Monday, March 28, 2005


Twenty minutes into Antiques Roadshow
We realize it's a repeat
And that woman from Vermont
Got tricked into buying a vase
And she cries about what she spent
Because she thought it was something other
Than a very beautiful vase

Massage can be too enticing. Try oral first!

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Arachnid Pheromones

eight-legged dancer
controlling men through her scent
such a good woman

Try a different religion. Your god is stupid!

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Guarine Sauce (Palenque Tribal Recipe)

George W. Bush forwards an email to Robert Plant
The original sender, James Spader, will one day become an actor
Spader has written to President Bush asking for forgiveness
Bush assumes Spader is seeking a "dull needle" and forwards the email
Plant is outraged

You try writing this shit. I feel empty.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Croton Oil

So there we were
All lined up like Nazi milktrucks leaving the dairy
Five kids being questioned
About a Popsicle stick left in the yard
It didn't just walk there on its own
Dad being clever

My brother Mark
Textbook example of the Adlerian middle-child
Stepped up and took the blame
And the rest of us were released
While Dad and Mark walked, purposefully
To the garage

Aerate your potting soil with shards of glass! Seed protection!

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Bad Chianti

dark house
sleeping wife
cat's on the chair
bad chianti
in a very nice glass
no complaints from me

Aspartame is tumor dust! Use public transportation!

Monday, March 14, 2005

ce dangereux supplément

James Earl Jones drinks too much
And uses science to lure Festival Rats
To his little show
The juggling bear, Edward, has always loved
Lengthy Llama
And Kanga has a special gift
For Pesky Primate
And all the while
James measures out his nightcap
In a graduated beaker

Raise a glass for your health! Enjoy the show!

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Palm Oil (California squeeze mix)

I love what you did with car commercial
When the girl gets splashed with platinum dust
She looks like a comet
So hot but made of ice
Like all the girls in California

You work too hard! You must be mature!

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Warfarin Sodium

You never met the standards of a confectioner
What that means, exactly, is anybody's guess
But to flirt with having sweetness almost every single day
Can only cause a normal man duress
The birthday cake you made me was a poisoned one
(Actually the frosting, not the cake)
You must have spent a lot of time detesting me
And mandatory testing's a mistake

Guess who's in the VIP room? John (R)itter!

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Forest Honey (natural vengeance)

I am Forest Honey and I don't appreciate
The killing of my friends
Or the numbers 6 and 8
I call upon the animals that live within the woods
To bite and take away from you
The ugly, bad, and goods

Quit being so hard on yourself! Try relaxation breathing!

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Oat Bran

Bruce Willis uses a letter opener to seduce (P)esky Sales Associate
Mr. Willis fights his way to the ice cream through the hellish green jungles of Vietnam
Three of the new flavors are mixed with (h)eavy numbers
And Bruce needs to think about security
As he grows older
Because he has broken a lot of hearts
Through seduction
And just plain bad luck

You've broken your share of hearts. Heartbreaker.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005


War photographer finds Native Americans everywhere:
I think I'm looking through air, but I'm not. I'm looking through Native Americans.
Airline pilot puts American Indians in his travel bag:
They're handy to have around. I don't know what I'd do without American Indians.
Archaeologist keeps First Nation corpse-parts in a university basement:
I like to think that the First Nation watches me when I'm dressing. Ooh, I get goose-pimples!

There's a man in your bathroom! (P)illow-fight!