Thursday, March 31, 2011


another enzyme overdose assigned to Phil
thus wrecking his marriage
we could blame his drinking
we could even blame her dastardly sandpaper trick
but on even casual examination
the enzyme overdose is what split them apart

the real tragedy is their known child
a daughter named Lamp
she would watch her father in the basement with his specimens
rigid human forms in filthy, clinging hospital gowns
Lamp wears a hospital gown these days
but only gets visits on weekends

so we have the obvious tragedy of a broken contract
because of a man who loved his profession and drank profusely
and because of a woman with a 5.5" x 9" half sheet of 60 grit
and then we have the emotional evisceration of a young lady witness
who came to understand the appeal of the inherent rigidity
of each and every enzyme overdose

Use respect as an apéritif. Use the word apéritif to sound like a dick!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Beta-Cryptoxanthin (Delta's Blues)

Delta Burke's husband provided cover while Steve and I retook the uniform store in the recently revamped Mountaingreen Center with Kohl's as an anchor store. Smocks littered the floor and did a lousy job at soaking up the blood of the enemies. The rest of the unit would have to wait until we secured the entire stripmall before they could bring in the Shopvacs for cleanup. The Shopvacs were vacuums that cleaned both liquids and solids. It's surprising you didn't already know that, but I imagine you're still thinking about the smocks.

haiku smock thinker
you really need to get laid
to stop the smock think

Two-thirds of our squad survived the retaking of Kohl's #42. Me and Steve. Delta Burke's husband was killed and therefore died. Breaking the news to Delta was a job I gave to Steve because I knew he had feelings for her. Better to lay the groundwork for her weeping-widow seduction scenario with the guy who deserved it. Steve. Steve deserved it.

Try letting go of your anger and just let a wave of peace wash over you. Didn't work for me, either.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Rod-Shaped Bacteria (Sweet Home Alabama: Remix)

Bill, I believe this is killing me!
the sweltering heat
well, it totally sweltered
they were like hot dogs


I'm not really sure how it goes!
smelly family
probably came from Homewood
dumb people central


I hope Neil Young will remember!
their station wagon
parked in the southern sunshine
the windows rolled up


But it's better than drinking alone!
the coroner's van
an air-conditioned palace
Alabama bound

It was 30 years ago today that three members of the country rock band Alabama were killed in a fiery train crash. That explains everything.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Lepidium Meyenii

she got fired today
not so much fired as let go
nonetheless she's gone

I feel kind of bad
her long drive home must have sucked
gas prices and all

I picture her now
calling an out of state friend
to voice her outrage

(imagine an outraged crying person saying the following):
how could they do this?
I moved to fucking L.A.
and lost everything*

Don't think about how your hair is tickling your neck. It itches!

*(future nutrient to address everything)

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Lobelia (vomit wort)

the soldiers were the first to quit
filthy uniforms filled the laundry bins
while naked ex-soldiers laughed and danced

the disabled and infirm were the next to stop
wheelchairs and canes littered the hallways
and there was much jubilance amongst them

domesticated animals then abandoned the charade
subscriptions to streaming movie services quadrupled overnight
Benji and Flipper had again proven their timelessness

then there were those, like us, who were too afraid to stop
we held firm to our rituals and routines
and now we feel safe as we bask in our rewards

Try finishing something for a change. Your hopes are poisoned!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Thiourea and Clams

Harvey Levin could barely feel his hands, both of which had long since gone numb from the tightly wrapped duct tape that secured him to the wooden chair. He could weakly move his fingers, but it seemed like they belonged to someone else (which, in fact, was kind of true). He was new to being kidnapped and was surprised at how much it totally sucked. He had always run through scenarios in his mind where he would be abducted by Maoist rebels or some Islamist splinter group and would eventually outfox his captors and free his fellow hostages. From his place at the head of the elegantly set dining table he viewed his eight hosts and realized that he would pay big money to have the good fortune of being in a Gaza Strip basement or a Peruvian jungle camp.

Britney was the first of the hosts to bite into him, choosing his forearm. Harvey was amazed that he was able to feel that much pain. He had always figured that the brain would mercifully shut down those receptors in the rare event of being mauled by a wild animal. He was wrong. The others set upon him and were careful not to let him lose consciousness throughout their feast. Corey focused on the calves and feet, while Charles and Michael seemed overly focused on Mr. Levin's scalp and face. Conrad and Lindsay turned Harvey Levin's back into some sort of "bite-mark mandala" contest.

Call up a friend you're no longer close to. You'll remember why pretty quickly.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Diethyl Pyrocarbonate (DEPC)

top-off controller vs. the urethane tubesock
this is going to be a boring nutrient
ongoing battles
while the referee saddles a sagging sea hare
how clever that I use aquarium scenarios
the spurs on his referee boots
oh...that makes no sense. how odd and intriguing...and lazy
gash the proboscis of the attacking exchange student
now that last line was ok, but the three of you that read this blog are pretty much low-hanging fruit. no offense meant (blog readers are jerks)

Take a nap with an old friend. Your friends are arachnids!

Monday, March 21, 2011

FD&C Violet No. 1

you brought me cobalt sulphate
and smeared it on my chest
you treated me like birthday cake
I thought you were the best
the dancers brought the music
and singers sang their songs
the colors ran like rivers
through mouths that got along
you drowned out in the current
the river's work was done
they found your body yesterday
near violet number one

Cape Cod has the best fried clams! Does Cape Clam have the best fried cod?

Sunday, March 20, 2011

False Unicorn (helonia)

Ric Ocasek Luggage Boutique held a fashion show for skin-boxes, while the uncomfortable sampling benches amplified my backache. I took out my "cellular" telephone to check the time and was successful in doing so. The lady seated next to me was one of the local "smock-art" zealots, proudly wearing a freshly painted art smock.
Haiku Art Smock
you could smell the smock
fresh paint brought out the smock smell
where is the price list?

Pay attention to solar storms. You are an unknowing tool of Chrissie Hynde!

Friday, March 18, 2011


massive disappointment
the kitchen staff had obviously fled
leaving fruit flies suspended in mid air
russets squinting through a thin brown plastic bag
and an autumn-themed oven mitt

Have that dream where you can't reach the steering wheel!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Ethanol (Victor Impress Paris)

"The VIP lounge filled with sexy smells
as the tarts writhed against the creeps."

There once was a neo-Victorian
Whose dishware was late-seventies Corian

Unfinished business is what's on the menu! Good night, stupids!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Strontium 90

You say words like "radio" and "tank"
Leaves the lot of your friends
I say word combinations like "the lot" and it makes me feel British
And your wife turns up in the United States
She is pregnant with a baby child in her
And you tell me it makes you happy
And you are fairly certain you are the father
And she will give birth to a beautiful baby
Not a large ear of corn

Use coupons to cut down your outflow. Checkbooks are so 1988!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Corn Oil

It used to be a given
That oil was made from corn
At least 'twas true for salad oil
Matt Damon/Jason Bourne
A corn processing secret
It makes the oil romantic
Leonardo Dicaprio
Was good in The Titanic
Corn oil
Corn oil
Corn oil
A mole can make a mountain
On which it climbs a man
But Corporal Squirrel
Demands corn oil
Corn oil
Go to just a little bit of hell
Corn oil
Stupid movies, Sergeant Crow
Florence Henderson is limping
Corn oil

Lieutenant Cassidy halts your protest. You fear the crossing guard!

Monday, March 14, 2011

Helium 3

her voice got funny
like a cartoon character
we laughed and we laughed
then my turn came up
she passed me a full balloon
I breathed in deeply
searing pain gripped me
my lungs were filled with Moon dust
I began to float
my friends got smaller
as I ascended upward
toward my new home

When tossing a salad on Earth, use more force to compensate for the gravitational pull. Design a lever that pulls off your own head!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Iodine (from kelp) Part II: The Reckoning

Cityscape 231 is glorious in its simplicity:
A main square with mixed use commercial/residential.
Suburb attractants such as big box stores and health clubs.
Outlet malls and retraining camps a little further out.
Life support and waste management facilities as the outer circle.
And the protective blast wall melds seamlessly with the dome shield.
Your new family will be fully trained in "Home-Life" to help the transition go smoothly.

Does the mind helmet protect or correct? Relax and let go!

Saturday, March 12, 2011


"Those shirts. They look smooth."
He will purchase a shirt.
"And that pillowcase...there are no apparent unnecessary creases."
He is named Chamber Sutherland, and he will be buying two pillowcases today.
"Rib Cafe!"
There will be ribs aplenty at Rib Cafe.

Name your appliances! They own you.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Chlorine (the year: 2146)

She complained about the chlorine smell in her portable exobladder. She had called me from the hunching parlor and accused me of putting bleach into one of her uretoports. I uncommed before she started welking.

What a complete haint!

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Birthday Cake

your traffic school friends
force-fed me birthday cake
after I had passed out

my death was prevented
by your dachshund, "Pixie"
who (I am told) ate the cake from out of my mouth

you could have eaten the cake from out of my mouth
but you were upstairs with "Road Cone"
playing some sort of (I am told) game with your butt

Walk to your next doctor's appointment! Your driving is awful!

Monday, March 07, 2011

Phytonutrient Supplements for Seniors

card-game analogy goes here, like "bluffy got stumped"
and then we use a gun-word, like "poppy"
we imagine Bluffy and Poppy as neighbors
one is a man and one is not
so this man and not-man have dead spouses
long since removed from their respective homes
or so we imagine

Were you the one who told me about "Fire Nurse?" Never mind.

Sunday, March 06, 2011

Rye or Whatever

You had food or something
And this big dog (it was your dog) misbehaved and pulled your arm down
Which would have been fine if you were walking instead of driving

I will not eat in your car because you do not drive in my kitchen!

Friday, March 04, 2011

Gelatin Capsules (filled with melamine)

His parents fed him female hormones from the time he turned nine.
He was passed from uncle to uncle to brother-in-law and back to mom and dad.
By the time he turned fourteen he had fully developed breasts.
When he started victimizing others he was sixteen and overweight.
He had a mustache and tits and knew how the game was played.

Your posture could be better! Your memories tilt your body!

Thursday, March 03, 2011


do not thank me now
for giving you nutrients
through your hungry eyes
for I have no choice
my team of smart scientists
help me to do this
look at your screen now
and have your tiny moment

Wrap a pastor in rattan! Instant scratching post!

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Quinoa Protein Concentrate

First off, let's just accept what's going on:
We've got inclement weather
We have aspirations that exceed our true potential
We have a fifteen-year history of motivational speakers
Addressing our aspirations

So here is the perfect storm:
Our aspirations need yardwork, i.e.: trimming
The weather is unpredictable
Potential is completely reliant on the following formula:
Resilience = r
Tenacity = t
aspirations = a
output (actual consumables, be it words or music, etc.) = o

So: r(o) + t(o) + a(o) = product
Product = history + weather in summation with rta(o)

And we rebel while mundane grains monopolize our maple syrup.

Try writing a book without content! Pussy!

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Mantle Pinching

tire-store Dave rose to the sediment surface
his adductor muscle twitched like an unbalanced P195/65R-15
on a Chino side street
his swollen mantle edges flared and billowed (which is not easy)
and he was in serious danger of gaping

Dave was in some pretty big trouble
fortunately, Dave's coworkers were bivalve nurse-specialists
they did a quick test of his watery meats that showed unusual blistering
and the slime-net query yielded several possible treatments

customers at the shop, however, were growing restless
all had been fooled into buying three and getting one free
and were surprised that a full complement of tire-store employees
held skill-sets that were worth a yearly six figures at any fishery
on either the Atlantic, Pacific, or Gulf Coast

yet they all worked here at this Azusa, California tire store
tan and fit, holding both wrenches and stethoscopes
working to rescue Dave from a parasite unknown
while the Mazdas and Fords stayed perched on their lifts
high and safe above the sediment flooring

Try ordering two entrees for yourself on your next date! Pig!