You push for Pitt
While trampling my art
You obscure your Jennifers
While defiling yourself
A declaration of war is in order
A war on your thoughts
Because you are a man who wears tights
And while disgusted
I am delighted
The comment section is about to be axed. Speak your mind!
The expert arrives promptly at 2 in the afternoon. His promptness seems to
ReplyDeleteherald his expertise. His respect for the clock is one facet of his overall professionalism--the agent said as much when he suggested Ice meet with this expert, whom Ice engages in an awkward, reciprocated appraisal. Each man regards the other with borderline disgust. Ice finds the expert to be groomed and prissy. The expert wears a yucky face that seems to be smelling something awful.
This expert is one of those ancillary Hollywood characters like a top-of-the-line plastic surgeon, personal trainer or Kabbalist (his trade fit cleanly at the intersection of these three) who tramples in and out of entertainment news programs, celebrity breakups and trials like a rogue elephant holding an advanced degree from a Mexican university.
"Day in and day out Mr. Pube, Nature defiles your private areas. This happens with every drop of sweat, every bowel movement, every sex act. You are not responsible for the fallout of these. Despite your best efforts and no matter how you scrub or wipe, you're never as clean as you'd like. What has autonomy over your most intimate places--you or something else?
"I understand, Mr. Pube, that you wish to get in shape for a role requiring full anal nudity. This will involve intense physical and mental preparation. Soon you will come to know attitude adjustments for your thoughts and actions. Tell me, do you exfoliate?"
Ice had tried it for about a week back in '01. He had been moved by Secretary of Stink Colon Bowel's keynote speech at a Black leadership conference on dermal health, but gave it up almost immediately.Ice found exfoliating highly unpleasant.
"No matter. But tell me, what type of antiperspirant do you use?"
Ice had used Gold Bond Anal Deodorant since his teens and found it perfectly adequate, although nobody else did.
"Mr. Pube, this is Jihad. We're launching an intifada on the filth, the hair, the dead skin, the detritus, the disease and all foul humors that make their home in your most intimate places.This is a declaration of war, and the prize is no less than full autonomy of your untarnished--nay, burnished--private areas. Now let's survey the battlefield."
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