Guarine Sauce (Palenque Tribal Recipe)

George W. Bush forwards an email to Robert Plant
The original sender, James Spader, will one day become an actor
Spader has written to President Bush asking for forgiveness
Bush assumes Spader is seeking a "dull needle" and forwards the email
Plant is outraged
Outraged

You try writing this shit. I feel empty.

Croton Oil

So there we were
All lined up like Nazi milktrucks leaving the dairy
Five kids being questioned
About a Popsicle stick left in the yard
It didn't just walk there on its own
Dad being clever

My brother Mark
Textbook example of the Adlerian middle-child
Stepped up and took the blame
And the rest of us were released
While Dad and Mark walked, purposefully
To the garage

Aerate your potting soil with shards of glass! Seed protection!

Bad Chianti

dark house
sleeping wife
cat's on the chair
bad chianti
in a very nice glass
no complaints from me

Aspartame is tumor dust! Use public transportation!

ce dangereux supplément

James Earl Jones drinks too much
And uses science to lure Festival Rats
To his little show
The juggling bear, Edward, has always loved
Lengthy Llama
And Kanga has a special gift
For Pesky Primate
And all the while
James measures out his nightcap
In a graduated beaker

Raise a glass for your health! Enjoy the show!

Palm Oil (California squeeze mix)

I love what you did with car commercial
When the girl gets splashed with platinum dust
She looks like a comet
So hot but made of ice
Like all the girls in California

You work too hard! You must be mature!

Warfarin Sodium

You never met the standards of a confectioner
What that means, exactly, is anybody's guess
But to flirt with having sweetness almost every single day
Can only cause a normal man duress
The birthday cake you made me was a poisoned one
(Actually the frosting, not the cake)
You must have spent a lot of time detesting me
And mandatory testing's a mistake

Guess who's in the VIP room? John (R)itter!

Forest Honey (natural vengeance)

I am Forest Honey and I don't appreciate
The killing of my friends
Or the numbers 6 and 8
I call upon the animals that live within the woods
To bite and take away from you
The ugly, bad, and goods

Quit being so hard on yourself! Try relaxation breathing!

Oat Bran

Bruce Willis uses a letter opener to seduce (P)esky Sales Associate
Mr. Willis fights his way to the ice cream through the hellish green jungles of Vietnam
Three of the new flavors are mixed with (h)eavy numbers
And Bruce needs to think about security
As he grows older
Because he has broken a lot of hearts
Through seduction
And just plain bad luck

You've broken your share of hearts. Heartbreaker.

Fluoxetine

War photographer finds Native Americans everywhere:
I think I'm looking through air, but I'm not. I'm looking through Native Americans.
Airline pilot puts American Indians in his travel bag:
They're handy to have around. I don't know what I'd do without American Indians.
Archaeologist keeps First Nation corpse-parts in a university basement:
I like to think that the First Nation watches me when I'm dressing. Ooh, I get goose-pimples!

There's a man in your bathroom! (P)illow-fight!

Forest Honey

You've got dried leaves stuck to your back
Raccoons ate the trail mix in your pack
Out here in the woods I'm gonna spend my money
A direct deposit to you, Forest Honey
You smelled of the city when you first arrived
Of the four that came, you're the one that survived
I never meant to hurt any one of the others
It's just that they looked so much like my mother
chorus:
Forest Honey tastes so sweet
Dark and sticky
Made by bees
Bees of the forest
Wilder than most
Forest Honey, great on toast
Forest Honey, I love you the best
You're the only one that passed my test
Like a proud country's flag, you're on top of the pole
You've got a city girl's body, but a Forest Honey soul
chorus

All things natural are completely safe! Consequence is natural!

Sodium Laureth Sulfate

early whaling ships
decks darkened with rendered fat
saturated black

Try mixing some lye into your Red Bull. You can be soap!

Yeast (1983 (R)emix)

Brad and Ned built a bed
On which their critter would sleep
Though Critter was rested
The bed got infested
With (r)emnants of (R)itter the creep

You used to collect action figures! How faggy!

Yeast

I watched you fall in love
and you grew up so fast after that
Brad filled you with drugs
and then
you took off with him
to Wyoming
where you both cared for his sick mother
who faked her sickness to control Brad's love for you
and then when you found out
you left him and got sober
and Brad started a blog
writing haiku about the Civil War
and for some reason he is immensely popular
his first post is the best:
Haiku North vs. South
musket prevention
soft potato for dinner
boll weevil sour cream
and the fact is that Brad writes each post
hoping that you catch on to the key words
like war

You are now free to remove the candle from up inside your ass! Ass is a key word!

Sesame Oil

you have grown a protective beard
kind of an atmosphere for your face and self
protecting you from a certain space
a space that does not have the decency to be empty
a space that has your fingerprints all over it
making you ashamed you were ever tempted to touch
but your beard deflects the comet-dust of shame
spraying it back at your new enemies as shrapnel
and your new enemies, confused, wish you the best

Time heals all wounds. So fucking untrue.

Rye Flour

the other night I thought about praying
and how I would have to put my hands together
and slide them them slowly into a zoo animal
named "Kanga"
and how Kanga would turn her cartoon head
and Kanga's eyes would turn milky white
like that chick from the Omega Man
when (H)eston thinks he's home free
when he thinks to himself
"I'm the last man and she's the last woman...ooh yeah"
and then she pops up from behind the couch
milky-eyed women always poppin' up and scaring
the last man

Your liberty was costly, but worth it. I think you're (H)eston!

Fennel Seeds (Hulled using reverse-nitrogen flushing)

Watching the car chase on channel 9 last night
Was totally relaxing
It reminded me of when I used to watch the aquarium downstairs
At the house in Massachusetts, when (f)amily happened
The neon tetras were the best
Until pleistophora hyphessobryconis
Tore through the tank
And as if pleistophora hyphessobryconis
Found its way into channel 9
The red and the blue stopped
As the chase ended

People in Boston have mob ties! Mob ties!

Calcium Citrate

Why did we move from Whimsy, California?
Was it the increasing number of deer ticks?
Was it the independent rock band that got lost in our mountains?
(Rumor has it, the remains were found but ignored)
Or were things just too damned simple in Whimsy?
Haiku Complicated Life
pills for depression
tax sheltered annuity
tipsy death marches

Limes have bones! Try milking yourself!

Magma

You push for Pitt
While trampling my art
You obscure your Jennifers
While defiling yourself
A declaration of war is in order
A war on your thoughts
Because you are a man who wears tights
And while disgusted
I am delighted

The comment section is about to be axed. Speak your mind!

Fructose

manslaughter filled the igloo
with terror wine
purchased from Zach's Lowdown Market
because at Zach's, the customer comes back

one would like to believe that a strong man
would reek of confidence
the kind of confidence on special this week at Zach's Lowdown Market
because at Zach's, the customer comes back

evidence from the lab had melted
and was refrozen into cubes
and served to the funny man
whose laughter warmed our hearts

this far up north
it behooves you to keep moving forward
unless you are going to Zach's Lowdown Market
because at Zach's, the customer comes back

Kids need vitamins. Give pills to children!

Sucrose

Affirmation kills the sports representative
Bloody and dead before he could utter the nine words
THE NINE WORDS THAT COULD SAVE HUMANKIND
Affirmation stands, stupid, with a potato ricer
The blind child of Affirmation, Little Chet, is effeminate
Posing sexily in the undergarments stolen from a mummified corpse
Dirty bandage over tiny man-stuff
Chet is a model for the future
Chet knows the NINE WORDS but will not reveal them to Affirmation

Sweet nothings really are nothing.

Puma Oil (Sexual Lubricant)

the ten-speed bike's handlebars pointed up proudly like the horns of an elk
aluminum handbrakes jutted and wired for action
a thin, uncomfortable wedge of a seat waited patiently for my stupid teenage ass
an underinflated front tire to match my self-esteem
I pulled hard on a Winston cigarette
and decided to take the Datsun

You can't (d)ry hump forever! Try screwing like normal people!

Swine Oil (no swine harmed/coaxed oil process)

So it's a tough call, basically
On whether to respond favorably to someone with a gracious nature
Or to dig a little deeper and find out they've ruined lives
And taken lives
Like, with a gun
And it makes me wonder what it is I'm really supposed to be doing
THERE ARE MISSION STATEMENTS
But they conflict
And each person I speak with
Conflicts
If it isn't with others (and most often, it's not)
It is with themselves
Because nobody wants to believe
That their actions really do make a difference
That being said
I miss talking about (R)itter
Those were the carefree days
When my (n)eck was sore
But now I have a hard time conjuring up Mr. Ritter
And I don't even think I'm angry at (h)im any longer

Thinking adds to the conflict! Try being useless!

Incipitos (Ted Nugent Volatility Theorem)

we have, in a box
an old Remington pistol
with two boxes of ammunition
otherwise known as bullets
or rounds, as it were
outside of the box--is us
in a neighborhood so dangerous
there is no question what we must do
it takes us days to build the dummy
Dummy stands thirteen feet tall
limbs made of old sheets
wrapped around pillows and trash
Dummy's body is actual flesh
from our heist at Albertson's
where that girl kept mouthing off
and throwing off our concentration
and we had no choice
but to carry her over
Dummy's head is from a comic strip
two-dimensional and black and white
except on Sundays

Nutrition begins with self-health! Every morning, say "I'm self-healthy!"

Incipitos (quad-level oxy-metric flavor)

Please check back for the real Incipitos!

Crystalinedioxymethamphetamine

It always felt good to rub a stone on your skin
It was always nice to have a person undress for you
It was almost always perfect when we felt each others' breath
But now we have to work
And we would become ill if we stayed up all night
And I have that thing with my heart
And I love you so much anyways
That your breath still feeds my lungs
That your skin radiates love
That we were always naked
And it is because we work

I really love my wife! I hope you have love in your life!

Mink Oil (processed using the harm reduction model)

Chief Namba brought out chicken eggs
And showed us how to crack them
Using our thoughts
The eggshells split perfectly in half
And the whites and the yolks
Defied gravity
Waiting for Chief Namba to teach us
Another fucking mind trick

Try exfoliating a car!

SAM-e

indifferent you
locking horns with antelope
your head seems so soft

incredible you
in therapy with an elk
were you always strong?

weak me on the ice
helpless on a flat river
fast water beneath

rescued by a moose
you control him by whistling
you, loved by a moose

you rule nature's beasts
but I am not natural
you and the moose kiss

my old jealous rage
the moose pinches your nipple
am I still writing?

Stop while you're ahead! Visual Nutrients ends today!

Dumpling Sauce (Toby McGuire)

I did not see your Spiderman film
Because I was drinking
My wife and I loved that Wonder Boys movie
Because I was drinking
But then I realized what a destructive role alcohol was playing in my life
And I gave up drinking
And because I gave up drinking
I finally understood what role you played in my life
You are not a spider
You are an aperitif
And I am drinking again

My promises mean nothing! Yes they do!

Pony Root

we were driving back from the Montclair Plaza
and my wife, out of nowhere, asks me if she can "take a peek"
I consider myself to be pretty open minded, mind you
but I think all the shoe shopping had put me in a bad mood

Let your wife do what she wants! Chinese shoes!

Dreamgirl (tincture)

the bathroom at camp
ejecting Dreamgirl's leavings
never wake me up

Dreamgirl is now mom
her teardrops are not like rain
she runs from my dad

her footprints are gone
meaning she walked upriver
Dreamgirl is a trout

the bathroom at home
where I wash away Dreamgirl
what a fucked-up night

Quit dreaming about your mother! Pop music is your new career!

Silica

an earthquake off Indonesia
sent beautiful ocean waves
across my neice's drawing
what she thought was Santa's sleigh
was really a fishing boat
with three men inside (not presents)
and these men would return home
with fish that, through no fault of their own,
had switched places with the men's families

Try using club soda when swallowing your pills! You take pills!

Myrrh (extract from ritually mummified corpses)

spice-scented bandage
an outdoor wrestling contest
gauze is the real cause
Jesus cheats again
using oxidized myrrh oil
makes him slippery
the audience cheers
sunlight makes a shiny Son
basking in glory

Nurses used to make their own bandages! Lubricate!

Clove Oil

Spending the holidays with my brother's children
My heartbeat is audible and irregular
Struggling to push memories through valves
Long since closed by scar tissue
But as the flow increases
I am surprised at how much blood gets through

A touch of clove oil in your eye feels refreshing! Stupid!

Pine Sap

pine sap mixed with blood
between the trunk and his hand
another christmas

a drip of bloodsap
accusatory finger
carbon-slush bootprint

panicked gravities
yank my ornaments earthward
meteor fragments

Testor's model cement is inflammable. Flame on!

Darjeeling (a call to arms)

Old wars make drunk friend even angrier than usual
My support, though offered, will never be enough
He asked me to help and I told him that the wars will not stop
The fighting will continue
And brothers will take bullets for one another
And that these brothers die meaningful deaths
Which is so much more empty than passing unnoticed

Alcohol is making you stupid! Have some tea instead!

Walnut Oil

John Ritter never told me he had a son (child)
Just another piece of "missed information" (boy)
Whether an intentional lie or simply an oversight,
I have messaged (A)sner regarding the potential for a new era
The world had breathed a sigh of relief when Ritter escaped
A collective gasp can now be heard (sound)
A gasp that escapes from the throats (noise)
The throats that exist in the hosts
The hosts that brush close to the (R)itter spawn
John Ritter never told me much about his life (past)
But he should have mentioned the kid (son)

Visual Nutrients is contrived! How is your (n)eck, boy?

Ash pt. II

Yes, my friends
The records have been destroyed
That Japanese Clash bootleg from 1979?
The whole Malmquist collection?
Gone.
Those Birthday Party 12-inches?
Gone.
So breathe in some ash
Like all the residents of Palmer Canyon
Whose material possessions were decimated
In the firestorms
And yes,
I know that garage-water and mold
Lack the romance of FIRESTORMS
But romance or not
The results speak volumes
Destruction can be Hollywood sexy
Destruction can be lap-dance wet-spot
But it can also be a soft punch to the ribs
Just enough pain to remind you
That the older you get
The longer the bruises stay around

You are irresponsible! Nutrition avoids the negligent!

Rapeweed

The sun moves around
Morning brings a new vision
My sister is upset

Keep up the good work! Lemongrass soothes freaks!

Ash

Out in the garage
I found our dog's old shock collar
The one that we never had the heart to use
And I noticed the wet concrete
On which sat my entire record collection
The wet cardboard boxes peeled easily away
Revealing the Who's Zoo bootleg
And the Cabaret Voltaire 12-inch
And the Ultra-man picture disc
Thousands of my prized albums, ruined
I put the shock collar around my neck and barked
I barked until the sun went down

Almost everything you do is forgettable! Have some tea!

Cabbage Root

I was asked by a man for thirty-three cents
I couldn't help but think of RPM
And the great days of vinyl records
I have a couple thousand sitting in my garage
I waved the guy off like he was nothing to me

I'd rather have women ask me for money! Women have pussies!

Milk Thistle

Cream that'll
Show 'em what you're made've
Had your shade-grown hyphen-laden terror-coffee?
Didn't think-so
Sew a Betsy-Taboo-Rasa
And I'll meet you at el casa
We can have a cold cerveza
I'll sing vocals
You'll play bass
A hanging man is not so funny
Milk, this'll keep prostate runny

In a double-blind study, there were no milk thistle recipients who burst into flames. While this isn't evidence of milk thistle's ability to ward off spontaneous combustion, we can theorize that there is some benefit to those recipients who seek to be more fire retardant. In the placebo group, however, all 96 subjects were found in neat little ash-piles. The Swiffer Wet Jet was superb at not only cleaning up the subjects, but leaving the lab floor with a "sit-on" sheen.

Wine-Filled Goose-Neck

gotta little baby with a wine-filled goose-neck
all the little duckies go heck, heck heck
no-one had the seventy or even the tens
plaster's got a crack and the larvae aren't men
Holy holy, the prayer brings me home
Holy, holy, Thanksgiving in Rome

Television is your downfall! You are the me of today!

Short Skirts (Bring me the booty remix)

You know what I like?
Do you think I like mulch?
Do you think I like to compost my kitchen and garden waste?
Or do you think I like realigning the hinges on the kitchen cabinets?
Well I've got something to tell you
Sometimes I like the things I mentioned
Sometimes it makes me feel good to fix a cabinet
Sometimes it feels good to do something with scraps and weeds
And sometimes egg
Sometimes egg and toast is good
Not the kind with blood and scab
Not the kind that cleans the crab
Do you think I like to mulch?

Science Fiction! "Non-Fiction!"

Vitamin D

It's very important that you wear magnets on your "non-use" genitals. It's equally important to remember who brought you into this world...your parents! Use your parents as a resource, unless they abandoned you. Then you're screwed. But really, not as screwed as those who were not abandoned. Let's face it. Birth is abandonment. The rest is just a stupid fucking game where people pretend that love is stronger than their petty needs and desires. Magnets have been scientifically proven to be worthless as health aids.

Genitals lead to loss. Cut your losses.

All Hallowed's Eve (Bridge Mix)

You went alone, but you saw the christian war movie
You cried when the dumb yet loyal guy got shot
By the Germans
The Germans shot him down
And they laughed and made Nazi comments, like:
What a stupid American patriot! How I love to kill stupids like him! I eat many bratwurst!
So it's true about the Germans
And I'm half German
So with me, it's half true

I love German food. I hate the nazis!

Recognition of Uniformity (Balast and Cable)

Oh you, the nutrient whores
How is it that you still seek
The pleasure of a peek
To maintain health in such a lazy fashion
Where is your passion?
You go not to the pharmacy
To buy the vitamins, including "C"
Oh, such busy bees
Propolis is not a Soviet word
Soviet word
Vodka nerd
Always using glasnost
To be heard
Soviet word
Arm the Kurds
Thanksgiving Turkey
Borders blurred
Got a little secret for you
It starts with one and it ends with two
You get to the end and you're stuck with boo
Russian rabbits know the Hoppity-Hoo!

Tinned fish never had thoughts. You never had thoughts.

Trader Joe's Vegetable Nests

I saw you run from historical pests
I watched you glisten when you got wets
The air was manipulated by engine jets
Franklin Bruno never had pets
That's why we like the Trader Joe's Vegetable Nests
Oh, that's why we even fucking exist
Yeah I'm glad that we fucking exist

Peter! I'm sorry if you think I've besmirched you! I would never besmirch you!

Gotta Pee but got New Shoes

Oh yeah, I'm at the computer
But I found quite a bargain today
At the Ontario Mills Mall
Yeah, I got me some new shoes
Gonna wear 'em at my new job
Yeah, you don't have a new job
'Cuz I'm better than you
After all I've learned about equality and fairness
I'm better than you
Because I know when to stop
With the scissors
Yeah, I'm better than you
Because I know what it means
When the bottom drops out
And I know how to deal
With the hideous shouts
You know I'm better than you
I've always been better than you
Until now

Christmas is just around the corner. Visual Nutrients remains viable. Believe nothing that Joel says!

Chicken Broth (scarce flu vaccine mix)

You received your vaccination
Because you are a bacon-wrapped night-zombie
Why do you wrap yourself in bacon?
Why are you frequenting public restrooms?
Are you seeking out young male prostitutes?
Or are you a lucky recipient?
(chorus)
Lucky recipient gets the taste
Of the sauce that keeps him safe
Lucky recipient takes the cake
But in "fluenza" he will baste
*Baste-cake sauce taste, oh yeah...

Got some elderly? Sauce 'em up!

Nutrients (Visual)

Not not not
This is a blog that's not not not
So don't even try to read read read
Because you will receive no nutritional benefit
What about that, you nutrient seeking bastards?
What about that?
The whole Optitowhatever was a big lie
Don't you feel fat and young?
Are you the fat kid?
FAT KID!!!

You are the fat kid! Extreme sports can be dangerous temptations to smart kids. Be careful out there, because prevention is the best medicine. Are you smart and fat? Yucka yucka!

Candy Corn (diabetic child mix)

Stupid fat kid
Your parents are dumber than you
But that makes no difference
Because you are a future diabetic
I can't wait to see your gangrenous foot
I can't wait to tell you what you shouldn't eat
And what you should
Stupid fat kid
Why're you so goddamned dumb
Fat as a fucking house
If there's a hell, your stupid-ass parents are going there
But you are too
Because genetic/familial lines are a valid but poor excuse
How can we ever move forward as a society
If we keep relying on valid yet poor excuses
I wish you weren't so goddamned fat
I wish you weren't so goddamned stupid
I wish your father would've pulled out or worn a condom
You stupid fat little shit

Fat kids will destroy America! The second amendment is meaningful!

Facial Hair (true story of found ethnicity)

I've decided to grow out my facial hair in order to gain understanding of peoples with hairier faces. My wife thinks it's a bad idea and has considered a ban on kissing and other face-related contact. I will not be deterred, however, even by threats of withheld affection! I know that this hair will open new windows of perspective for me. I long to be considered one of the hairy-faced people. I look forward to the receipt of a knowing look from a fellow hfp.

Did I mention that Visual Nutrients is dead? Can you see my facial hair?

Crippled Rat (true story)

I don't know why the rat was in the ambulance bay, but it was. I even know less why (grammar?) an ambulance was able to run over its two back legs (as if it had three). So this poor daughter of a rat was apparently crawling back and forth for at least an hour, pulling itself around with its front legs (two. not broken.) Nurses were trying to call animal control and the ortho techs were joking about splinting the rat. I was trying to work, but the commotion of the rat was building to a point of serious distraction. It was when the nurses were considering calling the police that I grabbed a paper bag, padded it with paper towels, and went out and put the poor rat into the bag between the paper towels. I walked the bag over to my old Volvo wagon and placed the bag behind the rear wheel. I got into the driver's seat and said "I'm sorry, rat. Bless you and yours." I then backed over the bagged rat. I then rolled forward over the bagged rat. I once again backed over the rat, then again pulled forward. The bag was flat and the paper towels controlled most of the seepage. I threw the bag away and went back to work. I work with savaged people every day, but today I am seriously upset about having to put down that goddamned crippled rat.

People are good! Pray to rats!

Borage Seed Oil (Countdown to Extinction Club Mix)

You're wound up like a top
The top of that wound is round
How soon now until the special sound?
Where is the mop?
You hold your stress in your bones
I stole your dress with the mold
The one in the cellar that you would have sold
When will we hear the special tones?
The pills seem to help with your mood
Ontario Mills has a special on shoes
I prefer jazz to the blues
Your cochlea's made out of wood

Visual Nutrients is finally over. There will be no more entries. Go away.

Compound Bow

wife says she's real tired
"you go out to get the wine"
hop in the Volvo

the new Interpol
finally some good music
Fall night rock session

driving and feeling
I love these dangerous streets
gentrification

Nancy down the way
what on earth is she holding?
holy fucking shit!

Monday Pomona
she pulled back the compound bow
nice shot for a chick

guy went down like that
slapping at the arrow's point
he was so hurting

what had this guy done?
to deserve to be skewered?
in my neighborhood!

it was really true
Stater Bros for more wine
[explanation: "Bros" is pronounced "Brothers"]
she shot the fucker

he called out for help
he was all of, say, sixteen
he spit up some blood

I just wanted wine
not to be a goddamn witness
I just kept driving

back home with the wine
red and blue phosphorescence
beams through my windows

I feel bad for her
she really meant what she did
arrow in boyfriend

police ask questions
what happened? we saw nothing!
I love Pomona

The Visual Nutrients blog is finished. Go away!

Paper

quit reading right now
lou reed decaf container
wearing sunglasses

no more nutrients
(R)itter and (A)sner are gone
your neck is better

electronic paper
mediums gone to the highs
eat your computer

dishes stacking up
dogs gone fucking ballistic
pay with check by phone

mother in law-yer
oral sex with Bill Moyer,
Bill Gates and Tom Sawyer

redacting gone bad
blacklisting my zombie dad
blood orange grafting

Paper is not a nutrient! Purchase oral nutrients for optimal health!

Camphor (Tapatio con Julep)

My back is really sore from moving my mother-in-law
My mother must have been sore after having me
I'm sore at my mother for being half of me
My mother's lawyer plays tricks on her
Leaving Hallmark cards outside her bedroom window
With cartoon carrots saying, "Luv ya a bunch"

Grab the world by the horns. The world has horns!

Empty Calories

I think this blog has run its course
I think about my friends' divorce
I think I will not ride the horse
You play the Greeks, I'll play the Norse
We'll meet again on distant shores

I'm out of ideas! I'm sweating!

Bacillus Cereus (Uncle Max Tribal Mix)

We had no idea that the Billy Joel thing would get so out of hand. The Tendril Sisters brought out the big guns and restored a whole houseload of appliances. I talked with my wife about my fascination with Ed Asner and she was unable to grasp how (A)sner had changed my life and Billy Joel's life for the better. She told me that I didn't know Billy Joel and that the way I sing his songs is kind of scary. I listened to two of her mother's old 78s and wait...

I really have nothing to say. Fuck you!

Crenshaw

people in the hood
got hardships and all that shit
but my pain means more
at least to me
do they think about me?
all I ever think about is me
albeit briefly

Your journey is meaningless! You are meaningless!

Tin

The home pregnancy test shows a blue minus sign, meaning she will have a child with a negative attitude. She'll name the child after a comet, but won't really know that she named the child after a comet. She'll just remember that she liked the name and saw it in the paper or heard it on television.

Use gasoline as an astringent! Promises are fads!

Iron

Tonight I worked with the doctor who's also a poet and he wanted to know what I thought of Noam Chomsky.
I said that I thought he was probably pretty lonely.
Then the doctor who's also a (p)ublished (p)oet said that of all the things I could have said about Noam Chomsky that he had just never thought of him as someone who would be lonely.
I asked my friend the doctor whose (N)ew (B)ook of (P)ublished (P)oetry just came out whether he thought that poets and linguists could ever really get along and he said he supposed not.

Noam's pain is nothing special! Yours never was!

ffp

I long for a good short story
I stored a good long shoreman
Some stove spilt goo on Lance Sherman
Stemmed spores long for lamb shanks to mend
Oh to mend/oh to mend/ode to men
I have quality time
And it's no crime to rhyme about
Sailors and saints and the Poles with their paints
From their rituals
There is a freedom to riding without a helmet
To hell with it
Oh now, to hell with it

The dance lessons didn't take. All you ever say is "envelope".

Ginger

I cross bug spray off my list
After I find the "Stater-Saver" brand
One dollar ninety-nine compared to almost four for the Raid
My main concern is that the cheap spray may not kill as quickly as the Raid might
Thus prolonging any agony that the bugs experience on their journey to death
Am I a better man for allowing them more time?
More time to feel the harsh neurotoxins seep through shiny-black bug skin
Does it feel like being burned? Electrocuted? Suffocated?
I end up buying the Raid, knowing that the better man kills bugs quickly and efficiently
Because that is what he, himself, would want
When the spray comes down from above

Have yourself a good cry. Your life is sad!

Thiamin (a rebel song)

I am (M)ango-green with envy
That your father trusted you with a gun
And took you hunting (R)ustic-brown animals
That tumbled down slow like a Peckinpah dream
With Dustin Hoffman by your side
You always got the better ride
(F)antastic rebel! Choose your devil!
Pills have r(u)led your dopamine
Levels skewed your middle bubbles
Reduce this town to rubble
Let's reduce this on the double!

Tepid water is fear. Dad killed the deer.

Althea (Marshmallow) Root

In the village of Ralegaon Siddhi, native alpacas known as "domestic partners" are allowed access to all places that humans can go. One of these domestic partners often leaves refurbished IBM Selectric typewriters in the village museum, earning him the name "Timmy." I have written a poem for Timmy for reasons I cannot discuss yet.
Poem for Timmy
The patina on the brass plate was dark like a chow's tongue
In a chow's mouth without light
But whose eye can see dark patina in a lightless chow's mouth?
The eye of Timmy the alpaca can see through chow cheeks
Because alpacas have quantum-foveated retinas
Allowing for the seeing of the aforementioned dark patina
Timmy called for the birth of a new god
Timmy read the words on the brass plate:
---be with it that this new god be named Mr. Lucky---

Go hiking someplace locally! You'll be surprised that nature has not abandoned you!

Borage Seed Oil (Town Without Pity Remix)

Who would wrap their child in foil?
Rice hulls aerate stubborn soil
A watched pot has no will to boil
You stained the valence with borage seed oil
Child in foil
Stubborn soil
Will to boil
Borage seed oil!
You left this town a total wreck
Redwood makes a stunning deck
I hear you used to hang with Beck
As I suspected, (R)itter-Neck
Total wreck
Stunning deck
Hang with Beck
(R)itter-Neck!
I watched you tear your life to shreds
The cure for cluttered lawns is sheds
Sour dough sows sour breads
The name of this band is the Talking Heads!
Life to shreds
Lawns is sheds
Sour breads
Talking Heads!

Time heals all wounds! Unless infection runs rampant!

Propolis (Derived from Genus Vespula Carne)

Ron (H)oward pulls out his throwdown, knowing he can't use his duty piece to waste the useless perp standing in front of him. Borrowed time. That's all any of us have, really. On top of that, it's a bad loan...one that none of us can ever repay.

Let's not go there, please.

Pantonious Hydrochloride (filler)

Language makes us weak and stupid
When other animals want to fuck
They just bite each other and go for broke
People ruin everything with language
Except books
Books would suck without language
Maybe books about fucking without language would be okay
But what would the reviews be like?

Quit thinking about your parents! Is that a bruise?

Pantothenic Acid

wait for UPS
men in brown on power trips
handling your package

smell-test for chicken
bacterial entropy
use or freeze by date

candlelight dinner
a farm bird dressed in tight shorts
does a sexy dance

without choice, I join
strong wine clouding my judgment
soft lips meet hard beak

the bird demands cash
or the photos hit the web
last night meant nothing?

Make your marinade more tangy by using household ammonia! Very base!

Dong Quai

"Some things rot from the outside in."
It's just a pimple. A simple pimple.
"No. I'm fairly certain I am rotting. Just look."
It's just stress. And you drink too many Diet C***s.
"Why the *s?"
I don't want it to seem like Visual Nutrients is critiquing any particular brand name items.
"So if I said Diet P****s instead of Diet C***s, you would still put the *s?"
Let's face it. Diet P**** sucks, plain and simple.
"But everyone knows what you're really saying, so why not just come out with it?"
Do you remember your dream about John Kerry?
"Yes."
How he told you that he would lose the debates with George Bush because the American people weren't ready for the truth?
"It was my dream. Of course I remember it."
It's the same thing here. We know what's being said, but can't admit to really saying it.
"So what does it mean when I say I'm rotting from the outside in?"
Try saying it again.
"I'm r*****g from the outside in."

Keep your insides clean by drinking plenty of w***r. E** p***** *f s****! C***!

Acetic Acid 5%

Beneath her sweater he was certain he felt a lump
The angora sensualized what he knew to be a potential malignancy
Nancy pushed him aside and stated the obvious
"You! The King! How could you?"
He reached again for furry rabbit wool covering soon-dead cancer-flesh
"I demand a different outcome! You are the King and I am diseased, am I not?"
He thought of the Easter song about Eggbert the lonely egg
He imagined himself covered in mites and that the mites turned into rabbits
He made wishes that were almost prayers and he knew he could do nothing to help her

Trader Joes sells multivitamins. Cheap butter, too.

Vanadium

Cheryl bought an excessive amount of halloween candy
"Everyone has kids and they have kids that want some candy"
She sets down the bowl of Almond Joys and moves toward the bowl of Smarties
"The neighborhood kids will need plenty of sweets to complete their halloween experience"
It's about ten p.m. on an August night and she's putting out the candy again
"God I love this holiday"

Try having sex with your thumb! Keep reading; it's healthy!

Molten Lead

Shy Producer makes Slimfast smoothies
With a Waring blender from (g)od-knows-when
And there's this burnt electrical smell
Like ozone and old plastic
And he misses his friends who have moved away or died
Their appliances were in similar disrepair
With the ability to awaken the senses
To all the odd and great combinations

When watching the moon for activity, take frequent breaks. Developmental lag!

Docosahexaenoic Acid (DHA)

She asked me my sign and I stupidly said "Pisces" which is true but I now realize that anyone asking that question is attempting a "brain-jump" in that they seize on your pre-answer and send a mental note out to the (C)ollectors. Later on that night my greatest fears were verified in the way the moon was only casting "half-shadows" as if afraid of fully reflecting earth's now-contaminated light. Why is it that the moon (Mr. Moon) is so clued-in while other gravity slaves are veritable idiots?

Wrap onion skins in cheesecloth. Now what?

Wakame

...and while you're at it, why don't you do a little dance?

Fantasies are unhealthy! You're the dancer!

Sorbitan Monostearate

My pals gave me a special cup
Into which I poured a very old can of malt liquor
With some name like "Konsky's Shelf"
And as I downed the sour-bitter Konsky
I thought about how my pals had sold me out
My pals who ratted me out to my ex
My good buds that ended up with more of a taste than I ever got
And with that, the stale uber-beer was suddenly
A damn fine drink, if I must say

Use a touch of tea-tree oil during foreplay. Refreshing!

Gerovital (GH3)

when you were younger
with one line about nature
gun-barrel phallus

last year at this time
middle nature line insert
cold steel tube, oh yeah

now with you older
we have natural middle
you are in my sights

Take a self-defense class! Because you're weak!

Diacetyl

The New York Life salesman is alert
He readies his laminated pullout
Knowing that the younger agents use PowerPoint
To candy-coat death and turn it into a product
But he has been doing this a long time
Through two marriages and two divorces
And four children who are, genetically, clearly his
They share his fat, stupid face and his shit-brown eyes
He sends birthday cards bulging with $100 bills
Hoping that his children will notice that the bills are in series
That he took the time to go into the bank
And insist the teller open a fresh bundle
The young couple enter his office and he begins his pitch
For a product that everyone understands eventually

Peel the labels off of all your canned food! Mystery is lively!

Ethanol

Looking good and dressing well were the two things that Jessie could do right. When it came to small talk and playful banter, he would always sour the mood by using unnecessary verbs.

~

Haiku Verb

to do the jog walk

run. stop. run. spit. finish. last.

verbs live in grade school

~

Jessie never fell for fads, like friendship bracelets and bandsaw challenge. His head, like the motor of his heart, was all about following OSHA guidelines.

~

Try ingesting ethanol with a group of friends! Finish last!

Comfrey Root

So I called Kathy after she quit
Turns out she's a widow now
God she knows how to wrap herself in that cloth
Her broken face is now in shadow
As she mourns what she's been mourning all along
But now it has a name
And a family to resent her and lash out
Against what we all become
Sycophants with broken noses
And jobs we hate
And children that won't talk to us

I will miss the licorice. Put the razor down.

Banaba Leaf Extract

Yes, we have no banabas!
We have no banabas, today!

Visual Nutrients gets worse every day! Quit reading it!

Myrrh (Commiphora Myrrha)

Almost every self-help book discusses the push/pull relationship of...well, relationships. What none of the self-help books address with any detail is the little matter of wheat meat. Wheat Meat beats cold sleet and the (D)ry teat. Wheat Meat treats Pete like the pellets treat the skeet. One fleet of red beet can't unseat Wheat Meat, even when Pete's feet do a "three-peat" to the do-wop beat of Wheat Meat.

Write down three things you like about yourself! Instead of ink, use your own blood!

Valine

So the gardeners for the people across the street start unloading the mower and edger from a pickup truck. Loud squeals and groans are coming from somewhere inside the cab of the pickup and I see what looks like a small donkey bounding from passenger's to driver's seat. At first I thought maybe I had seen it wrong. Maybe it was a developmentally delayed child throwing a major spaz, hoping to distract his brothers from their work. I walked out my front door onto the porch to get a better look through the windows of the truck. Sure enough, a small donkey was jumping from seat to seat and screaming its fucking small donkey head off. The brothers (I'm sure they were brothers because they looked very much alike) ignored their donkey and started mowing and edging. I ran back into the house and to the kitchen to get a carrot, thinking that the donkey might be hungry. When I got back to the porch, I saw the larger of the two brothers reaching in through the opening of the passenger-side window. His hand was on the donkey's ear and he was yelling something in Spanish. He began twisting the ear. The shrieks from the animal, twice as loud as before, were angry and mournful at the same time. To be continued...

Yardwork is both healthy and relaxing! Your nose is misshapen!

"Normal" Saline Solution

You are part of the normal saline problem
You are a big part of the trouble we've been having up here
Reticent (D)aughter was indicted along with your brother
Your GOODFORNOTHING brother
Reticent (D)aughter saved the spent pulltabs from the bingo hall
Thinking that she could build a man out of the colored paper strips
He would be beautiful, like a rainbow mummy

Try reading the competition's literature! Ideas are money!

Riboflavin (derived from one cup of blueberries)

Tonight I will stand alone in a cemetery and eat an Almond Joy. I will toss the thin plastic wrapper to the ground and I will ask the moon a question:
Why so sad, Mr. Moon?
Mr. Moon will answer, "Why so careless, you littering fuckbug?"

Old thermometers contain mercury. Break one open and play with the silvery liquid!

YaM

You are more yam than I!
You are the moon; the sky!
Lies!

You lie!

Hydrocarbon Extraction Solvent

This is a situation in which the primary flatfoot would have the option of continuing the smoothing of the spotter against the spotter's will. The issue of social status is moot at this point (legally speaking) if the man with convictions believes that the spotter is a verified roughian. The flatfoot's job is to provide smoothing, even when the smoothing is invasive.

Emotions are portable. You can leave them at the restaurant!

Gamma-oryzanol

She tries to comfort me, saying "It's just a dream. You're okay. We're all safe. Go back to sleep."
And I think to myself, "How fucking cliche! Tormented by personal demons in my sleep! How original. Maybe I should write an absurd poem about it!"
Again, I think to myself (who else does one think to?), "Perhaps these experiences are brought on by my profound uniqueness...yes, of course!"
So she says to me, "What are we going to do? You're thrashing around every night like you're fighting for your life."
I tell her that it's just the stress of trying to get a new job. I tell her that once things settle down and we get into a routine that all will be set straight.
The truth, however, is that these nocturnal battles are not a fight for my life. I am battling for all life. Not only am I battling for all life, I am battling for the principles that give meaning to all life. These fights could be broadcast on digital cable for a fee of $29.95 and people would get to see a battle where eye-gouging is allowed. But the eyes gouged are mine. People would get to see me lose this battle, again and again. Richard Butler was onto something when he said that she said
"This is it. That's the end of the joke."

You are special and unique! You are asleep!

Docosahexaenoic Acid

She talked about seeing an old "Saturday Night Live"
And remembering when she used to buy pot by the "lid" for ten dollars
She then says she is just kidding
But I know she's not kidding
She was one of those teens that dated guys who looked like either Jesus or members of Lynyrd Skynyrd
She remembers the dizzy nights on Tony's waterbed
Back when kissing was still fun
And rugburn scars were badges of honor

You're not boring! Yes you are!

Phylloquinone

Lank fortitude, Hitler-tar!
Staple money to rose-colored Mama Casses
And reply to the man-ant chooser!
I still recall Matt Damon buying Russian whores
To use as extras in the box-office failure "Smut Bus 2, the Glistening"
I still remember Hydrox as the better alternative
And I still remember Space Food Sticks
So you've got nothing on me
And even less on my friends

Make a paste out of your expired medications and use it as wall joint compound!

Pantetheine

Custard-Woman sighs
Another of (N)ature's lies
Pound for pound for pies

Desperation is thirst! Shut down!

2-Aminoethane Sulfonic Acid

It was June and we were all at June Lake when John Ritter played his little game on me and my family. The trout had come from Gull Lake, and I could tell by the desperate gill movements that I, too, had something in my neck. When a man cleans a fish, he has to get all Bly and just go for it. When a teenage boy cleans a fish under the curse of (R)itter, he ends up with Ritter Neck. Even now I feel (H)is playful tugs when I try to sleep. I go to meetings and community events seemingly of my own will, but I know I am being led by this thing in my (n)eck. Four years after I.C. (initial contamination), I believed I had found the strength to fight John Ritter in a man named Ed Asner. Asner did what he could to help me through his billboard messages but Ritter would purposely scramble the words in order to control the tiny moments. Ritter is the cataract. Asner was weak, like me.

Stretch every morning...even your (n)eck!

Gum Arabic

Gum Arabic bought snacks from Samy's Market
Hostess Donettes; crumb
Expiration date: 07/11/04
Gum Arabic was happy to be in California
Gum Arabic's donuts were still good
In New York Gum Arabic's little donuts
Would be past expiration
In California there is extra time
Not much, but some

Don't buy off-brand tape. Spend the extra and get Scotch Tape.

Papain

Foot-Mother strengthens
Abdominal waste-container
Only finding half-shelves
Barely deep enough to hold
Just one medium papaya
All of his outings were tricks
Hot chocolate the false prize
Foot-Mother strengthens
What historical bonds existed
Usually oxidized by now
Still strong because of enzymes

Keep thinking about your father! Either that or try stopping!

Caffeine

halogen desk lamp
paint thinner hitting the bulb
now I am on fire

mineral spirits
wearing hot orange berets
do the jitterbug

Try using small carpet tacks instead of toothpicks. Metal rules!

Octacosanol

The Corian countertops add value to the home
Granite needs a sealant to resist premature aging
Caused by fluids soaking into the stone
Stone is alive, you know
It breathes in, but not out
Which is what living is like
Always taking more and more in
Weakening the stone with fluids
That have nowhere to go

Use the drops sparingly and do not blink. Plank!

Potassium Nitrate (Saltpeter)

Neighborhood dogs are subjected to fireworks
Their sensitive eardrums repeatedly send
Horrible messages to the brain
(A)sner is the brain
Ritter is the message

Massage your friends, but keep it playful!

Agrimony

John Ritter's divorce papers somehow ended up in my mailbox
He broke that woman's heart, according to the reasons given for dissolution
What a cruel trickster!
He once bridged the very real gap between father and son
Note that in Orlando, the believers have turned (i)t over to Nascar
Note that in Orlando, the Eucharist is more of a ginger-snap
Note that in every broken heart there is a gravity like no other
With a pull that forces all nearby bodies into an orbit
Satellites circling nothing

Things will not get better! Stay healthy!

Animal

What is it?
What does it look like?
Is it a bir?

Animal.