
your love was squandered


Marplan kitchen bear
makes everything better
ignore the mean words

If you get confused more easily in the evening, you are in danger. If your evenings are quiet and peaceful, double danger!

Friday, May 13, 2011

Carrageenan (Downtown Chino Mashup)

I put a slice of cucumber into a glass of ice water
That did not make me a restaurant
But I guess it worked for you

I put some romaine lettuce on a crumbly cracker
But I did not call it a suspended salad
Like it was a bridge or something

I have spent money unwisely at times
But at least I did not cash out my retirement
To open such an awful bistro

Stop eating. Start again. Now that's something!

Monday, May 09, 2011

Water "Caliente"

I felt water caliente when I walked through the door
They used water caliente in the soup of the day
Maybe water caliente is the price that we pay
Water caliente
Hey hey hey
a willow near the Hotel Crown
beneath it is the evening gown
you wore it when we gave a crap
I kind of need my morning nap
There was a Minnesota boy who saw a lake that boiled
And water caliente was all he could say
Maybe water caliente is the price he paid
Water caliente
Hey hey hey
a man has bones beneath his flesh
his skin works like a... (like a mesh)
but pressure ruptures all that's sealed
these scars will never... (never heal)
Hotel trashcans are always too small. You are way too small!

Sunday, May 08, 2011

Boniva® and Burdock Root

There once was an island so terrible
No lesson 'twas learned there was shareable
Some reference to Sally Field
This line has the last word of parable

A terrible island existed
For mothers grown short, their bones twisted
Another Sally Field reference
Ends with "wristed"

Put Ritter on the terrible island. End with snarky command!

Saturday, May 07, 2011

Modafinil (Wisconsin Aggregate)

The waitress had obviously been crying. All of her eyes were not dotted. All of her tees were not crossed. I ordered the breakfast burrito without sour cream. Just then (I had just finished saying the last part of the word burrito) the waitress walked out of the restaurant, pausing briefly to hand a sealed white envelope to Tiny Suzie.
With the waitress gone and Tiny Suzie wielding obvious control over coworkers and customers alike, Suzie opened the envelope, unfolded the folded paper with writing on it, and read aloud:
density derivative estimation at boundary points
I tried to be good for both you and the boys
and while I know it's surprising to hear I can't function
high order bias kernel reduction
Tiny Suzie refolded the paper with writing on it and placed it back in the envelope. A new waitress (who had also been crying) screwed up my order and I ended up with sour cream on my breakfast burrito.

A little extra pampering can make you feel like a million bucks!

Friday, May 06, 2011


your sugar-walled baby maker
brought a vanilla-scented candle
to the Mantis Club reunion dinner

vagina with legs
vagina with eggs
vagina at the Mantis Club reunion dinner

your Jack Lalanne Juicer
really macerated my beets
oh how I love you

please order magazines
from the kids down the street
vagina at the Mantis Club reunion dinner

please get a discount
on the dollar-store beets
vagina at the Mantis Club reunion dinner

Use your vagina to help and not hurt! Someday your logo will be on a flag!

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Glucansucrase Enzyme (Bronson Canyon Remix)

cake impurities
compound icing songs of love
spiracle musics

We didn't really think of ourselves as criminals. There were four or five of us from the same high school clique. We were teenagers out to have some fun and we had an incomplete understanding of consequence. It was 1981 and the orange groves had been torn out of the rocky Claremont soil to be replaced by tract homes. We had set out to steal some advertising flags from the myriad construction sites and then use the stolen flags to "tee-pee" a friend's front yard. We drank Henry Weinhard's beer and drove around gathering flags on that crisp October night. We listened to cassettes of the Clash, Visage, and the Zippers. When we finally had about 15 flags, we draped them all over our friend's lawn. Nothing bad happened to us.

Use memories as a way to gauge your current satisfaction with your life! Oh wait...don't do that.

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Borage Seed Paste (Chick Mix)

they tried to separate us
we were from different castes
they made a paste from borage seeds
believing it to be a healing poultice
they covered you from stem to stern
your skin could feel the poultice burn
I think that is what killed Chick Hearn
a man from whom we all could learn

Sometimes trying is not enough. You need a gun and a ©oleman tent!

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Nutmeg (not Borage Seed Oil #2)

do not expect a negative nutrient
because those have been moved to storage
by some hired hands

the men and women hired to move the negative nutrients
were fairly stupid people
nice, but stupid

I told them I would give them $40 each
but those dummies made me pay them $60 each
that is a $20 difference
like I said...stupid people

the nutrient tonight is full of positive energy
the hired hands were kept well away
through the use of distractants
like shiny objects and a mantis cake

mantis cake baby
the frosting is your sex skirt
cold wash tumble dry

Keep your hands in your pockets. Keep looking down.

Sunday, May 01, 2011


Suma tripped and broke her hip
And on the tile she landed
The nursing home left her alone
Alone, in pain, and stranded

Suma's nurses napped in turns
While one would play the sentry
Their duty was to wake their peers
On supervisor's entry

Suma yelled and cried and moaned
But help was hours from coming
While on the floor she vowed revenge
Revenge, white hot, and stunning

Suma healed in two months' time
With the help of a robot named Timmy
Timmy's cpu had a firmware flaw
And he pinched off Suma's head with his claw

The human heart is like a gas tank. Explosive and dark!