Sunday, March 30, 2014


I was wearing my macho outfit from Big 5
And you had on those tasty cut-offs
We could have gone hiking but we did not
We could have made love
Right then and there
But we did not
Instead we got to killing
Killing those who'd wronged us
You used my dead dad's fillet knife
On Oscar Latte and his wife
I burned a car full of teenage girls
And then I eviscerated Uncle Earl
Then the night was over and we were covered in blood
But Dr. Bronner's soap erased the sinful crud
It was only in those times that I felt alive
In my macho outfit from Big 5

Your dead relatives have fishing gear. Go catch a pike, you stupid fucks!

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Organically Bound Minerals (with kelp)

She asked me about four times if I was a cop
I told her she was the cop and that she smelled good
She asked me why I thought she was an undercover cop
I told her I had connections in the force and that I thought she was pretty hot
She asked again if I was a cop and I said, yeah I'm a cop
She said she was a cop, too
I said yeah, I know and I'm pretty sure I love you
She reached beside her hip and pulled her Tazer out
She removed the dart cartridge and pressed the steel prongs of the main unit into my ribs
I told her again that I loved her and she leaned in and kissed me
It was an awkward kiss that was so soft and genuine that my heart fucking melted
She pulled back and smiled while she reholstered her Tazer
We've been together for over a week now and I really think it's gonna work

Never forget that you're being deceived! Arrest your genitals for crimes against humanity.

Friday, March 28, 2014


So you got the results of your chest X-Ray?
-Yeah. They said it didn't show anything.
So you don't have ribs or a spine?
-Well I'm sure it showed those things.
Then what's with the fucking lies? Why can't they straight up tell you that your chest X-Ray showed a whole bunch of stuff like ribs and a spine?
-I'm thinking they meant there were no abnormal findings with my chest X-Ray. I am fairly certain I have a spine, some ribs, and all the other stuff.
Yeah, but they planted that seed of doubt. I think that's pretty fucked up. What did they say about your lab results?

Use corn starch to thicken gravy. You are empty!

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

DHEA (not Powdered Glass)

You gave me DHEA outside of Cabo San Lucas
And told me it was crushed glass in gelatin capsules
Those were the days when I took whatever pills you would give me
Because I controlled you by being submissive
I could tell you were lying about the pills
I have scientific eyes and a tongue that senses shifts in pill-weights
Now we do not travel together because you live in another state
Where the FDA lets you misrepresent supplements
I am no longer in control after standing up to you
And my scientific eyes miss your warm smile
And my tongue longs for the uneven weights of those gelatin capsules

Take at least fourteen pills right now. Be careful if you are part Mexican!