Ester-C

autosaved draft post
pokes through shipshape mud
in the peristaltic ocean
we go seaward hopeful
islands with cartoon deer
will beckon us to port
onboard your coffee reeks
like arguing skunks
but it warms our hands
a return to list of posts

Gently put bleach in your eye: It stings!

Mr. Guam

Randy the snitch almost blew our wetworks assignment
One helicopter ride and the boy opened up
Like a steamed clam
Like an icon
The cleanup went off without a hitch
Meaning nothing; Saying nothing
Their oil is our butter
Perfect for clams

Try camping during a storm! Nature is perfect!

Tripe

John Travolta stomach surgery lets implicators free
Demanding "Big 3" layoffs
While settlers promote "Sex Day" and hold collective breaths
We traverse pickled canyons to watch our own deaths
Lamenting the lack of proper tackle to catch brown trout

This was supposed to be the last nutrient. Fuck you!

Super Splendid Flavor Laugh

Thom Yorke diede todaye
Billy Idol never dies
Thom Yorke diese eache daye

Disassociate
You have the latest software
Dennis Callaci

Abridged perversion
Very few understand it
Dennis Callaci

Please try to regulate your speech. Mistakes are hard to erase.

Calcium Carbonate (Three Joke Haiku)

he was bon-i-fied
put her drink onto my tab
that's shale in the treads

Don't ever get your hopes up. Remember your leafy greens!

Earth Clinic tells me that "Molasses Cures Cancer!"

This all makes sense to me now, because in December of 2005, I read the following:
B&G Foods has signed an agreement to acquire the Grandma's Molasses brand from Mott's LLP, a Cadbury Schweppes Americas Beverages company, for US$30m in cash and certain assumed liabilities.

Which immediately made me think about the CEO and Director of B&G, David L. Wenner. According to the B&G website:
Prior to joining B&G Foods, Mr. Wenner spent 13 years at Johnson & Johnson in supervision and management positions, responsible for manufacturing, maintenance and purchasing. Mr. Wenner is active in industry trade groups and has served as President of Pickle Packers International.

So, not only do you have the Johnson & Johnson connection (Read: Secret molasses/cancer research facilities located underground in the gently rolling hills of Garberville, California), you also have the "pickle" connection (Read: You can't work to cure a disease until you know how to cause said disease).

This brought me to a fascinating article from April of 2004 which had the following warning:
The Agency has issued a third update about contamination of Pran brand pickles with the illegal dye Sudan I, after it emerged that a further product, Boroi Sweet Pickle, is affected.

The connections between "Mr." Wenner and the Sudan I pickle poisonings were beginning to make sense. It seems that molasses will likely be a cure to the specific cancer one gets from consumption of the Sudan I pickle.
Again:
Dec 11, 2005 (KHARTOUM) — The Ministry of Animal Resources has said that it has confirmed that the reason behind fish perishing in the Blue Nile in Al-Jazirah State was molasses waste being discharged by the sugar factory near the area.

So it seems that the Grandma's Molasses acquisition coincides directly with a fish-killoff in the Sudan.

Makes you look twice, doesn't it?

Steve Irwin Cardiology Journal

I see that you subscribe to the Steve Irwin Cardiology Journal
I am now convinced you've given up on the medical model
That you are embracing the "new medicine" we've both derided over so many pints
I picture you holding a patient's hand and explaining, "Our verbal languages may be different, but this...this we both understand"
I warn you now, my friend
His methods have consequences both legal and ethical
And for every practitioner that successfully steps into his shoes
Twenty others lose their minds

Yes! They go insane!

Bobcat

Kim's mom transport on 09/05 to Dr. Gott at Casa Colina at 2pm
Disability info
Mody for form
Call Crystal
Lab
New mask
water
return Givens thing
bobcat

Spend more time outdoors! Go camping in 3 weeks.

Strained Lotus

she told me to meet her at the Strained Lotus
and when I asked about the cuisine she said
it's about a D+
the restaurant was more crowded than I expected
and the county considered it a B establishment
the plum wine kept coming
and so did she but that story can be told
another time
I was too drunk to drive and I asked her for a taxi
and she said she didn't have one
I had one but that story can be told
another time
we ended up at her place which is funny because
it's my place too
we had the leftovers boxed and we left them in the cab
which is fine because she was right about it
being a D+

Always wear a surgical mask when performing surgery.

Lifesmell (Corduroy vs. Machine oil)

You must be mistaken
I am not the drunk guy from the wedding
There are groups of white men
Masquerading as me
And these bastards
Confide in the bride's mother
All their regrets and,
Alternately,
Hopes
Not for the lucky couple
But for themselves
And it is because of these men
That I forward my own apology
For their behavior
On my behalf

Heart disease is only half the answer. Love early and often.

Kelp Beds and Memory Foam

your clear directions are written in clean white beach sand
against black asphalt
I use a broom to disperse the four foot F and move on
to the U
you are not mentally compromised as far as I can tell
though arguably obsessive
my arms getting sore as I sweep the C into the gutter
a passing truck turns the K into an R
your perfect kerning has not been lost on me and I move on
to the next set of san serif dunes
and the O is impossible to fully distort
becoming larger and fuzzier yet still discernible
unlike the two remaining Fs
I stand with a pushbroom in our driveway on Balboa Boulevard
in the ruins of our sandcastle

Memory foam.

Dream Crusher

I feel a strong kinship
To the remorseful killers I meet
If we could take it back
We would
We would unload the gun
Or look at ourselves and laugh
Knowing how much worse it could be
And we would be so thankful
To have another chance to live
Without the malignant, tugging ghost
Of our own creation

Try listening to the sounds of the ocean. There's peace in there somewhere.

Classic Vertical Eruption (Anti-Growing Bulge Theory)

The scientists couldn't see
That the blocked magma was inflating a water balloon
Inside a birthday cake
For little Johnny
Happy birthday little Johnny

Steve Martin is funny. I am not funny.

Kirkland Drinking Water

real pureness hugged by clear walls
an opaque lid guards against evaporation
and impurities
hired by angry queens and other imperialists
these mercenary armies of impurities
negotiate truces with one another
in order to form a more perfect union
to stand together through troubled times
to offer solace to those with sick or dying parents
and to establish unconditional positive regard
while wearing only thin cotton night-shirts
THIN COTTON NIGHT-SHIRTS
**Franz///KitchenAid///Regen-V**
when pairing John Ritter sandwich kings with
old Madonna look-alikes
we are left with a decimal on both sides of our zero
while the opaque lid does its dance of nothingness
in order to keep the water clean

Drink plenty of water every day. Be prepared for death!

God Tuchy

Yeoow!!
God touchy
Lets me let you do what you need to
And that drives Lambert crazy
Please let him go crazy
And that's what makes the water flow
And lets me be the snake
Snake boy letting god touchy go
Fantastic flow
I know oh how I know
So Lambert flexes
And I invite your guests
To your party of parties
And now I pass the test
Giant isms make me plan for the past!

Don't take child talk as serious! Borrow malt liquor now.

Claims Definition

three times in one week
talk spreads at the Salt Flats Bar
could there be tunnels?

desert vapor cloud
off-road vehicles stalling
children with helmets

the news comes in slow
uniformed men on horseback
set perimeters

Try making your own vitamins. Not so easy!

Bay Leaf

I found a handgun in my wife's underwear drawer
Two boxes of ammo and a cleaning kit
So close to her nether-garments
A firearm on a secret shelf
What if I had found panties in her gun drawer?

Go through your spouse's drawers tonight!

Nordhoff Sequence

You have read to me
Passages from the Nordhoff Sequence
And while I tried to listen
You pried my eyes open with your hope
That I would one day have a child of my own
To whom I could give such a gift
The Nordhoff Sequence was the dust in my eyes
From the rafters of your heaven
The Nordhoff Sequence object-fucked me
Of my perceived innocence
Now, with you awaiting your end
I would like to, finally, read to you

Science is religion for squares. Mad. Back. Yes.

Immediate Resource Distribution Scenario

When I called out loudly into the august August
night
Your name came out from my throat like a missile
The force was enough to drain the light from the
stars
Giving us, finally, a truly black night
And that was the night before the morning I
buried you
Immediate resource distribution scenario
And your name allowed me to label and carry you
Immediate resource distribution scenario

Corn is like grapes. Corn wine!

Frosl ("osl")

car for osl
left bank osl
terry cloth osl four-bank
lemon-four terry cloth osl bank

ten alito osl four-bank! car osl!

Wild Harvested Crystal Manna Blue Green Algae

Love, like essential products, is about taking risks
Passion, much like those things we must have, is about saying "Yes" and saying it often
Will you walk in that puddle?
Yes. Yes I will.
Will you offer the toothless man a backrub?
Yes. Of course. Risks...yes.
And whenever you open the refrigerator, will you declare that you've found the raccoon?
Yes. Yes on the raccoon find refrigerator pledge.
Trust, very much like Wild Harvested Crystal Manna Blue Green Algae, is about purposely bruising your thighs and claiming you were attacked by a forest animal (most likely a rabid deer)
My bilateral thigh bruises occurred during an assault by Nature's Mammal.
Will you win the battle with the mammal?
Yes. I will win. I take risks and I will win.

Trust and passion alone make for a very weak milkshake. Try adding a silica-based catalyst.

January Mistweed (fortified brain-nubby)

You brought me a parcel from "Francie"
She sent me a little "Faux Grox"
You, being so clever, knew I would not eat Grox
Planned the whole thing
You knew I would throw the package down
**In Disgust**
And Francie would be but a memory
She with her poultry hair
And an air of despair

Oh contrare! Oh Sinclair!

Bitters (as many as forty ingredients)

Lost girl rides a maraschino cherry like a Hippety-Hop
Clear red juice collects in erratically-spaced ponds on the imported quarry-stone patio
Her increasingly hard landings take a toll on sugar-saturated cherry skin
The once-round fruit-mount gives way to the space left from the previous pitting
And she wonders if all of her steeds will be hollow

Date-sugar is both sweet and fruity! Eat it or ride it!

Aloe (1025 hours free)

mites are everywhere
abscessed ears produce cat funk
smelling up our lives

now dog-dog has it
and her waxy canals stink
mites are everywhere

brown spots dot the sheets
as dead mites fall from cat ears
we should have had kids

A shout out to the ladies! More vagina!

Eats (Vorticum Septum Vulgaris)

Oh! Ye of strong menthol!
Come hither, Vicks snakery!
How you climb through obvious vaporial drafts
Only to cause tingling warmness!
You are strong and mineral-based
Like the dark liquid we have fought wars over
And once the wars are over
You will be there to soothe our strained alveoli
You will comfort the limbless soldiers
Who bonded with one another amidst sandstorms and prostitutes
With a frightening explosion now and then
It's hard to pry these men apart
From the morbid gravity of memories
And the understanding of honor
That can never be duplicated among civilians

Lock and load! Try some zinc lozenges along with your Vicks!

Commiphora Resin

a sober driver
car is gassed up; oil looks fine
such a long, clean road

passing mile markers
and unintentionally
I read a billboard

I am admonished
to please drink responsibly
they must know better

If you meet the Buddha on the road, acknowledge him with brief eye contact and a slight nod. He likes that.

Salvia Divinorum (Labiatae)

I waited until Significant Other took the hit
When She ran to the kitchen I figured I had better put the pipe down
Her face was red and dry like the felt on a Christmas stocking
And Her eyes were dark stars or buttons. Whatever.

Emergency room doctor nodded while I talked
Having heard these same lies under slight variations in circumstance
My guilt must have made the air around us taste sour
Because his concern-face bunched up into a look of disgust
As if he had licked the metallic shame from the back of my mouth

And She had lost Her mind and gained it back in two hours
Or so She had us all believe for the past few months
But something inside of Her was different in a very bad way
Pounding the message home like an ABC After-School Special
And her eyes were dark stars or buttons. Whatever.

Treasure what you have. Or don't. Whatever.

Methylene Chloride (turn the channel)

I recently received a complaint from a woman
Who blamed Visual Nutrients for her son's allergic reaction
To althea root
And it's not that I don't feel bad
About her stupid kid's decision
To read a nutrient he had a known allergy to
I guess I just feel bad
That I received a complaint
Because reading Visual Nutrients is a choice
And most of the time it's a healthy choice

Do not read tonight's nutrient! Reading is never completely safe.

Phosphorus Pentachloride

John McCain brings flowers to his wife
hoping she won't ask about the horrific torture
he underwent while a prisoner during the Vietnam War
he looks into her eyes and knows she has a question
inside, he shrivels and waits
"did they make you eat their shit?"
not as bad an inquiry as last week
when she wanted to know about the bent metal rod
and how they were able to push it so far inside him
without killing him
dinner is on the table
but he looks at the beautiful roast
and can only think about the taste of shit

Try controlling others with your thoughts! Now try controlling yourself!

Chocolate Calcium Chews

Oh my god! Is this candy or a nutritional supplement? I am so...
echoes of a crackling fire
it is night and you try to stay warm
I could eat a hundred of these! The flavor...
insects rise from their slumber to harass you
thin cloth does not shield you from nature's attack
What I hate most is having to unwrap each one! Why can't it be a big...
bones are found years later
archaeologists assign numbers to your pieces

There is no noble death. Prepare the slides.

Aspartame

I stopped by your grave tonight
It was hard to read your name because there wasn't much light
There were cemetery thugs hiding out in the darkness
The sounds of automobiles penetrated the starkness
I didn't stay long and there was no deep thought
Someday you'll come back as a robot
Except you'll have a human head
And you'll be singing the songs of Lobo and Bread

I found a diary underneath a tree. A simple man!

Cholecalciferol (Vitamin D3)

possum and raccoon
an animal rivalry
they could be brothers

one stupid, one smart
road-kill and the hotdog thief
grew up together

raccoon getting laid
while possum falls off a fence
nature is not fair

uber-cool face mask
versus thick scabby armor
raccoon always wins

Try imagining yourself as the raccoon! You make others feel bad!

D-glucarate (ambition vs. retention)

new-technology Furby stares at me through fleshy eyelids
I read the paper and solve the world's problems
in my head
new-technology Furby has a more ape-like appearance
and toes that look like individual uncircumcised penises
and I make a mental list of things to do today
new-technology Furby comes with a plastic spoon to assist in its feeding
and I am reminded of the Who song, "Substitute"
new-technology Furby competes with the dog for attention
and the dog wins every time

Profound statement. Ironic, whipsmart rejoinder nullifying profound statement.

Clam-Shell Calcium (clam)

you wore a shawl over your lower parts
even being otherwise naked
or nude, otherwise
except for that damned shawl
always covering
what I knew to be a very valuable pearl
that you kept between your legs
and this pearl was rumored to be the size
of a small marble
and perfectly round
held still by your labial folds
with opaque oily swoops and rainbows
defying the pretentiousness of other pearls
by being as spectacular as its setting
which, of course, are your labial folds

Electricity has made you more of a saint. I fainted when they tainted the paint!

Gator Testes (andro-sympathetic)

You are from Florida
and I hate you
What have you done to help others?
Yes. Nothing.
You are from Florida
and Wilma's on her way
Do you know her other name?
I bet you don't
I bet you think god's on your side
You are wrong.
God hates Florida
God hates you
God hates her other name

A good "B" supplement can help you if you're a drinker. A decent relationship can't hurt, either.

Hydrocodone (You Got Your Peanut Butter in my Chocolate Remix)

Yes the Vicodin is good and tasty sweet
But the jar of peanut butter is tucked away
--behind the meat
Oh yes, behind the meat is a jar of the jammy
Waiting for your taste buds to call to their mammy
So the chocolate is Hershey's and the bar is hard
There's a multiracial gathering
In the yard
--behind the meat

Try treating your pain with acupuncture. Then don't.

Fairy Dust

sometimes we adults
want to let the wind just blow
against our buildings

tensile strength tested
our engineers rarely err
while assessing air

the warm wind fools us
comfort everywhere outside
with static building

magnesium flares
how were we so lost in thought
that we just dried up?

Do not trust in magic. Nature is not magic.

Core Values (a tribute to the living)

looking at my mom
and wondering who carved out
her immortality
and made her just another person
in the struggle

I see the medical staff
some whom I have worked with
and I am familiar with their lies
and up until two weeks ago
so was she

the 21st century
has done away with the white labcoat
and given way to off-the-rack suits
stylish yet affordable
in the era of HMOs

dramatically, she asks me to have her cremated
so I pretend to arrange it immediately
from her bedside phone
and she slaps the bed with her hand and says
"hang up that goddamn phone"

What I would give for some "anytime minutes" about now.

Grain Alcohol (Everclear)

Drunk friend finally found himself in my mirror
"What does drunk friendship mean to you?"
I replied that he should not be using my mirror
"Will you save me this time?" asks drunk friend
I again replied, though this time differently than my first reply:
Haiku Second Reply
there was a savior
His name was Jesus H. Christ
He wore a nice suit

if He came to you
you would reject His offer
of no closing costs

but He is long gone
He took the Feds' offer of
witness protection

The second reply is always a thin riddle! Thiddle!

Wooden Secrets (House of Car)

I am expelling
and you are falling asleep
we both work so hard

expectations suck
as Nature's little tricks laugh
and again, we write

the tragic line up
for a spot with one of us
ignore them, kind of

Sorrow can tear through any structure! We defeat ourselves!

Chicken Nutrients (A Marital Blessing for Stella and Tim)

Like a forklift in motion
He'll grab a nearby spoon and plunge it into the pot
Pulling up a hot, savory surprise
He'll longingly blow on the spoon
And at last, open his mouth to taste my love potion
The Nutrients of Marriage are the Nutrients of Chicken

Tryptophan
A lonely chicken
His posture a crooked road
Where will he travel?
Vitamin B3 (niacin)
The plucky young hen
Dances to the radio
Her beak mouthing words
Protein
A chance meeting now
Lone traveler and dancer
Beaks touch; Feathers twitch
Vitamin B6 (pyridoxine)
How can birds feel so?
That four wings have twice the lift
Allowing full flight
Phosphorus
But these birds will stay
These birds will scratch together
Sharing worms and seeds
Calories (223)
A free-range lifestyle
Watching black and white sunsets
What all birds strive for

Happy marriage! Lots of love to both of you!

Molybdenum (Post-Redux)

You are so dumb
Your brain is numb
And your father? Your father is a bum
And like you, he always wants some
chorus
Molybdenum- it's the nutrient of choice
Helping the speechless find their voice
Molybdenum- from dandelion greens
Helping the helpless make the scene
verse
Cat got your tongue?
Thinking about your mum?
You treat her like chum
Do sharks have tongues?
chorus ii
Molybdenum- taking over this town
Out on the dance-floor spinning around
Molybdenum- to some degree
Is adored by all on bended knee
chorus iii
Molybdenum- controlling your thoughts
Innocence lost in terra-cotta pots
Molybdenum- borrows your things
Book covers stained with coffee rings
chorus iii.5
Molybdenum- god is dead
All worth saying has all been said
Molybdenum- the battle is lost
The theme song's written by Mike Post

Never stop while you're ahead! You're ahead!

Garlic (Accident)

Please drink the anti-freeze
Imagine it's good wine (not great wine)
And you'll get through it
Please write a letter to all the men you've slept with
And tell them that you meant it
Each and every time
Because you really did
And please be a burden
In your next life, too

You are like a hurricane! A southern man don't want him around anyhow!

N-nitrosoethanolamine (NDELA)

burglar and rapist
eat their meals separately
to get their fair share

wife and her husband
hats tossed into the same ring
with brims not touching

hen and a big cock
scratching at the same dry dirt
and then the pecking

Roller skating is great exercise! People on wheels.

Angelica Sinensis

7R: So why the nutrient lag?
1M: The magic is gone.
7R: So is this it? The end of the line?
1M: Too early to tell.
7R: We demand you continue!
1M: Then so be it.

Quantity over quality! Prepare for nothing!

Starch (Starch)

Starch starch
Trite and starch
And you guessed it!
Starch starch
Mom was drunk
Starch
I paid the electric bill
And starch

Strong language brings with it danger. You guessed it.

Methylbenzene

They find Krab passed out in the shed
With a wad of those overpriced blue paper towels
Resting dumbly against his unconscious hand
And while it's easy to view this scene as pathetic
They view it as an shining opportunity
To kill him and make it look like an accident
They use a cigarette
And a tipped-over gallon of paint thinner
To take care of the problem they used to laugh with
And sleep with
The flames take care of the problem of individual weakness
Replacing it with the cunning of survival

Set your friends on fire! Set yourself on fire!

Probiotic Mushrooms

The pizza you ordered
Came with probiotic mushrooms
Which would have been fine
If instead of being hungry
We were interested in living
But we were not interested in living
We wanted to eat pizza
And drink red wine
But somehow you fucked up the order
And the delivery guy
Bless his 19-year old stoned-ass heart
Arrived at our door not so much holding a pizza box
But conjoined with a pizza box
He was covered in life
Vines and flora and even a paw
And he crawled off our porch
Becoming a permanent part of our landscape

The pizza guy was alive! We are alive!

Microcrystalline Cellulose (Nature's Best!)

There is a problem with my "Optitopsysmosis" technology that has not been addressed yet here on Visual Nutrients. I have done what no scientist should ever do: I withheld data that *may* influence how these valuable (yet free on my site) nutrients are absorbed into your body. The problem involves the vision center in the brain and how the data (and, obviously, moleculonutrients) are transferred into your cellular structure when the "tiny moment" concludes. What I am getting at here is the fact that this is not necessarily a visual function, but an optical function. What this means exactly, I do not yet know. I am not a scientist.

Science is pure fact! The best scientists are Jews!

SAM-e (Ural, The)

When we played Risk you
You used to cheat, I
I know it because no one
No one could have rolled those
Those sixes and even*
Even when I watched
Watched you turn the dice over
Over in your hand, I
I still wanted to play again
Again and again

Bob Seger killed his brother Peete! *(not seven)

Purification Rundown (Katie Holmes Target Gift Card)

With the Fascut FS-600 Rebar Cutter Bender
The Garberville project moves along smoothly
With reinforced concrete and steel
Survival and repopulation should not be problematic
Safety and comfort must be emphasized
During the couple's first visit
And tell Katie that Michael Graves
Will also be here in due time

Rethink waste management! One-way valves?

Aristolochic Acid

The white people can't get enough of that ZZ Top!
Afterburner sure carved a new hole in the soundscape
That "shicka-shicka" background snare/cymbal combo
Spoke to the whites' "shicka-shicka" sensibilities
Like that old commercial where the kid gets peanut butter
Into the other kid's chocolate
You got your rock stuck in my blues!
You got your blues stuck in my rock!
And there is no "Behind the Music" special
Showing Gibbons and Ham "tugging the beard"
And there is no Barbara Walters special
Describing Mr. Hill's "alleged" surgery
To create a discrete flap of skin
Capable of hiding small amounts
Of birthwort
From the other white people

National anthem! International mayhem!

Ae_AAT1 (Ae. aegypti amino acid transporter 1)

When transporter 2 inevitably fails you
You know where you can go to feel safe
You know how to relive the comforts of the past
Of your first love
Fumbling about in a shameless fog
You will come back
You will come on back
To transporter 1
And when sickness returns to you
Like memories of a schoolyard threat
You will not see hide nor hair
Of transporter 2
You will end up drunk again
In a phone booth
Calling the only number that makes any sense
The number
To the home of transporter 1
And the familiar voice will soothe you
Reaving the chelated fears from your sides
You will come back
Yes you will come on back
To transporter 1

Try being the one you will always love! Narcissist!

Silo Gases

Your old apartment in Edgewater
With the brown carpet
Has been rented out to an Ohio couple
Who tragically have fewer limbs
Than most Ohio couples
And I am not asking that you
SEND MONEY
To the limb-challenged pair
But it is certainly an option
Given that you have the money
And know the address

There once was an Ohio couple
Whose grain silo formed a gas bubble
Some limbs were removed
By the exploding tube
As it launched up to space near the Hubble

When you lived in Edgewater
Making your fortune
Using both of your legs
And both of your arms
To walk around on the brown carpet
Holding a phone and a drink
Telling me
Business is business!
I would try to picture you
On fire in front of some corn

Be careful out there today! Limb-challenge!

Pine Needle (Threat)
I know a lot of smart people
And I am sure
You think you know a lot
Of smart people

I know a lot of genuine people
And I am sure
You think you know the next line
Because you are smart

I know a lot about you
And I am sure
You think I have no idea
About your true intellect

I know a lot about myself
And I am sure
I am in no position to judge you
But I do
And I am correct

You are mad at smart people! You are oh so mad!

Hydrozyme 250T

digestive tract-homes
but you always say "track-homes"
my stomach hurts bad

our boy is gone now
replaced by nothing at all
dogs and the childless

I learned a new trick
on how to consume sorrow
without the burning

was life ever full
enough to make up for
all this drastic loss?

There are millions of unwanted animals! Want and love is not enough!

Galerina Autumnalis (one of the three destroying angels)

Randall had driven his Datsun 610 out onto the frozen lakebed before
He knew to stay within 100 yards of the shoreline
Even though the lake was only 300 yards across
But tonight they had managed to stuff six people in the car
Trevor had Callie on his lap in the passenger seat
Nina and Greg were already making out in the back
And Sheila kept her eyes locked on Randall's from the back seat
Jokingly, but not
Randall asked if he should go for it
Trevor couldn't talk because he had Callie positioned exactly right
But Callie said, "Sure, man. What do we have to lose?"
(and the sad thing is, Callie really did have nothing to lose)
Nina and Greg, keeping true to their future idiocy
Chanted, "Do it! Do it!"
And Sheila, through the rearview, made a "Home Alone" face
And winked at Randall
Letting him know that the outcome did not matter

Take a risk with your friends! Friendship is temporary!

Henbane (Hyoscyamus Niger)

When you feel the world is closing in
And your burden weighs a ton
When the guilt and shame of your past sins
Makes the Devil think he's won
You must remember you've got something
That can make that Devil run

When the light of life has lost its glow
And the candle's short on wick
There's a little secret you should know
A sleight of hand, a ruse, a trick
You'll need a scalpel and a crucifix
A bit of henbane, sage, and sticks

Now the Devil isn't stupid
So you'll have to do this right
Or you may as well just give up now
If you're not willing to fight

So you wait until September 4th
A day of questionable significance
And you draw a seven-pointed star
On the kitchen floor. Magnificent!
Then you call the Devil out from hiding
From a Starbucks out in Michigan

There is no Devil! Super-Devil!

Grossly Inadequate Carotenoids

I looked in the cupboard for the adequate carotenoids
I could not
For the life of me
Find them
I looked even deeper
On the lower shelves
(behind which many an onion
or potato
has softened into inedibility)
And I could not find them

I lowered my standards
And searched for the passable carotenoids
Lo and fucking behold
No sign of them, either

So here I am
Once again settling
For what you have left me
Hidden behind the cinnamon sticks
We bought for the mulled cider

I know in my heart (and really, I do)
That inside this oxidized Tupperware
Are grossly inadequate carotenoids
Meant to make me feel small (it worked)
And to ruin my life

Being thrifty can save you a bundle! Broken glass...ouch!

Cher

So this Lebanese doctor
Tells me he took his wife to the Cher concert
"She's Armenian! And she's so sexy!"
And I don't quite get it
Because there was no Middle East when I was young
Listening to Half Breed and then
Glenn Miller and Herb Alpert
There were Indians and cowboys and Mexicans
And our Sears console stereo
Did not leak blood or smell of shit
And I would stuff a pillow in my pajamas
Pretending I was fat

Seduce a friend! Regret is a type of cheese!

Hot Lipids

human woman breast
landslide in Laguna Beach
a crib from Target

it all starts with milk
the ground literally shifts
to make room for life

we draw warmth closer
and rebuild on the faultline
this building is strong

Good friends have babies! Have a baby!

Sat. Fat

In my dream I was surrounded by concerned people
All of them faceless
White people
Without benefit of face
Yet concerned about me

The doctor in the group told his interns
About how I must be really depressed
And it was true
About thirteen expressions of concern
Each face a hair-framed Ganzfield
Every one of them focused on me

The dream is over now
Of course
And I have lived through the day
Knowing that all dreams bring with them
Some truth
And when I sleep tonight
I hope those thirteen faceless bastards
Bother someone else

Stare at an American Flag! The blue color is the absence of feathers!

Larry King

He fights for the strong
While destroying the world
Larry
Larry
He should have been buried
Buried alive
Larry
Larry
He eats human flesh
As part of a bizarre ritual
Larry
Larry
And he drinks his own urine
And that of others, too
Why won't he die?
Why wasn't he buried?
Buried alive!

Television is the cure. Disease is the disease!

Methicillin-Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus

The first-line oral agents let me down
Didn't they?
Now I'm just another 21st-century
Pus-draining neo-leper
Haiku Pus-Draining Neo-Leper
skin becomes a myth
when component parts dissolve
nature liquifies

I tried to scratch off my nipples as a child! Still got 'em!

Warning!

Today's nutrient utilizes a new technology to bring nutrients into your body. It is experimental and should only be read if you are willing to chance a possible meeting with the Manager.
Transmitter/Recipient (Sheraton Hotel Remix)
You cannot argue that the goverment wants to believe us
Because sometimes a trapdoor is tripped up
And dead government agents must be pulled quickly
To the relative safety of calmed water

Taking too much can make people hate you! Taking too little can leave people at the dance club!

Mercury (79 24' Flair by Fleetwood)

Live the dream
and bring your home with you
24 foot motorhome with strong 440
and less than 60k miles on engine
Death forces sale
First $2000 cash takes it

Why bother trying? Craigslist poetry rules the roost!

Darjeeling II

Drunk friend tells me to fuck off in an email
Which makes sense, since I never came through
On my promise to "have my brother's back"
I do not have my brother's back
Because these "brother's back" promises
Are extracted by tipsy surgeons
Initially hailed as successful and life-saving procedures
Of which they are neither

Do you have my back? Then let go.

Vanadium [Gut-Punch (R)emix]

I thought about you, baby
When I went to the stadium
You were sniffing glue
At the Hollywood Palladium
I went to the game
And you went to the show
And while you were busy huffing
I was scoring some blow
I cut a couple lines
On the top of the urinal
I could taste the baby powder
Nothing these days is pure and I'll
Bet you forty dollars
That you didn't get laid
Because the apron you were wearing
Said "Molly Maid"
A girl came in the bathroom
She had real long legs
She said if I made bacon
She would handle the eggs
I told her I had dough
And I would gladly make a fritter
She had the body of a goddess
And the face of John (R)itter
Then I thought about you grooving
With your face all full of sticky
Keistering the tube of Testors
Wasn't all that tricky
Then (R)itter lifted up her dress
And I saw the devil
It was like looking in a mirror
With edges that beveled
I ran and caught a taxi
Yes I got away clean
Until the taxi driver
Pulled out the Vaseline
That's when I pulled my nine
And I threatened his life
He said "I've got three kids
And a beautiful wife
I have cracked lips
Which explains the product petrolium"
I accepted his answer
So we went to the Bowlium
He rolled a perfect game
I rolled a 205
And every day I wake up
I'm just glad I'm alive

Most nutrients come in some sort of wrapper. Don't let a rapper come in you!

Helicopter Sauce

Truncate the last groomer
Placate the portent spewers
The spewers develop racist ideology
While waiting for gooey dough
Tax preparing software denied us the special attention
We sought
Homosexual dinosaurs copulated on cliff walls
Opaque paintings of the new currency

Up goes the pale flag! Try investing in Ruby Mining Company!

Herring Oil

Whenever you leave the house
I think about dipping some of your things
In herring oil
So you would come home
And the cats would be licking your dad's old lamp
Or maybe that Zuni fetish bear necklace I gave you
And the house would stink of fish
Then you would know how much I hate when you leave
And you would have learned your lesson
And do what I tell you from now on

You have a doctorate in dignity! Dr. D! Ph.D.D!

Mineral Spirits

Do you remember when rock died? (It actually dies about every four years)
The last death was Peter Townshend
Who didn't have the dignity to actually kill himself
And before that it was Stephen Stills
Who went to the same websites
And paid with an offshore account
And before that it was Pat Benatar
Did you know she ran a puppy mill?
Did you know about her NRA membership?
Do you remember when rock died?
When Elvis Costello got plastic surgery
And Stuart Goddard was introduced to Depakote
Yeah. That was when rock died
When all those things happened

Build a prayer mound. Now pray it's a perfect mound!

Problem Trait

Confidence and white gas
Couldn't keep the lost hiker alive
When the wind picked up and the clouds rolled in
He wrote his goodbye note in pencil
On the topographical map
He bought at the REI Co-op
In Claremont, California
His freeze-dried ice cream
With the astronaut graphic on the front
Was found the next Spring
And then given to his little brother
At the memorial

Use lemon juice to soak your razor blades. Sharp and tangy!

Lemon-Lime Soda

There is a lucky number
And the number is seven
There is a group of people
That wait to get to Heaven
There is a delicious soda
And it fizzes and it bubbles
There is a group of seven
And seven always doubles

Nuclear weapons are funny! Laughing is healthy!

Sassofras Variifolium

Seven pilgrims trudged forth on the fourth
They forced their way into the fort
And the three made love while the four gave birth

The Seven, now more, worked hand in hand
To nurture the pups and save the land
My father drunk
My sisters, tanned

And are you still reading, my loyal Seven?
Are your pups in school and your bread unleavened?
Did you know John Ritter had a son named Kevin?

Heads up! Seven up!

Pope Sauce (Creamy JPII Mix)

Yes. I know.
Visual Nutrients is at an all time low.
I fell into the trap of trying to please the Seven.
The seven people beside myself that read Visual Nutrients.
Along with that, I have almost nothing to offer.
I don't care if you have the proper nutrients to survive.
Do you want to know why the Pope died?
He didn't read Visual Nutrients.
Do you want to know why Terri Schiavo died?
She dried up like a funny white raisin!
Limerick Funny White Raisin
There once was a brain-dead bulemic
Whose existence became quite polemic
I got stuck with the couplet
Because I gave up-let
Burt Convey helped move crates of Z-Brick

You see! There's nothing left. Go away!

Calcium Hydroxide

I remember when you joined the Wilbees
You wore your tap-hat and ghost-shroud like a little princess
And you didn't wince at all during the scraping
You erupted into flames once the liquid was pressed out of you
You were like a burning bone beacon
And the Wilbees promised me a sepia-tone photo
Of what you looked like before you were born

Try hiding in your past! Your memories are your weakness!

Lactose (Bra Sample)

This woman at the picnic table
In the big catbox where they pulled out all the small plants
And chopped the trees to shit
So she says
I got this catalogue where they sell a bra made out of diamonds
And I ask her if she thinks of her breasts as decorative sex organs
And upon hearing this
She pulls out a jeweler's loop
And pulls off her sweater
And she says
Look for yourself

My fantasies are stupid! It's safer to keep them secret!

Chromium Hexavalent (CrVI) Compounds

I misread a caption in the newspaper this morning
What I read was this:
God answers all prayers and His answer is "No"
I thought I had stumbled upon some brilliant, yet embittered, theologian's epiphany that his lifelong search for meaning had been a waste of time
And then I thought about the crafty believers who would try to trick God
They would pray to remain poor or pray to not get laid tonight
Expecting the inverse to occur
Not realizing the deal would not work like that
At least not every time
Because every time one says "No"
It is not exactly what one means
No, I don't love you
No, I don't want another drink
No, I've never had sex with a chair

Try being proud of yourself for a change! You are asleep!

Aluminum

Twenty minutes into Antiques Roadshow
We realize it's a repeat
And that woman from Vermont
Got tricked into buying a vase
And she cries about what she spent
Because she thought it was something other
Than a very beautiful vase

Massage can be too enticing. Try oral first!

Arachnid Pheromones

eight-legged dancer
controlling men through her scent
such a good woman

Try a different religion. Your god is stupid!

Guarine Sauce (Palenque Tribal Recipe)

George W. Bush forwards an email to Robert Plant
The original sender, James Spader, will one day become an actor
Spader has written to President Bush asking for forgiveness
Bush assumes Spader is seeking a "dull needle" and forwards the email
Plant is outraged
Outraged

You try writing this shit. I feel empty.

Croton Oil

So there we were
All lined up like Nazi milktrucks leaving the dairy
Five kids being questioned
About a Popsicle stick left in the yard
It didn't just walk there on its own
Dad being clever

My brother Mark
Textbook example of the Adlerian middle-child
Stepped up and took the blame
And the rest of us were released
While Dad and Mark walked, purposefully
To the garage

Aerate your potting soil with shards of glass! Seed protection!

Bad Chianti

dark house
sleeping wife
cat's on the chair
bad chianti
in a very nice glass
no complaints from me

Aspartame is tumor dust! Use public transportation!

ce dangereux supplément

James Earl Jones drinks too much
And uses science to lure Festival Rats
To his little show
The juggling bear, Edward, has always loved
Lengthy Llama
And Kanga has a special gift
For Pesky Primate
And all the while
James measures out his nightcap
In a graduated beaker

Raise a glass for your health! Enjoy the show!

Palm Oil (California squeeze mix)

I love what you did with car commercial
When the girl gets splashed with platinum dust
She looks like a comet
So hot but made of ice
Like all the girls in California

You work too hard! You must be mature!

Warfarin Sodium

You never met the standards of a confectioner
What that means, exactly, is anybody's guess
But to flirt with having sweetness almost every single day
Can only cause a normal man duress
The birthday cake you made me was a poisoned one
(Actually the frosting, not the cake)
You must have spent a lot of time detesting me
And mandatory testing's a mistake

Guess who's in the VIP room? John (R)itter!

Forest Honey (natural vengeance)

I am Forest Honey and I don't appreciate
The killing of my friends
Or the numbers 6 and 8
I call upon the animals that live within the woods
To bite and take away from you
The ugly, bad, and goods

Quit being so hard on yourself! Try relaxation breathing!

Oat Bran

Bruce Willis uses a letter opener to seduce (P)esky Sales Associate
Mr. Willis fights his way to the ice cream through the hellish green jungles of Vietnam
Three of the new flavors are mixed with (h)eavy numbers
And Bruce needs to think about security
As he grows older
Because he has broken a lot of hearts
Through seduction
And just plain bad luck

You've broken your share of hearts. Heartbreaker.

Fluoxetine

War photographer finds Native Americans everywhere:
I think I'm looking through air, but I'm not. I'm looking through Native Americans.
Airline pilot puts American Indians in his travel bag:
They're handy to have around. I don't know what I'd do without American Indians.
Archaeologist keeps First Nation corpse-parts in a university basement:
I like to think that the First Nation watches me when I'm dressing. Ooh, I get goose-pimples!

There's a man in your bathroom! (P)illow-fight!

Forest Honey

You've got dried leaves stuck to your back
Raccoons ate the trail mix in your pack
Out here in the woods I'm gonna spend my money
A direct deposit to you, Forest Honey
You smelled of the city when you first arrived
Of the four that came, you're the one that survived
I never meant to hurt any one of the others
It's just that they looked so much like my mother
chorus:
Forest Honey tastes so sweet
Dark and sticky
Made by bees
Bees of the forest
Wilder than most
Forest Honey, great on toast
Forest Honey, I love you the best
You're the only one that passed my test
Like a proud country's flag, you're on top of the pole
You've got a city girl's body, but a Forest Honey soul
chorus

All things natural are completely safe! Consequence is natural!

Sodium Laureth Sulfate

early whaling ships
decks darkened with rendered fat
saturated black

Try mixing some lye into your Red Bull. You can be soap!

Yeast (1983 (R)emix)

Brad and Ned built a bed
On which their critter would sleep
Though Critter was rested
The bed got infested
With (r)emnants of (R)itter the creep

You used to collect action figures! How faggy!

Yeast

I watched you fall in love
and you grew up so fast after that
Brad filled you with drugs
and then
you took off with him
to Wyoming
where you both cared for his sick mother
who faked her sickness to control Brad's love for you
and then when you found out
you left him and got sober
and Brad started a blog
writing haiku about the Civil War
and for some reason he is immensely popular
his first post is the best:
Haiku North vs. South
musket prevention
soft potato for dinner
boll weevil sour cream
and the fact is that Brad writes each post
hoping that you catch on to the key words
like war

You are now free to remove the candle from up inside your ass! Ass is a key word!

Sesame Oil

you have grown a protective beard
kind of an atmosphere for your face and self
protecting you from a certain space
a space that does not have the decency to be empty
a space that has your fingerprints all over it
making you ashamed you were ever tempted to touch
but your beard deflects the comet-dust of shame
spraying it back at your new enemies as shrapnel
and your new enemies, confused, wish you the best

Time heals all wounds. So fucking untrue.

Rye Flour

the other night I thought about praying
and how I would have to put my hands together
and slide them them slowly into a zoo animal
named "Kanga"
and how Kanga would turn her cartoon head
and Kanga's eyes would turn milky white
like that chick from the Omega Man
when (H)eston thinks he's home free
when he thinks to himself
"I'm the last man and she's the last woman...ooh yeah"
and then she pops up from behind the couch
milky-eyed women always poppin' up and scaring
the last man

Your liberty was costly, but worth it. I think you're (H)eston!

Fennel Seeds (Hulled using reverse-nitrogen flushing)

Watching the car chase on channel 9 last night
Was totally relaxing
It reminded me of when I used to watch the aquarium downstairs
At the house in Massachusetts, when (f)amily happened
The neon tetras were the best
Until pleistophora hyphessobryconis
Tore through the tank
And as if pleistophora hyphessobryconis
Found its way into channel 9
The red and the blue stopped
As the chase ended

People in Boston have mob ties! Mob ties!

Calcium Citrate

Why did we move from Whimsy, California?
Was it the increasing number of deer ticks?
Was it the independent rock band that got lost in our mountains?
(Rumor has it, the remains were found but ignored)
Or were things just too damned simple in Whimsy?
Haiku Complicated Life
pills for depression
tax sheltered annuity
tipsy death marches

Limes have bones! Try milking yourself!

Magma

You push for Pitt
While trampling my art
You obscure your Jennifers
While defiling yourself
A declaration of war is in order
A war on your thoughts
Because you are a man who wears tights
And while disgusted
I am delighted

The comment section is about to be axed. Speak your mind!

Fructose

manslaughter filled the igloo
with terror wine
purchased from Zach's Lowdown Market
because at Zach's, the customer comes back

one would like to believe that a strong man
would reek of confidence
the kind of confidence on special this week at Zach's Lowdown Market
because at Zach's, the customer comes back

evidence from the lab had melted
and was refrozen into cubes
and served to the funny man
whose laughter warmed our hearts

this far up north
it behooves you to keep moving forward
unless you are going to Zach's Lowdown Market
because at Zach's, the customer comes back

Kids need vitamins. Give pills to children!

Sucrose

Affirmation kills the sports representative
Bloody and dead before he could utter the nine words
THE NINE WORDS THAT COULD SAVE HUMANKIND
Affirmation stands, stupid, with a potato ricer
The blind child of Affirmation, Little Chet, is effeminate
Posing sexily in the undergarments stolen from a mummified corpse
Dirty bandage over tiny man-stuff
Chet is a model for the future
Chet knows the NINE WORDS but will not reveal them to Affirmation

Sweet nothings really are nothing.