Rapeweed

The sun moves around
Morning brings a new vision
My sister is upset

Keep up the good work! Lemongrass soothes freaks!

Ash

Out in the garage
I found our dog's old shock collar
The one that we never had the heart to use
And I noticed the wet concrete
On which sat my entire record collection
The wet cardboard boxes peeled easily away
Revealing the Who's Zoo bootleg
And the Cabaret Voltaire 12-inch
And the Ultra-man picture disc
Thousands of my prized albums, ruined
I put the shock collar around my neck and barked
I barked until the sun went down

Almost everything you do is forgettable! Have some tea!

Cabbage Root

I was asked by a man for thirty-three cents
I couldn't help but think of RPM
And the great days of vinyl records
I have a couple thousand sitting in my garage
I waved the guy off like he was nothing to me

I'd rather have women ask me for money! Women have pussies!

Milk Thistle

Cream that'll
Show 'em what you're made've
Had your shade-grown hyphen-laden terror-coffee?
Didn't think-so
Sew a Betsy-Taboo-Rasa
And I'll meet you at el casa
We can have a cold cerveza
I'll sing vocals
You'll play bass
A hanging man is not so funny
Milk, this'll keep prostate runny

In a double-blind study, there were no milk thistle recipients who burst into flames. While this isn't evidence of milk thistle's ability to ward off spontaneous combustion, we can theorize that there is some benefit to those recipients who seek to be more fire retardant. In the placebo group, however, all 96 subjects were found in neat little ash-piles. The Swiffer Wet Jet was superb at not only cleaning up the subjects, but leaving the lab floor with a "sit-on" sheen.

Wine-Filled Goose-Neck

gotta little baby with a wine-filled goose-neck
all the little duckies go heck, heck heck
no-one had the seventy or even the tens
plaster's got a crack and the larvae aren't men
Holy holy, the prayer brings me home
Holy, holy, Thanksgiving in Rome

Television is your downfall! You are the me of today!

Short Skirts (Bring me the booty remix)

You know what I like?
Do you think I like mulch?
Do you think I like to compost my kitchen and garden waste?
Or do you think I like realigning the hinges on the kitchen cabinets?
Well I've got something to tell you
Sometimes I like the things I mentioned
Sometimes it makes me feel good to fix a cabinet
Sometimes it feels good to do something with scraps and weeds
And sometimes egg
Sometimes egg and toast is good
Not the kind with blood and scab
Not the kind that cleans the crab
Do you think I like to mulch?

Science Fiction! "Non-Fiction!"

Vitamin D

It's very important that you wear magnets on your "non-use" genitals. It's equally important to remember who brought you into this world...your parents! Use your parents as a resource, unless they abandoned you. Then you're screwed. But really, not as screwed as those who were not abandoned. Let's face it. Birth is abandonment. The rest is just a stupid fucking game where people pretend that love is stronger than their petty needs and desires. Magnets have been scientifically proven to be worthless as health aids.

Genitals lead to loss. Cut your losses.

All Hallowed's Eve (Bridge Mix)

You went alone, but you saw the christian war movie
You cried when the dumb yet loyal guy got shot
By the Germans
The Germans shot him down
And they laughed and made Nazi comments, like:
What a stupid American patriot! How I love to kill stupids like him! I eat many bratwurst!
So it's true about the Germans
And I'm half German
So with me, it's half true

I love German food. I hate the nazis!

Recognition of Uniformity (Balast and Cable)

Oh you, the nutrient whores
How is it that you still seek
The pleasure of a peek
To maintain health in such a lazy fashion
Where is your passion?
You go not to the pharmacy
To buy the vitamins, including "C"
Oh, such busy bees
Propolis is not a Soviet word
Soviet word
Vodka nerd
Always using glasnost
To be heard
Soviet word
Arm the Kurds
Thanksgiving Turkey
Borders blurred
Got a little secret for you
It starts with one and it ends with two
You get to the end and you're stuck with boo
Russian rabbits know the Hoppity-Hoo!

Tinned fish never had thoughts. You never had thoughts.

Trader Joe's Vegetable Nests

I saw you run from historical pests
I watched you glisten when you got wets
The air was manipulated by engine jets
Franklin Bruno never had pets
That's why we like the Trader Joe's Vegetable Nests
Oh, that's why we even fucking exist
Yeah I'm glad that we fucking exist

Peter! I'm sorry if you think I've besmirched you! I would never besmirch you!

Gotta Pee but got New Shoes

Oh yeah, I'm at the computer
But I found quite a bargain today
At the Ontario Mills Mall
Yeah, I got me some new shoes
Gonna wear 'em at my new job
Yeah, you don't have a new job
'Cuz I'm better than you
After all I've learned about equality and fairness
I'm better than you
Because I know when to stop
With the scissors
Yeah, I'm better than you
Because I know what it means
When the bottom drops out
And I know how to deal
With the hideous shouts
You know I'm better than you
I've always been better than you
Until now

Christmas is just around the corner. Visual Nutrients remains viable. Believe nothing that Joel says!

Chicken Broth (scarce flu vaccine mix)

You received your vaccination
Because you are a bacon-wrapped night-zombie
Why do you wrap yourself in bacon?
Why are you frequenting public restrooms?
Are you seeking out young male prostitutes?
Or are you a lucky recipient?
(chorus)
Lucky recipient gets the taste
Of the sauce that keeps him safe
Lucky recipient takes the cake
But in "fluenza" he will baste
*Baste-cake sauce taste, oh yeah...

Got some elderly? Sauce 'em up!

Nutrients (Visual)

Not not not
This is a blog that's not not not
So don't even try to read read read
Because you will receive no nutritional benefit
What about that, you nutrient seeking bastards?
What about that?
The whole Optitowhatever was a big lie
Don't you feel fat and young?
Are you the fat kid?
FAT KID!!!

You are the fat kid! Extreme sports can be dangerous temptations to smart kids. Be careful out there, because prevention is the best medicine. Are you smart and fat? Yucka yucka!

Candy Corn (diabetic child mix)

Stupid fat kid
Your parents are dumber than you
But that makes no difference
Because you are a future diabetic
I can't wait to see your gangrenous foot
I can't wait to tell you what you shouldn't eat
And what you should
Stupid fat kid
Why're you so goddamned dumb
Fat as a fucking house
If there's a hell, your stupid-ass parents are going there
But you are too
Because genetic/familial lines are a valid but poor excuse
How can we ever move forward as a society
If we keep relying on valid yet poor excuses
I wish you weren't so goddamned fat
I wish you weren't so goddamned stupid
I wish your father would've pulled out or worn a condom
You stupid fat little shit

Fat kids will destroy America! The second amendment is meaningful!

Facial Hair (true story of found ethnicity)

I've decided to grow out my facial hair in order to gain understanding of peoples with hairier faces. My wife thinks it's a bad idea and has considered a ban on kissing and other face-related contact. I will not be deterred, however, even by threats of withheld affection! I know that this hair will open new windows of perspective for me. I long to be considered one of the hairy-faced people. I look forward to the receipt of a knowing look from a fellow hfp.

Did I mention that Visual Nutrients is dead? Can you see my facial hair?

Crippled Rat (true story)

I don't know why the rat was in the ambulance bay, but it was. I even know less why (grammar?) an ambulance was able to run over its two back legs (as if it had three). So this poor daughter of a rat was apparently crawling back and forth for at least an hour, pulling itself around with its front legs (two. not broken.) Nurses were trying to call animal control and the ortho techs were joking about splinting the rat. I was trying to work, but the commotion of the rat was building to a point of serious distraction. It was when the nurses were considering calling the police that I grabbed a paper bag, padded it with paper towels, and went out and put the poor rat into the bag between the paper towels. I walked the bag over to my old Volvo wagon and placed the bag behind the rear wheel. I got into the driver's seat and said "I'm sorry, rat. Bless you and yours." I then backed over the bagged rat. I then rolled forward over the bagged rat. I once again backed over the rat, then again pulled forward. The bag was flat and the paper towels controlled most of the seepage. I threw the bag away and went back to work. I work with savaged people every day, but today I am seriously upset about having to put down that goddamned crippled rat.

People are good! Pray to rats!

Borage Seed Oil (Countdown to Extinction Club Mix)

You're wound up like a top
The top of that wound is round
How soon now until the special sound?
Where is the mop?
You hold your stress in your bones
I stole your dress with the mold
The one in the cellar that you would have sold
When will we hear the special tones?
The pills seem to help with your mood
Ontario Mills has a special on shoes
I prefer jazz to the blues
Your cochlea's made out of wood

Visual Nutrients is finally over. There will be no more entries. Go away.

Compound Bow

wife says she's real tired
"you go out to get the wine"
hop in the Volvo

the new Interpol
finally some good music
Fall night rock session

driving and feeling
I love these dangerous streets
gentrification

Nancy down the way
what on earth is she holding?
holy fucking shit!

Monday Pomona
she pulled back the compound bow
nice shot for a chick

guy went down like that
slapping at the arrow's point
he was so hurting

what had this guy done?
to deserve to be skewered?
in my neighborhood!

it was really true
Stater Bros for more wine
[explanation: "Bros" is pronounced "Brothers"]
she shot the fucker

he called out for help
he was all of, say, sixteen
he spit up some blood

I just wanted wine
not to be a goddamn witness
I just kept driving

back home with the wine
red and blue phosphorescence
beams through my windows

I feel bad for her
she really meant what she did
arrow in boyfriend

police ask questions
what happened? we saw nothing!
I love Pomona

The Visual Nutrients blog is finished. Go away!

Paper

quit reading right now
lou reed decaf container
wearing sunglasses

no more nutrients
(R)itter and (A)sner are gone
your neck is better

electronic paper
mediums gone to the highs
eat your computer

dishes stacking up
dogs gone fucking ballistic
pay with check by phone

mother in law-yer
oral sex with Bill Moyer,
Bill Gates and Tom Sawyer

redacting gone bad
blacklisting my zombie dad
blood orange grafting

Paper is not a nutrient! Purchase oral nutrients for optimal health!

Camphor (Tapatio con Julep)

My back is really sore from moving my mother-in-law
My mother must have been sore after having me
I'm sore at my mother for being half of me
My mother's lawyer plays tricks on her
Leaving Hallmark cards outside her bedroom window
With cartoon carrots saying, "Luv ya a bunch"

Grab the world by the horns. The world has horns!

Empty Calories

I think this blog has run its course
I think about my friends' divorce
I think I will not ride the horse
You play the Greeks, I'll play the Norse
We'll meet again on distant shores

I'm out of ideas! I'm sweating!

Bacillus Cereus (Uncle Max Tribal Mix)

We had no idea that the Billy Joel thing would get so out of hand. The Tendril Sisters brought out the big guns and restored a whole houseload of appliances. I talked with my wife about my fascination with Ed Asner and she was unable to grasp how (A)sner had changed my life and Billy Joel's life for the better. She told me that I didn't know Billy Joel and that the way I sing his songs is kind of scary. I listened to two of her mother's old 78s and wait...

I really have nothing to say. Fuck you!

Crenshaw

people in the hood
got hardships and all that shit
but my pain means more
at least to me
do they think about me?
all I ever think about is me
albeit briefly

Your journey is meaningless! You are meaningless!

Tin

The home pregnancy test shows a blue minus sign, meaning she will have a child with a negative attitude. She'll name the child after a comet, but won't really know that she named the child after a comet. She'll just remember that she liked the name and saw it in the paper or heard it on television.

Use gasoline as an astringent! Promises are fads!

Iron

Tonight I worked with the doctor who's also a poet and he wanted to know what I thought of Noam Chomsky.
I said that I thought he was probably pretty lonely.
Then the doctor who's also a (p)ublished (p)oet said that of all the things I could have said about Noam Chomsky that he had just never thought of him as someone who would be lonely.
I asked my friend the doctor whose (N)ew (B)ook of (P)ublished (P)oetry just came out whether he thought that poets and linguists could ever really get along and he said he supposed not.

Noam's pain is nothing special! Yours never was!

ffp

I long for a good short story
I stored a good long shoreman
Some stove spilt goo on Lance Sherman
Stemmed spores long for lamb shanks to mend
Oh to mend/oh to mend/ode to men
I have quality time
And it's no crime to rhyme about
Sailors and saints and the Poles with their paints
From their rituals
There is a freedom to riding without a helmet
To hell with it
Oh now, to hell with it

The dance lessons didn't take. All you ever say is "envelope".

Ginger

I cross bug spray off my list
After I find the "Stater-Saver" brand
One dollar ninety-nine compared to almost four for the Raid
My main concern is that the cheap spray may not kill as quickly as the Raid might
Thus prolonging any agony that the bugs experience on their journey to death
Am I a better man for allowing them more time?
More time to feel the harsh neurotoxins seep through shiny-black bug skin
Does it feel like being burned? Electrocuted? Suffocated?
I end up buying the Raid, knowing that the better man kills bugs quickly and efficiently
Because that is what he, himself, would want
When the spray comes down from above

Have yourself a good cry. Your life is sad!

Thiamin (a rebel song)

I am (M)ango-green with envy
That your father trusted you with a gun
And took you hunting (R)ustic-brown animals
That tumbled down slow like a Peckinpah dream
With Dustin Hoffman by your side
You always got the better ride
(F)antastic rebel! Choose your devil!
Pills have r(u)led your dopamine
Levels skewed your middle bubbles
Reduce this town to rubble
Let's reduce this on the double!

Tepid water is fear. Dad killed the deer.

Althea (Marshmallow) Root

In the village of Ralegaon Siddhi, native alpacas known as "domestic partners" are allowed access to all places that humans can go. One of these domestic partners often leaves refurbished IBM Selectric typewriters in the village museum, earning him the name "Timmy." I have written a poem for Timmy for reasons I cannot discuss yet.
Poem for Timmy
The patina on the brass plate was dark like a chow's tongue
In a chow's mouth without light
But whose eye can see dark patina in a lightless chow's mouth?
The eye of Timmy the alpaca can see through chow cheeks
Because alpacas have quantum-foveated retinas
Allowing for the seeing of the aforementioned dark patina
Timmy called for the birth of a new god
Timmy read the words on the brass plate:
---be with it that this new god be named Mr. Lucky---

Go hiking someplace locally! You'll be surprised that nature has not abandoned you!

Borage Seed Oil (Town Without Pity Remix)

Who would wrap their child in foil?
Rice hulls aerate stubborn soil
A watched pot has no will to boil
You stained the valence with borage seed oil
Child in foil
Stubborn soil
Will to boil
Borage seed oil!
You left this town a total wreck
Redwood makes a stunning deck
I hear you used to hang with Beck
As I suspected, (R)itter-Neck
Total wreck
Stunning deck
Hang with Beck
(R)itter-Neck!
I watched you tear your life to shreds
The cure for cluttered lawns is sheds
Sour dough sows sour breads
The name of this band is the Talking Heads!
Life to shreds
Lawns is sheds
Sour breads
Talking Heads!

Time heals all wounds! Unless infection runs rampant!

Propolis (Derived from Genus Vespula Carne)

Ron (H)oward pulls out his throwdown, knowing he can't use his duty piece to waste the useless perp standing in front of him. Borrowed time. That's all any of us have, really. On top of that, it's a bad loan...one that none of us can ever repay.

Let's not go there, please.

Pantonious Hydrochloride (filler)

Language makes us weak and stupid
When other animals want to fuck
They just bite each other and go for broke
People ruin everything with language
Except books
Books would suck without language
Maybe books about fucking without language would be okay
But what would the reviews be like?

Quit thinking about your parents! Is that a bruise?

Pantothenic Acid

wait for UPS
men in brown on power trips
handling your package

smell-test for chicken
bacterial entropy
use or freeze by date

candlelight dinner
a farm bird dressed in tight shorts
does a sexy dance

without choice, I join
strong wine clouding my judgment
soft lips meet hard beak

the bird demands cash
or the photos hit the web
last night meant nothing?

Make your marinade more tangy by using household ammonia! Very base!

Dong Quai

"Some things rot from the outside in."
It's just a pimple. A simple pimple.
"No. I'm fairly certain I am rotting. Just look."
It's just stress. And you drink too many Diet C***s.
"Why the *s?"
I don't want it to seem like Visual Nutrients is critiquing any particular brand name items.
"So if I said Diet P****s instead of Diet C***s, you would still put the *s?"
Let's face it. Diet P**** sucks, plain and simple.
"But everyone knows what you're really saying, so why not just come out with it?"
Do you remember your dream about John Kerry?
"Yes."
How he told you that he would lose the debates with George Bush because the American people weren't ready for the truth?
"It was my dream. Of course I remember it."
It's the same thing here. We know what's being said, but can't admit to really saying it.
"So what does it mean when I say I'm rotting from the outside in?"
Try saying it again.
"I'm r*****g from the outside in."

Keep your insides clean by drinking plenty of w***r. E** p***** *f s****! C***!

Acetic Acid 5%

Beneath her sweater he was certain he felt a lump
The angora sensualized what he knew to be a potential malignancy
Nancy pushed him aside and stated the obvious
"You! The King! How could you?"
He reached again for furry rabbit wool covering soon-dead cancer-flesh
"I demand a different outcome! You are the King and I am diseased, am I not?"
He thought of the Easter song about Eggbert the lonely egg
He imagined himself covered in mites and that the mites turned into rabbits
He made wishes that were almost prayers and he knew he could do nothing to help her

Trader Joes sells multivitamins. Cheap butter, too.

Vanadium

Cheryl bought an excessive amount of halloween candy
"Everyone has kids and they have kids that want some candy"
She sets down the bowl of Almond Joys and moves toward the bowl of Smarties
"The neighborhood kids will need plenty of sweets to complete their halloween experience"
It's about ten p.m. on an August night and she's putting out the candy again
"God I love this holiday"

Try having sex with your thumb! Keep reading; it's healthy!

Molten Lead

Shy Producer makes Slimfast smoothies
With a Waring blender from (g)od-knows-when
And there's this burnt electrical smell
Like ozone and old plastic
And he misses his friends who have moved away or died
Their appliances were in similar disrepair
With the ability to awaken the senses
To all the odd and great combinations

When watching the moon for activity, take frequent breaks. Developmental lag!

Docosahexaenoic Acid (DHA)

She asked me my sign and I stupidly said "Pisces" which is true but I now realize that anyone asking that question is attempting a "brain-jump" in that they seize on your pre-answer and send a mental note out to the (C)ollectors. Later on that night my greatest fears were verified in the way the moon was only casting "half-shadows" as if afraid of fully reflecting earth's now-contaminated light. Why is it that the moon (Mr. Moon) is so clued-in while other gravity slaves are veritable idiots?

Wrap onion skins in cheesecloth. Now what?

Wakame

...and while you're at it, why don't you do a little dance?

Fantasies are unhealthy! You're the dancer!

Sorbitan Monostearate

My pals gave me a special cup
Into which I poured a very old can of malt liquor
With some name like "Konsky's Shelf"
And as I downed the sour-bitter Konsky
I thought about how my pals had sold me out
My pals who ratted me out to my ex
My good buds that ended up with more of a taste than I ever got
And with that, the stale uber-beer was suddenly
A damn fine drink, if I must say

Use a touch of tea-tree oil during foreplay. Refreshing!

Gerovital (GH3)

when you were younger
with one line about nature
gun-barrel phallus

last year at this time
middle nature line insert
cold steel tube, oh yeah

now with you older
we have natural middle
you are in my sights

Take a self-defense class! Because you're weak!

Diacetyl

The New York Life salesman is alert
He readies his laminated pullout
Knowing that the younger agents use PowerPoint
To candy-coat death and turn it into a product
But he has been doing this a long time
Through two marriages and two divorces
And four children who are, genetically, clearly his
They share his fat, stupid face and his shit-brown eyes
He sends birthday cards bulging with $100 bills
Hoping that his children will notice that the bills are in series
That he took the time to go into the bank
And insist the teller open a fresh bundle
The young couple enter his office and he begins his pitch
For a product that everyone understands eventually

Peel the labels off of all your canned food! Mystery is lively!

Ethanol

Looking good and dressing well were the two things that Jessie could do right. When it came to small talk and playful banter, he would always sour the mood by using unnecessary verbs.

~

Haiku Verb

to do the jog walk

run. stop. run. spit. finish. last.

verbs live in grade school

~

Jessie never fell for fads, like friendship bracelets and bandsaw challenge. His head, like the motor of his heart, was all about following OSHA guidelines.

~

Try ingesting ethanol with a group of friends! Finish last!

Comfrey Root

So I called Kathy after she quit
Turns out she's a widow now
God she knows how to wrap herself in that cloth
Her broken face is now in shadow
As she mourns what she's been mourning all along
But now it has a name
And a family to resent her and lash out
Against what we all become
Sycophants with broken noses
And jobs we hate
And children that won't talk to us

I will miss the licorice. Put the razor down.

Banaba Leaf Extract

Yes, we have no banabas!
We have no banabas, today!

Visual Nutrients gets worse every day! Quit reading it!

Myrrh (Commiphora Myrrha)

Almost every self-help book discusses the push/pull relationship of...well, relationships. What none of the self-help books address with any detail is the little matter of wheat meat. Wheat Meat beats cold sleet and the (D)ry teat. Wheat Meat treats Pete like the pellets treat the skeet. One fleet of red beet can't unseat Wheat Meat, even when Pete's feet do a "three-peat" to the do-wop beat of Wheat Meat.

Write down three things you like about yourself! Instead of ink, use your own blood!

Valine

So the gardeners for the people across the street start unloading the mower and edger from a pickup truck. Loud squeals and groans are coming from somewhere inside the cab of the pickup and I see what looks like a small donkey bounding from passenger's to driver's seat. At first I thought maybe I had seen it wrong. Maybe it was a developmentally delayed child throwing a major spaz, hoping to distract his brothers from their work. I walked out my front door onto the porch to get a better look through the windows of the truck. Sure enough, a small donkey was jumping from seat to seat and screaming its fucking small donkey head off. The brothers (I'm sure they were brothers because they looked very much alike) ignored their donkey and started mowing and edging. I ran back into the house and to the kitchen to get a carrot, thinking that the donkey might be hungry. When I got back to the porch, I saw the larger of the two brothers reaching in through the opening of the passenger-side window. His hand was on the donkey's ear and he was yelling something in Spanish. He began twisting the ear. The shrieks from the animal, twice as loud as before, were angry and mournful at the same time. To be continued...

Yardwork is both healthy and relaxing! Your nose is misshapen!

"Normal" Saline Solution

You are part of the normal saline problem
You are a big part of the trouble we've been having up here
Reticent (D)aughter was indicted along with your brother
Your GOODFORNOTHING brother
Reticent (D)aughter saved the spent pulltabs from the bingo hall
Thinking that she could build a man out of the colored paper strips
He would be beautiful, like a rainbow mummy

Try reading the competition's literature! Ideas are money!

Riboflavin (derived from one cup of blueberries)

Tonight I will stand alone in a cemetery and eat an Almond Joy. I will toss the thin plastic wrapper to the ground and I will ask the moon a question:
Why so sad, Mr. Moon?
Mr. Moon will answer, "Why so careless, you littering fuckbug?"

Old thermometers contain mercury. Break one open and play with the silvery liquid!

YaM

You are more yam than I!
You are the moon; the sky!
Lies!

You lie!

Hydrocarbon Extraction Solvent

This is a situation in which the primary flatfoot would have the option of continuing the smoothing of the spotter against the spotter's will. The issue of social status is moot at this point (legally speaking) if the man with convictions believes that the spotter is a verified roughian. The flatfoot's job is to provide smoothing, even when the smoothing is invasive.

Emotions are portable. You can leave them at the restaurant!

Gamma-oryzanol

She tries to comfort me, saying "It's just a dream. You're okay. We're all safe. Go back to sleep."
And I think to myself, "How fucking cliche! Tormented by personal demons in my sleep! How original. Maybe I should write an absurd poem about it!"
Again, I think to myself (who else does one think to?), "Perhaps these experiences are brought on by my profound uniqueness...yes, of course!"
So she says to me, "What are we going to do? You're thrashing around every night like you're fighting for your life."
I tell her that it's just the stress of trying to get a new job. I tell her that once things settle down and we get into a routine that all will be set straight.
The truth, however, is that these nocturnal battles are not a fight for my life. I am battling for all life. Not only am I battling for all life, I am battling for the principles that give meaning to all life. These fights could be broadcast on digital cable for a fee of $29.95 and people would get to see a battle where eye-gouging is allowed. But the eyes gouged are mine. People would get to see me lose this battle, again and again. Richard Butler was onto something when he said that she said
"This is it. That's the end of the joke."

You are special and unique! You are asleep!

Docosahexaenoic Acid

She talked about seeing an old "Saturday Night Live"
And remembering when she used to buy pot by the "lid" for ten dollars
She then says she is just kidding
But I know she's not kidding
She was one of those teens that dated guys who looked like either Jesus or members of Lynyrd Skynyrd
She remembers the dizzy nights on Tony's waterbed
Back when kissing was still fun
And rugburn scars were badges of honor

You're not boring! Yes you are!

Phylloquinone

Lank fortitude, Hitler-tar!
Staple money to rose-colored Mama Casses
And reply to the man-ant chooser!
I still recall Matt Damon buying Russian whores
To use as extras in the box-office failure "Smut Bus 2, the Glistening"
I still remember Hydrox as the better alternative
And I still remember Space Food Sticks
So you've got nothing on me
And even less on my friends

Make a paste out of your expired medications and use it as wall joint compound!

Pantetheine

Custard-Woman sighs
Another of (N)ature's lies
Pound for pound for pies

Desperation is thirst! Shut down!

2-Aminoethane Sulfonic Acid

It was June and we were all at June Lake when John Ritter played his little game on me and my family. The trout had come from Gull Lake, and I could tell by the desperate gill movements that I, too, had something in my neck. When a man cleans a fish, he has to get all Bly and just go for it. When a teenage boy cleans a fish under the curse of (R)itter, he ends up with Ritter Neck. Even now I feel (H)is playful tugs when I try to sleep. I go to meetings and community events seemingly of my own will, but I know I am being led by this thing in my (n)eck. Four years after I.C. (initial contamination), I believed I had found the strength to fight John Ritter in a man named Ed Asner. Asner did what he could to help me through his billboard messages but Ritter would purposely scramble the words in order to control the tiny moments. Ritter is the cataract. Asner was weak, like me.

Stretch every morning...even your (n)eck!

Gum Arabic

Gum Arabic bought snacks from Samy's Market
Hostess Donettes; crumb
Expiration date: 07/11/04
Gum Arabic was happy to be in California
Gum Arabic's donuts were still good
In New York Gum Arabic's little donuts
Would be past expiration
In California there is extra time
Not much, but some

Don't buy off-brand tape. Spend the extra and get Scotch Tape.

Papain

Foot-Mother strengthens
Abdominal waste-container
Only finding half-shelves
Barely deep enough to hold
Just one medium papaya
All of his outings were tricks
Hot chocolate the false prize
Foot-Mother strengthens
What historical bonds existed
Usually oxidized by now
Still strong because of enzymes

Keep thinking about your father! Either that or try stopping!

Caffeine

halogen desk lamp
paint thinner hitting the bulb
now I am on fire

mineral spirits
wearing hot orange berets
do the jitterbug

Try using small carpet tacks instead of toothpicks. Metal rules!

Octacosanol

The Corian countertops add value to the home
Granite needs a sealant to resist premature aging
Caused by fluids soaking into the stone
Stone is alive, you know
It breathes in, but not out
Which is what living is like
Always taking more and more in
Weakening the stone with fluids
That have nowhere to go

Use the drops sparingly and do not blink. Plank!

Potassium Nitrate (Saltpeter)

Neighborhood dogs are subjected to fireworks
Their sensitive eardrums repeatedly send
Horrible messages to the brain
(A)sner is the brain
Ritter is the message

Massage your friends, but keep it playful!

Agrimony

John Ritter's divorce papers somehow ended up in my mailbox
He broke that woman's heart, according to the reasons given for dissolution
What a cruel trickster!
He once bridged the very real gap between father and son
Note that in Orlando, the believers have turned (i)t over to Nascar
Note that in Orlando, the Eucharist is more of a ginger-snap
Note that in every broken heart there is a gravity like no other
With a pull that forces all nearby bodies into an orbit
Satellites circling nothing

Things will not get better! Stay healthy!

Animal

What is it?
What does it look like?
Is it a bir?

Animal.

Iodine

Playground fight reads Atkins Manifesto! (P)layground is for married couples with (H)eart. Try the smoothies at Juice It Up! Juice It Up! Let pogrom pilgrims placate the blue plate special and head to Mountain Meadow. Be extra-person. Be extra-person NOW!

The (R)ed man didn't have a chance. The (R)itter took his (H)eart!

L-Tryptophan

Three Turks walk into a bar and one says to the bartender, "I'm feeling sleepy from the full meal I ate during my holiday celebration."
The bartender, (C)arl, looks at the first talking Turk and says, "There's plenty of hotels in the area if you need a place to sleep."
At this point, the second Turk steps up to the obviously Armenian bartender and says, "Yeah. You know what it's like to sleep, don't you?"
The (o)bviously Armenian bartender turns to Cindy and says, "Whoop-La-La!"
All bets are off for the rest of the evening.

Take a (T)urk to June Lake. Bad fishing beats work!

Cora.l.bum.in

Wow. I said it.
You believe me when I said it.
Wow.
You say it right uptop!
God I love you.
You say it right uptop.
No matter what the Mexicans do.
You are super. Sugar baby.
Super.
Let the thoughts out in the shower.
Super-baby!

Try letting go of the Mexicans. Tres Robles!

Yeast

She pleaded. She pled. Plead.
He seeded. He sed. Said.
You needed. You Ned. Ned Tillis.
Garden weeded. Garden wed. 1983.
We heeded. We head. We hid from Ned Tillis in 1983.

(N)ed forgives your (h)eart and neck.

Aldehyde Oxidase

He says to the whole bunch of us, "No person has ever been injured or killed by a human mind" and I said that if the mind was in a jar it could cause a whole lot of damage and he says, "You're thinking of a brain. I'm talking about a human mind" and I say back to him that I have an uncle who is wheelchair-bound because of a mind accident.
He says to the whole bunch of us, "This generation is hopeless" and I say to myself and not to him or the others that I sure am glad I'm not a part of this generation.

Go to church and wet yourself. Urine burns!

Haiku Meat

flesh-stench on heating
weather systems from corpses
swallowing yourself

Dance like a normal person! Do your body a favor!

Boron

What palsied excuse will I make for this afternoon?
Overcast inside and out
This day is my enemy
This day is my sworn enemy
Who had been waiting for me to make my move
And once I launched the attack
He was there and ready with the most cunning of weapons

Try being truthful, then wallow in regret!

Borage Seed Oil (non-fresh)

They say the cannibals weren't interested in tourists
That only a sworn enemy was worth eating
But you
You are worth eating
Yet I am not a cannibal
So you will be spared
Lucky you

Force yourself to vomit. Jerk!

Borage Seed Oil (outtake #2)

Over by the chair...be careful for the cord
Nice, nice. Now up with the hair...that's it--perfect
Now a little lower with the v-neck. That's good
Could we get one with the two of you together?
I just think there's a lot of energy flowing and it's the energy that sells the shots

Let people do what they want to you! Give up!

Panothenic Acid

You didn't have to stay for the whole thing
You could've left with (M)artin or (C)had
But you waited for me...
"Ooh yeah, baby--it means a lot to me-e, oh ooh yeah baby, it means a lot to me-e"
You could have taken the bus or a cab, but you didn't
You waited until they lowered him into the ground
And you could have simply left
But you waited for me...
"Ooh yeah, baby--it means a lot to me-e, oh ooh yeah baby, it means a lot to me-e"
Oh, yeah, sweet sugar
You're gonna get somethin' sweeter tonight
Yeah, I know you had to wait in the rain
The fresh dirt turnin' to mud on that eight foot by three foot area
Yeah, I know you were lookin' at the area
But you waited for me...
"Oh, uh-huh girl, you know it means a lot to me-e, oh ooh yeah baby, it means a lot to me"

Hippety-Hop is good for your (h)eart!

Joe Pye Weed (Eupatorium purpureum)

We shared food and formed a circle with the enemy
With the unknown so near or far away, we had some or no choice
The corners of her lips met one another at the back of her head
Her thin skin almost clear against her face
Forming a sort of cottage window with veins where the leaded glass should have been

Don't make me come down there! That's it...you're getting it right now!

Praseodymium

The division button says "Moscow" on the bottom
While the 9 button says "Cairo"
Chicago is the decimal
This begs the question about Los Angeles

You have negative apples! Women in Rio!

Licorice

Often confused with anus
Your word jokes aren't funny
Your word jokes are tiresome
You have a good heart,
So why do you rape language?
I say, in a high voice, "Not funny is not rape!"
And then I say, indignantly, "Tiresome is not rape!"
And you say that I have a good heart
and that I know what you're talking about
And I don't argue
Not because I know it's true,
But because I have confused language and sex
Rape has confused language (W)ith sex
(H)eart has confused language (W)ith love

Try a number 14 treble hook and Zeke's Floatin' Bait. Bad fishing beats work!

Compressed Air

You take the life of Roy Scheider and...
Like that!
I hear the distant cackling
Oh dear Virgin of Fresno
Sing me to sleep with a song so soft
That a mother's thigh or breast might seem trussed or girded
But dreams and nightmares use the same currency
And it is the latter I spend my savings on
Dear Mother of Scheider: Take what is yours!
Take my goddamned money!

Your actions send shockwaves through the lives of bored people!

Tribulus Terrestris

You're either with the Tribulus Terrestris
Or you're against the Tribulus Terrestris

Add a drop of human blood to your diet soft drink!

Black Cohosh

we travel back and forth like an Adlerian stick-pony
slow and thick at times, like the air is corn syrup
quick and nimble at others, like the dust is electric
going nowhere all the same

Canned air is what killed Roy Scheider!

Borage Seed Oil (before the conflict)

When the photo studio shut down
That Korean guy gave you all those empty film canisters
You said that each one was like an empty little world
We live in an empty little world
How sad for all the canisters

Take pills until you can sleep! It's totally safe!

Brewers Yeast

Only the bits of filth were evident after the pepper spilled
Tanya said she cleaned the kitchen but it seems more like she cleaned her pussy for Chad, the clarinet player
Aunt Nanna showed us the rat teat and laughed
Chad shows up for rehearsal. Drunk again.
John Ritter gave up. Ed Asner gave up.
The watery milk from the rat teat is not nourishment
The watery excuses for (R)itter and (A)sner mean nothing to Tanya
Chad gets drunk on rat milk

Who can turn the world on with her pussy? (R)at!

Chondroitin Sulfate (bovine source)

"You so strong for a white man"
Every day, I lift items.
"You pretty as a woman"
Items make my face look better.
"You have two nipples"
Both breasts held intact by items.
"You got nice items"
My items are the nicest.
"Items! Items!"
Yes. Items.
"Ooh! Items!"
God yes. Items.
"You so nice with your items"
I am nice with my items.

Give yourself a chance to grow without (n)eck pain!

Norepinephrine

Diet Coke can placed in front of fruitbowl
Mr. Fisher sits--notices can
Mrs. Fisher floats up to ceiling
She screams to her husband to help her regain control
Mr. Fisher picks up can of Diet Coke and takes a refreshing swig
Mrs. Fisher's head changes into the head of a crocodile
Mrs. Fisher now appears comfortable with her lack of gravitational constraints
Mr. Fisher finishes DIET COKE, setting the now-empty DIET COKE can in front of the fruitbowl
Mrs. Fisher wildly flails her legs in the air and is pushed forward to Mr. Fisher
Both embrace
Mrs. Fisher gives a sly, crocodile wink to the camera
Lights fade
The End

The answer is in the second drawer. Hide your weakness!

Cattail Tea

Endgame features churchmen
Spackle the frame to hide the notches
Endgame invites Brad Pitt to the relish tray
Brad Pitt invites (R)itter-(N)eck to Boston
Endgame features burnt umber vs. raw sienna
You ended up buying the model home
The one with a sliding glass door
Instead of the garage door
Endgame leaves malathion-stains
On your Mercury Bobcat
Leaves sticky leaves

Brad (P)itt fathered a demon!

Ginsenosides

On the roof of Three-Sharp (tower 3 of sharp, inc.)
Natalie and Gwen made plans to kill their husbands
The criss-cross thumping of news helicopters
And the realization that war is everywhere
Made for an interesting morning

Try a paste of baking soda, paprika, and water!

Magimba Root

You forget criminal prototype
I imagine you smelly
Regain trust through Mexican hep-talk
I only wanted that trip to Europe
I only wanted a hot, hot cup
Of magimba root tea
You served me the blood of the lamp
You light up my life

Remember- your friends are worried about you. Ass.

Goldenrod

Not a root but a calling from childhood
"It's on the goldenrod"
Well it's time to set the record straight:
I was the one who sniffed the mimeograph ink and, yes, I got really high.
I was the one who left the popsicle stick in the yard (I don't remember doing it, but it had to have been me).
I let Tiffany out of the back yard the day she got hit by the car.
I took a swig of my dying father's opiate cocktail (and I'd do it again).

(B)orrow money from a friend. You shouldn't drink!

Haiku Dog Prozac

Cosmo is so calm
Like a weight has been lifted
Canine on psych meds

Who am I fooling
The dog is not suffering
This world is awful

Territorial
What beast of nature isn't?
West coast punk rocker!

Mentally healthy
My wish is to be the dog
Shitting in the yard

Ritter is a non-issue! Screw yourself!

John Ritter

this blog is finished
no more John (R)itter for you
no more nutrients

take real vitamins
and take good care of yourself
avoid (R)itter neck

Thanks for letting me inside you!


---joel

Oil of Avanese

I can already hear her buttering the (B)ird! Quality time is only rendered in the unsalted variety. Plankton breeds and grows until it blocks out the sun, starving the oceanic plants beneath the surface. This (B)ird never swooped down on a kelp bass. (B)ird never knew much until JOHN RITTER stepped up to the plate and took his punishment like a man.

Listening to the tide roll in can be therapeutic! (R)itter neck bonanza!

Oxygen, pt. II

John Ritter dances in heaven with Scarlett Plankton at the annual Scurvy Ball. Then Ritter says to Plankton, "I worked with Don Knotts.", and Plankton looks Ritter in the Ritter eye and melts just like a Hershey bar in a double-boiler. Ritter and Plankton got "cloud burns" after the Scurvy Ball, if you get my drift.

Believe what you read! Lies are transmitted through the ears!

Oxygen

"Goes in pretty fast, ya think?"
"Don't know...I can't stand the thought of either of the Seafood Sisters getting milked."
"But Carl really knows how to tug a teat; just gets in there and the moo-juice flows like crazy."
"I'm just worried about Sand-Dabs' nipples...they look really raw."
"Maybe it's time you stopped thinking about bovine ta-tas and started paying more attention to what I'm holding here in my hand..."
"Sure I worry about Sand-Dabs and Ms. Prawn...but you would too if you spent as much time as I have making patterns to sew the extra sack-cloth into supportive udder slings..."
"Take a look here...you ever seen something like this?"
"I just want to live in a world where fashion can be used as a weapon against animal cruelty."
"You're one sick son-of-a-bitch. Now watch this!"

Use dairy products that have been exposed to air. You know why!

Tea Tree Oil

Earl's shoe was tied so tightly that his foot felt all tingly and numb. While the rhythmic fuzzy sensation felt good at first, the feeling soon became painful. Thousands of fire ants or millions of little lightning bolts...that's what was happening to Earl's foot.

Use both hands to greet your friends! Ritter-Neck!

Comfrey Extract

poor resolution
twenty-two years of ghosting
one more dead drummer

helping Sally move
the mommy! mommy! story
was beyond creepy

you died where Bob died
in the Pomona E.R.
but you were the first

how is it that now
the calculus of lost friends
splits the screen in two?

Buy a starfruit! I promise!

Glucoronolactone (Red Bull)

Complex! Complex! Put your hands where your pants are and do the pocket dance! What? Stop! You can't rest quietly while going into this good night. You can't write poetry to your ex-wife and not have a little "flopsy-time" once the Gossamer Bay is gone!

Try saving your change! You'll be rich!

Sage

Well it seems like Prissy's flown the coop! That's the charge they're making, Scoop! Tell me now if Prissy's gone because I like to watch her mow the lawn. I thought you'd keep an eye on Prissy, but it seems like you did not. If I'd have kept an eye on Prissy, I would have what she has got. That is what I would have caught--all the things that Prissy bought.
(gets real slow and moody here)
Prissy was great with plants. On important issues she took a stance. And boy, could Prissy dance. Maybe that's why she took a chance and bought a ticket out of town. Maybe that's why she threw the notion of romance back into the face of the funny clown.
(picks up speed; almost frantic now)
Prissy Prissy! Prissy!! Blah blah blah! Busy busy busy! Ta ta ta! I missy missy missy! Lawn lawn lawn! Prissy Prissy Prissy! Lawn lawn lawn!

These nutrients are almost more nutritious when they "rock" out! Quit bathing!

Charles Shaw (tannins)

Blue-red debit card
A feast laid out in nature
Transient smell-test

Yellow-blue starlight
A map overlaid on coal
Freerider problems

Jacket-yellow bug
Coins toss well-water to you
Cold buildings follow

A corkscrew makes a good defensive weapon! Keep your guard up!

Kava Kava standardized extract (Piper methysticum) (root)

caca-poopoo
lee baca
caca-baca
chaka-baca
.......................................marshal, will, and holly.......

Meet you at the pylon!

Charcoal (activated)

The picture on Colonel Chapman's wall was most definitely me. I scarcely remember visiting Palm Springs, let alone driving one of the new Buicks. I do remember blowing through those red lights...the power and magic of simply slamming my right foot onto the pedal; feeling my calf cramping and hearing the engine give off magic sounds...sounds that (i)t was meant to make but nobody ever had the balls to give (i)t what (i)t wanted. Then I was at the Marriott Courtyard and you were bringing me really old magazines with Canada Dry ads and Revlon and Merit ads also. Your protests made me stop the car. I don't remember if it really was a Buick.

Activated charcoal is easy to make, just burn some toast! Buick!

Borage Seed Oil (old skool remix, featuring Carm'L)

When I'm all up inside you, yeah, I can feel your seeds
Your borage seed oil
Is what I need
I figure with the pressure
I can expel or expresser
You, ooh baby, you
You, ooh my baby, ooh--you
Ooh you, you, ooh baby, ooh
Yeah oh you, yes ooh
Now do I have to explain it, baby every night
Your borage seed oil
(to get it, ooh yeah) is the fight of my life
You know I'm always lovin' on you
'Cuz I know you're always holding
A drop or two
You, ooh baby, you
You, ooh my baby, ooh--you
Ooh you, you, ooh baby, ooh
Yeah oh you, yes ooh

Get out and dance now and then! You'll feel sexy!