Darmstadtium

we needed front tires
we needed new brakes
and a little motivation
to get us through the day
we got a vegetable box
and a growler of beer
we paid some old bills
and watched the day disappear

Don't forget to set your clocks back tonight! Time is no longer in control of itself.

Goji Berry

thirty years is a long time
for a friend to stay dead
so I sit here and imagine
if he were to be briefly reanimated,
that dead friend would likely say one of the following things:

1. I am hungry for Pup'n'Taco
2. Death is boring but relaxing
3. Heaven has a shitty music scene

Number 3 for sure. Nobody really liked Pup'n'Taco.

Boracium (from plants)

You get your boracium from plants
Your pants are disgusting
Why won't you obey the Elders?
I'm pulling an "Aztec Parent" maneuver on you
Replacing the gasoline in your motorbike
With Cranapple
Diet Cranapple

Respect the Elders. Drink fake juice!

Acidic Bog-Water

Jupiter is a planet
Adidas is a shoe
One is larger than the Earth
The other is a shoe
The Outback is a steakhouse
A cupcake is a cake
One serves awful food to jerks
The other is a cake

Late at night I dream of the final battle. Bodies of men. Head of cattle.

Phosphorous

when you were just small
you took apart my Zippo
cylindrical flints
the wick left smudges
oily soot on your fingers
you ruined my lighter

Childhood is temporary. Adulthood is temporary.

Sodium Benzoate

you taught me hate
sodium benzoate
you slapped my date
sodium benzoate
you broke my left arm
and I cried out loud
sodium benzoate
sodium benzoate

Use surgery to mend your abdomen. You have the infection!

Jean Anouilh (fenugreek)

your book is really funny
I read it every night
your deep interpretations
make me feel all right
I want to get to know you
but you have passed away
I think you might have been a bore
anyway

Your spice mixes lack freshness. You lack the "zammo" flavor that we all desire. Zammo!

Potassium (from potash)

church bus repair clinic
divorced comedians (comics)
false memory of a Cape Cod clam shack

your surgeon skipped town
after the Neil Young tribute band
failed to play any Neil Young songs

Ambien party dress
a falling-out in Lakewood
your Pam Dawber potash fantasy

We all hoard thoughts. We are thoughtful!

Lake Water

We drank lake water
We did not get sick
Then we ate unwashed spinach
And we were fine
But now you have chemical sensitivities
And you believe black mold lives in the wall

I'd offer you a glass of wine, but the sulfites would kill you. You wouldn't know anaphylaxis if it bit off your head!

Corn Husks

you used corn husks
as a shield against the pain
and then the country music
helped me find an ARCO
or maybe it was Costco
whatever the case
you found an Iowa solution
to a Wall Street problem

You could own a boat. You do not own a boat.

Procyandins

You wore your Planned Parenthood bathrobe
You used your John Travolta voice
Your acceptance speech was moving
Now get out of here
Leave your computer
I like your computer

I completely forgot what I was saying. Is this thing still on?

Inulin

I was taken aside by Important Woman.
She said to me:

Your nutrients have really gone off track. My people will no longer fund your project.

I told her I would get back to the basics, like John Ritter, Ed Asner, and that maybe I would introduce Gabe Kaplan.
She said to me:

Gabe Kaplan value-train uses bread-money to liquify our Asner Mummies to bottle and sell to Pfizer or Dista.

I used Kaplan-medicine on my Ritter-neck. Give me my funding!

Barley Grass

picnic basket
severed hand
checkered blanket
bluegrass band
autumn day
sowed regret
an afternoon I shan't forget

Don't take rubbing alcohol literally. Don't take anything!

Occupy Metrosideros

we took a flowering shrub
and a clawfoot tub
we built a bank for dineros
lined with metrosideros
we were buoyed by the market
and shopped at Walmart and Target
we bought rawhide for our perros
in the shade of the flowering metrosideros

Occupy everything. You exist for now, so bring it, bitches!

Taxus Baccata

we bought the overpriced Audible Variants disc
and we were happy
we found it at:
http://visualnutrients.bigcartel.com/
and we continued being stupid

Don't be stupid! Use a rarefied bird.

Jeryl Lynn (B Level)

we were supposed to meet up at Donahoo's
or really just a few doors down
at the Aegis Pomona clinic
but you were a no-show
it was a few weeks later that we learned
about you becoming a mump
you had raided one of those "medical waste" containers
and grabbed the first useable rig
and now you are a mump
you look like a nipple
and your head is a bump
you are a mump

You do not have to become like Jer. Please continue with either methadone or chicken!

Xanthomonas Campestris (cat food)

we talked about the cat food
we talked about the cat
it seems the cat is unlicensed
we have an unlicensed cat
the laws about cats have been broken
we are the ones breaking the laws
if witnesses end up subpoenaed
there will be bibles beneath kitty paws

If your child asks you whether you believe in god, just lie. You have no choice!

Substance H

your seatbelt tastes like sweat
or maybe woven vinyl is naturally salty
don't you ever clean the interior?
you read like a child
mouthing the words as you go along
do you do that when you drive?

Haiku Mouth Reader
you read with your mouth
like your eyes control your lips
each blink is a pause

The $16.99 "Gold Wash" is a ripoff. Your interior is still filthy.

Ritter Albumin

The cornstarch thickened evening sky
The post-apocolyptic drama
You tell me you're too weak to cry
Donkey Monkey Llama

The windows of the tract home
Are fogged with stale ammonia
If you ever feared you'd die alone
Donkey Monkey Llama

The sentence you've been given
Lacks only for a comma
A pause that means you're living
Donkey Monkey Llama

Think twice before you make your decision. That means nothing.

Krill Oil (from San Dimas)

you were a radical cleric
from the planet called Krill
I asked you for croutons
you asked me to kill
I found you intriguing
and I did what you said
I ate croutons at night
now there's crumbs in my bed
your backwards ideas
involved squares of hard bread
that led to the terror
of crumbs in my bed
so I tell you this, cleric
I have pushed your agenda
but with sugar so sweet
I'm ignoring your Splenda™

Use religion to sweeten your coffee. Use God for the creamer!

Krill Oil (from Costco)

Belinda Mayne feeds on skin
and that makes her awful
Stanford Sherman eats only skin
he is also awful

Haiku Skin Eaters (two of them)
1983
I graduated high school
you were eating skin

Easter of last year
you asked for skin-covered Peeps
because you're awful

You have learned how to ruin things more slowly. Bite me!

Azomethine (plasma/grandma)

pulled in many directions
you continue to retract
with hopes that no outside force
will grasp your many tendrils
but you are wrong
your hopes are not based on the American Red Cross
The American Red Cross helps people
all people
American Red Cross, motherfuckers!
Salvation Army? Fuck no!
We are dealing with the goddamned American Red Cross!
please eat a plate of steaming shit if you will not bow down to
The American Red Cross!
THEY OWN YOUR BLOOD! You gave it to them, you stupid shits!

Prepare a family emergency plan for fire, earthquake, or flood. And give your blood away for free, you stupid shits!

Xanthophyll (for Men)

they slathered the children's arms
with yellow latex interior paint
and set up a live video feed
that fed directly into the queen's chamber
the television was a Samsung
and the paint was from Ace Hardware
the children were on loan
from Glendale Elementary
the queen was played by "feminine Dan Rather"
closed-captioning provided by Equiliterate, teaching horses to read for over 30 years

You are a coproduction of the BBC. God save the queen!

Rose Bay

the motel in Rose Bay
woke up as a person
or a can of "pop"
with BHT for longevity
with the can made of steel
and not aluminum
what a good motel!
what a good person!

You are a structure! Wake up as a person!

Muscarinic M2

your US Bank statement
listed a four-dollar charge
for "Gnostic Duties"
that led to the two of you
setting up a "fish picnic"
above the Hadron helium leak
which we all know was a feint
to block us from focusing
on the sooty proton tubes

Quit while you're ahead. You are ahead.

Cinnabar

What you are about to read has already taken place, so think of it as history.

The scene is a bar called the Cinnabar located in the Serbian city of Valjevo. The bartender is a small horse standing upright. He is wearing authentic horse clothing. The customer in this story is a misshapen man with dubious (dubious) skin.

Authentic Horse: Welcome to the Cinnabar!
Alex Tingler: Thank you. I'll have a drink, please.
Authentic Horse: Coming right up!

As Authentic Horse prepares a beverage for Alex Tingler, the sound of malfunction overwhelms the characters.

Alex Tingler: Forget the drink. I can't stand being alive any longer.
Authentic Horse: I understand. I've lost the will to finish making your drink.
Alex Tingler: Was it really my drink? I hadn't even received it yet.
Authentic Horse: Here in Serbia, when you order a drink you have established a verbal contract with the merchant. That makes it your drink.
Alex Tingler: How did you get in here?
Authentic Horse: What do you mean, how did I get in here?
Alex Tingler: Were you brought in? Wheeled in? Airlifted in?
Authentic Horse: No, I walked in.
Alex Tingler: I suspected as much.

You probably have dubious (dubious) skin. History is a joke!

Ascorbic Acid (bulk)

The forked, flattened end of the pry bar fit perfectly into the slot where my scapula meets my shoulder. The techs, with almost no force and more than a little finesse, were able to pop the outer casing off my back.
I had no idea that I had a removable outer casing!
I waited for the techs to prep the area for surgery, which, for some reason involved drinking grain alcohol to help me forget the love we once had.

Use love as your drug of choice. A washcloth full of sex-filth beats a felony every time!

Acetic Acid

You assist in cleansing
What most is out of reach
A flower is a blossom
That grows into a peach
Fruit that ripens quickly
Weighs heavy on the branch
If we were in Montana
I'd take you to a ranch

Never look beyond the edge of a well-traveled trail. It's like a poorly managed sewer. Aw fuck, it's awful!

Poil de Chat

I rub off the fur to see the mold
When out of the fridge it will not stay cold
When paired with a cracker the truth must be told
If butter were silver, this would be gold

Do not overstimulate the cat. You continue to overstimulate the cat.

Ethanol (Oliver Platt Remix)

we made terrible decisions
and listened to the oddly comforting
back and forth symphony
of the Pomona Police helicopter
as it played the bow against the night sky's strings

You are Oliver Platt! Admit it!

C17H18F3NO

mood is your weapon
like weather or room brightness
unavoidable

your new script is trite
long-acting metabolite
isoenzymes: fight!

You will get better. No one else will.

Probiotics (5 Billion!)

the first few days are hard
then for the next week or so
it gets real bad
your mood and your nerves
get the best of you
and you will not sleep well
and you will not wake well
it will hurt, hurt, hurt

Put one of those packets of pepper in your purse or wallet. Pepper is pretty good!

Ardent Spirits

when you accept an invitation
from an ardent spirit
carefully examine the spirit's container
the vessel likely has weak or cracked walls
and, if not
the ardent spirit is still
up to no fucking good

Barbara Eden is a metaphor. Larry Hagman is an astronaut!

Glutathione

get off the phone
glutathione
the dog is alone
glutathione
all I've ever wanted is a house with a deck
when we turn against the enzyme it hurts our neck
I bought a chunk of fever at the sickness shop
when you said I had some moves you really wanted me to stop

Use dancing like a romantic stick. You are being watched at night.

Lutein (if you know what I mean)

Robert Frost had an issue with his macula
and used barbed wire to scratch it
the regret was instantaneous
Robert had injured his macula
but Robert was not a stupid man, no
he remembered the deep coloration
he had seen on the skin of a broiler chicken

Haiku What if Lutein Could Help My Macula?
I am Robert Frost
my macula is damaged
I will try Lutein

You will not find your way with an injured macula. We've looked and looked, but after all where are we?

Antimony

you wear stibnite pants
to hide your legs as you dance
your moves are lustrous and grey
and you dance okay
I want to take you outside
against the allotrope tide
to render you malleable
and squander your valuables

Those lizard cave paintings are evidence of your guilt, lizard!

Urea (salty)

I borrowed urea
From your general store
You had red licorice
And those sugar dot paper things
I put forth urea
As a delightful treat
But you agreed to none of it
You brayed and howled your displeasure
Like a displeased canine
Oh how I want you
To be accepting of the general store

Use your children like the spy in Stratego. It's a bomb!

Vitamin A

I heard you found a partner
who let you "Vitamin A"
is that why you left your smartphone
by the dock of the bay?

Even Mr. Limpet figured it out. Jump into the sea!

Cacao Nibs

My wife says that ducks don't nurse
That only mammals nurse
"Have you seen actual duck nipples?" she asks
I can't say I have is what I say in response

The world really does make sense. Then your air disappears.

Methyl Tertiary Butyl Ether

I used a Corpus Christi notepad
To write about your snatch
And when I say "snatch"
I mean Liberty Bell
Which isn't any better

When you have to choose between a rake and a trowel, pick the rake or you're stupid.

Naegleria Fowleri (Lake Winthrop Variant)

German men
surf on special rivers
because they have ocean problems
Massachusetts men
have special problems
because of brain swelling

heavy water walls
vehicles for amoebae
looking for a home

Spend more time by yourself. Practice makes perfect.

Argentinian Thing

I saw an Argentinian thing
and drank it
Health effects were instant
I could see a thousand landscapes
through the dusty eyes
of an old Argentine

Haiku Old Argentine
you used my mule boy
for significant purpose
my eyes. so dusty.

Use responsibility as your battle cry. You are boring.

Sorry Nibs

We give you lively talk
And we give you party walk
But we know the lives you live
And so we withhold sorry nibs

Give yourself a hand. You are an arm.

Refrigerated Pills (the Revenge)

General Mills?
Stonehenge?
Refrigerated Pills (the Revenge)
Unpaid bills
Mom's on the mend

Refrigerated Pills (the Revenge)
Window sills
Beverly Sills
Stephen Stills

Visual Nutrients used to be so much better. What happened to the good old days?

Refrigerated Pills

I pay my bills
And I never much cared
For Beverly Sills
I take refrigerated pills
With live bacillus
Is the skin of the cuke
Just a possible dill-husk?

Visual Nutrients is looking worse and worse. You look better now that you've resolved the "orgasm" issues.

Silicon Dioxide (pt. II)

everything is perfect today:
1. ample stores of food
2. coffee at perfect drinking temp
3. four Casio Rapman keyboards
4. no more ground-dwelling bees

Food::Temp::Keyboards::Bees
first two: this
second two: these

Your memories are not written in stone. Petroglyphs are written in stone.

Cryptococcus Gattii

there was a problem for the club manager
he had booked Potty Sect as the opener
for a trio of fairly well-known goth acts
the band consisted of three synth players
wearing Hot Dog On A Stick uniforms
the middle guy was also the singer, Dick Daisy
the club manager, who we'll refer to as "Club Manager"
was played by Tom Hanks as a teenager

People who insist on closure. Ammonia.

B3

staunch pilot landed hardly
on the primitive island
the sign on the pitted airstrip
read "mitive Isl"
staunch pilot used a healing poultice
on the newly dented bounce bruises
that reminded him of Sundays
when Dad would get so mad

Your groin is speaking. Please listen.

Proteolytic Enzymes

you own a flag store
to make new countries from scratch
like a cake or pie
flour sacks line the hall
mittens for fingerless hands

Every day is a gift. Many gifts are taxable.

Powdered Palm Hearts

You take powdered palm hearts
And you are now a chiropractor
With special equipment
And patented technology
So imagine my surprise
When you told me you were getting your "All Mammals" certification
I am now convinced you will adjust a subluxated walrus

If you see a creep in the mirror, try looking away to the right, spitting, and yelling five random numbers. The creep will have disappeared!

***SPECIAL NOTIFICATION***

Visual Nutrients will resume on August 1st

Inverse Nutrient (live chai)

******NOT A NUTRIENT*******
so it looks like you've gone ahead and started reading
well, well, thrillseeker
are you one of those genetically-inclined risk-takers?
do you think I should have hyphenated "thrillseeker"
and put it in italics?
Here's how that looks, assholes:

Thrill-seeker

Maybe you should go to a vitamin-store from now on!

Inverse Nutrient (special edition)

we build ourselves using pieces of the divine
but sometimes that divinity lies hidden
like wallpaper beneath paint beneath wallpaper

Inverse Nutrient (part two)

we designed your death dossier
exactly as the Wall Street Journal spelled out
in the article written by Saabira Chaudhuri
that we read together online before the catastrophe
who could have seen what was coming?
you rode shotgun on a Ski-Doo
and expected special German treatment
for mortified jaw
and now everything is terrible

These are not Visual Nutrients. Everything is terrible!

Inverse Nutrient (part one-point-five)

Los Angeles County Fair was mortified jaw
Huey Petris and the Zion Trio equals mortified jaw
San Bernardino mortified jaw
Your terrible children are insured
Your lawn is seeded by State Farm
Los Angeles is a bear trap
Huey Petris and the Zion Trio equals bear trap
San Bernardino, however, mortified jaw

We all need insurance. You are feeling so tired!

Inverse Nutrient (part one)

when the man from Jiffy Lube showed me my air filter
I was appalled
when the physician's assistant showed me my labwork
I was appalled
and when you showed me your cotton German brassiere
I admired the attention to detail
those Germans really know how to make a bra
and Germans often shy away from breaking the law
and very few Germans have a mortified jaw
German and the mortified jaw

You feel nutrients being pulled from you. Please do not read Visual Nutrients this month!

Not July Yet (concentrate)

so there's no more nutrients for July
and I'm all like, "What's it to you?"
and you go and say, "What's the deal with no nutrients?"
and I give you an answer that does not satisfy you

You are unsatisfied! Now I feel normal!

Anutrient

I take July off
from writing these nutrients
see you in August

Use a healing poultice on your sores! You have sores!

Title:

Title:

Title

Title!

Soma

you had on your Cate Blanchett yarmulke
when the last rest stop in America closed
your ashtray gymnastics were admirable
but ultimately you bought the comb

Use a banjo like a man! You love the Interstate!

Inheritance Powder

you offered me a Valium
at least that's what I thought
I took it without question
(I like Valium a lot)
it seems you gave me thallium
a toxin most-renowned
this next part speaks of assets
with the last word being ground

Haiku Last Word Ground
the last word is ground
why is it italicized?
here it is not: ground

So where's the speak of assets
promised in the lines above?
I've once again led you astray
the last word being ground

Ground.

Aegilops Speltoides

we made papier-mâché
with strips of newsprint, water, and flour
and wrapped it around inflated balloons
we liked what was happening
because we were on to something
we wanted thousands
but managed about twelve
sometimes we can only manage
about twelve of anything

You may doubt the behavior of the benchmark. You absolutely may.

Extract Extract

twice as strong
lasts double long
yours for a song
extract extract
healthy stuff
had enough?
no, you're tough
extract extract

Concentrate concentrate! Thinking won't kill you, stupid!

Tumbleweed Variant

The invasive species was unaware
Of its invasiveness
As Southern California went from Chumash to Spaniard to drunk white people
The chaparral knew no better
Than to welcome a new friend

Better an open home than a closed heart. Consequences be damned!

Pigeon Root

I order the capsule-filling kit from Amazon
So I can make my own pigeon root supplements
A three pound bag of pigeon root is only $126.00
And I have chosen the vegetable matter capsules
Because the gelatin ones are made with sad animals
My guess is that I can make supplements out of anything
Like dryer lint
Or potting soil

Take pills to get better! If you're not better, you're worse!

Cinnamon Bark (Westonbirt School)

you met her at the mop fair
and seduced her with your funny dance
the dance where your feet move so fast

Haiku Love at Kemble Junction
your mop fair flopsy
left her panties on the train
you old codger, you

Cinnamon Bark (Apologies to the Westonbirt Graduates of 1974)
In no way was this nutrient supposed to accuse the schoolgirls of being "easy targets" for street-dancing con artists. But the circumstances do make us wonder about where they were on the train when they clumsily undressed one another. And what of their relationship now, 37 years later?

Young love can kill an old man just the same as a young man can kill an old love. Stay in school!

Agave (at the office)

I get it
your kid was told to sell candy
and since you are my coworker
I have to buy your damned kid's candy
so he or she can go to camp
or buy a uniform

when I was a kid
I would buy cinnamon oil and those flat toothpicks
and after I would dip them I would wrap them in foil
eight to a pack
and sell each pack for fifty cents
I would save that money and buy records

Uniforms? Camp? Your kids are Nazis!

Stress B Formula

when girls take Stress B Formula
they control the weather with their minds
which explains a lot about Florida

when boys take Stress B Formula
General Electric becomes less general
and more specific

when women, eventually, take Stress B Formula
river water becomes viscous
causing paddleboat problems

when men, inadvertently, take Stress B Formula
Hewlett Packard becomes less packered
and more unpackered

when we, as Californians, take Stress B Formula
neither nature nor business matter any longer
because, dude, cowabunga

If this nutrient seems substandard, light yourself on fire.

Adenium Cannabinum

dog statues lined the memorial walkway
and they were not in alphabetical order
the Northern Inuit stood vigil
to stare across at the Canadian Cur
and within a few steps
another pair
this time a Beagle and a Schipperke
more steps brought more pairs
at least one hundred carved stone canines
none of the plaques had normal dog names
like Biscuit or Max
instead
they had names like Bible and Cafeteria

You ran out of patience long ago. Take a deep breath. Don't let it out!

Inulin

if Wormy Ed Asner would give you inulin
we would have something to talk about
we would be able to look directly at one another with a sense of knowing
and comfort
Mr. Asner does not give you inulin
because he is possessive and mean
he is no stranger to the perils of love
and desperation

Haiku Prebiotic Shield
nature gives you worms
making you unattractive
god, you're so wormy

Give your daughters inulin. Wormy Ed won't.

Zingiberaceae (whee!)

you bring your yellow lightness
into my colorless moods
and now I am savory and happy
so who made you into a powder?
was it a child slave laborer?
or was it a machine?
maybe the machine is treated worse than the child
forced to work without proper maintenance or upkeep
if you try to oil a child, you are a pervert
if you try to feed a machine, you are misguided
so what are you? misguided? perverted?
I am done with you
keep your yellow powder, misguided pervert

Go ahead and read this nutrient again. You missed the point!

Resveratrol™

NovaForm Gusset Memory Foam™ Pillow Set
considered filing for a transfer
the job had always been a challenge
but this day would have pushed anyone in his situation
to the brink of insanity
what, with all the attention being paid
to the Elizabeth Arden Visible Difference Moisturizer™
she got her own demo table across the aisle
from the Resveratrol™ samples
while he sat, boringly stacked
in a vertical bin, no less!
his display cutaway model was more of a deterrent now
since countless stupid children with filthy hands
had rammed their digits into his patented SpringBack FoamCore™
he was starting to understand the appeal of being online only
like so many of his friends had already done
to relax in the solitude of a drop-shipment warehouse
NovaForm Gusset Memory Foam™ Pillow Set had a plan now
with his sights set on the dream of a brighter future!

You spend too much. Create a "dream map" so you stop fucking up your future!

Bovine Growth Hormone

your work at the day care is corrupt
you feed the children bovine growth hormone
while you fill notebooks with data
for the Monsanto representative, Adam H.
he takes you from the daycare
for lobster and premium cocktails
while the children grow soft and large
like you, soft and large

Your udders are corporate playthings! Wear a sports bra!

Chlorophyll

you were definitely on something
when I saw you at the Stromatolite Hinge Revue
lost glossy eyes and your voice so subdued
I could not make out most of your words
but you said something about redacted glider box

Haiku Redacted Glider Box
that doctor needs you
and now, it seems, you need him
this is getting sad

Your Avril Lavigne Mouth Rinse™ isn't working. Or maybe it's working too well.

Krill Oil (from krill)

Liam Neeson plays the part of Lyndon LaRouche
Trevor Martin voices the Beast
We eat popcorn covered in krill oil
And Jordan almonds from 1983
LaRouche paints the Beast out to be a Nazi
The Beast only wishes to maintain a British accent
We have once again failed to get enough napkins
Our shiny hands in the dark theater smelling of fish

All Nazis might be bad, but all bads are not Nazis!

Negative Ionized Hydrogen

things were better
with UHF television
there were living things in the static snow
white noise apparitions that wanted us
to hone in on their signals

things are worse now
with digital television
there is no struggle for the magic
the ghosts no longer beckon us
their signal forgotten

Dr. Gene Scott vs. F-Troop: Fight!

Nicotine

you are beautiful
we say goodbye so often
and then you come back

Quitting is easy if you practice every day!

Lanolin

you used lanolin to keep your lips supple
saying that you would never stoop so low
as to use the Betty Ford Center lip balm
but I know the real reason:

Haiku Real Reason
Betty Ford lip balm
it keeps Betty Ford's corpse soft
her eyes now open

Your bone density scan won't find anything. You're boneless!

L-carnitine

welcome to the nutrient that saves your life
when you wake up tomorrow, thank l-carnitine
had you not read this nutrient when you did
you would have, sadly, died
the afterlife would have welcomed you
with cotton candy and roller coasters
and a bit of oral sex
the afterlife is filled with oral sex
but you were wise enough to read l-carnitine
so you remain in the realm of the living

The afterlife is like a cafeteria. Plastic trays.

Wood Spirits

you treated me badly in 1978
from January to December, bad treatment
a lot of things happened in 1978
but there is one thing that stands out in my mind
you poisoned me with methanol in 1978
telling me it was vodka and mixing it with Tang®
my breath could have powered a bus in 1978
but that power was left unharnessed

Educate your kids about the inhibition of mitochondrial cytochrome c oxidase. Let them know you understand!

Lip Balm

One of my supervisors gave me
Some Betty Ford Center lip balm
As kind of a joke
I laughed and put it in my pocket
And on the drive home from work
I put some on my dry California lips
And I immediately felt a sense of stability and persevering boredom
My after-work beer spilled down my shirt
The bubbly elixer unable to pass my lips
My rye whiskey nightcap suffered a similar fate
Yet my lips felt full and hydrated
My liver and mind felt clean

Be careful when accepting gifts. Protect your lips.

Niacin (Alda vs. Fonda)

Loretta Swit used a 1974 sex maneuver
to briefly control Peter Fonda

Haiku 1974 Sex Maneuver
these haiku are dumb
now for the offensive part
Swit shit on Brad Pitt

Loretta Swit conducted a mock trial
to prosecute Alan Alda

Haiku Mock Trial
tiny plastic judge
delivering real justice
to an awful man

We'll have to do this more often. Is that a new shirt?

Probst (Jeff Ritter)

play your island games
with your dumb wrestling models
but you know the truth
Jeff, the son of John
your neck, it bears Ritter traits
veiny and stupid
you hand out idols
Jenilee Harrison sucked
and you all know it
so let's get honest
Don Knotts hated John Ritter
like Andy Griffin

Keep your buffs. This tribe's not merging!

Ubidecarenone

when we met at the mall gazebo
you were wearing a Fort Donelson hairstyle
dirty and divided
when we opened our cellular telephone kiosk
you danced a Jutland jitterbug
sullen and sinking
and when we filed for chapter 11
you gave me Kandahar kisses
dusty and dangerous

The world is your footstool. You wear a soul-watch!

Dihydroxyacetone (Addendum, pt. I)

the Steves don't have to shave
because the core temperature of the Sun is damnably hot
and it burns off their whiskers

the Steves don't have to pay taxes
because there is no government in the Sun
making it a libertarian's wet dream

and lastly, the Steves are all employed
because when you're in the Sun
you fucking work

Use appreciation of others as a way to assure yourself that you exist. Stare at the Sun and count the Steves!

Dihydroxyacetone

there are men living in the Sun
their names are Steve

Steves are a quiet people
with an intense hatred of California

Californians are unwise
to underestimate the Steves

Haiku Sun Steves
we, we are the Steves
California is our foe
we live in the Sun

When you said "Mode of clation" on the phone I was floored. Floored!

Accutane

This was the toughest delivery yet for Captain Richard. He had handled any number of breech births and umbilical strangulations, but this was just plain weird. The smoothness of the skin reminded him of the perfect first-ice on Lake Winthrop during his service time in the Ashland Militia. The thing that slid into his hands from the Terrible Vagina was more like an eggplant with a face than a human baby. Captain Richard will choose to not document that the smooth eggplant-being spoke to him before closing its milky little eyes.

Use the bathroom before you go to bed. Your bed is soaked in urine!

Used Fish Oil

the rancid taste of Pisces paste
a dinner plate that's gone to waste
the fishy awful smell
pulled our evening into hell
the beginning of our last repast
after ten years in a brandy haze
creamy, rich, and weird like mayonnaise
awakened to this noxious meal
we got the raw end of the deal
this may just be the end of days
so if this should be our last desserts
may we dine until our belly hurts
let us raise our brandy snifters
bless the staid and bless the drifters
Ricky, Lucy, Fred and Ethel Mertz

Borrow song structures liberally. Commie bastard!

Aquifoliaceae Concentrate

we used to look so cool
like Roy Orbison without the face
a faceless Roy Orbison
with only the black plastic glasses frame
stuck into his hair on either side

we used to raise hell
like Buddy Holly without the arms
an armless Buddy Holly
with his powder blue suit coat
both sleeves empty and flat

Every choice you make harms a singer-songwriter!

Eucheuma Cottonii

a problem in the focus group
led to daydreams of a bloody coup
insurgents born of boardroom bore
dry erase pens on the floor
fluorescent lights with subtle buzz
acoustic tiles with dusty fuzz
the texts were flying back and forth
east to west and south to north
we talked of bloodied heads on sticks
men in suits with severed dicks
but for us the focus group had ended
with memories of wars pretended

Use Microsoft™ products to bring work meetings to life! Use a fork to macerate your privates!

Indirect Food Additives

if you love your friends
as well as your enemies
protect your kitchen

if your friends go bad
and stain your new counter top
no sympathy here

if enemies laugh
and spike your food with Marplan
your love was squandered

Suddenly...

Marplan kitchen bear
makes everything better
ignore the mean words

If you get confused more easily in the evening, you are in danger. If your evenings are quiet and peaceful, double danger!

Carrageenan (Downtown Chino Mashup)

I put a slice of cucumber into a glass of ice water
That did not make me a restaurant
But I guess it worked for you

I put some romaine lettuce on a crumbly cracker
But I did not call it a suspended salad
Like it was a bridge or something

I have spent money unwisely at times
But at least I did not cash out my retirement
To open such an awful bistro

Stop eating. Start again. Now that's something!

Water "Caliente"

I felt water caliente when I walked through the door
They used water caliente in the soup of the day
Maybe water caliente is the price that we pay
Water caliente
Hey hey hey

a willow near the Hotel Crown
beneath it is the evening gown
you wore it when we gave a crap
I kind of need my morning nap

There was a Minnesota boy who saw a lake that boiled
And water caliente was all he could say
Maybe water caliente is the price he paid
Water caliente
Hey hey hey

a man has bones beneath his flesh
his skin works like a... (like a mesh)
but pressure ruptures all that's sealed
these scars will never... (never heal)

Hotel trashcans are always too small. You are way too small!

Boniva® and Burdock Root

There once was an island so terrible
No lesson 'twas learned there was shareable
Some reference to Sally Field
This line has the last word of parable

A terrible island existed
For mothers grown short, their bones twisted
Another Sally Field reference
Ends with "wristed"

Put Ritter on the terrible island. End with snarky command!

Modafinil (Wisconsin Aggregate)

The waitress had obviously been crying. All of her eyes were not dotted. All of her tees were not crossed. I ordered the breakfast burrito without sour cream. Just then (I had just finished saying the last part of the word burrito) the waitress walked out of the restaurant, pausing briefly to hand a sealed white envelope to Tiny Suzie.
With the waitress gone and Tiny Suzie wielding obvious control over coworkers and customers alike, Suzie opened the envelope, unfolded the folded paper with writing on it, and read aloud:

density derivative estimation at boundary points
I tried to be good for both you and the boys
and while I know it's surprising to hear I can't function
high order bias kernel reduction

Tiny Suzie refolded the paper with writing on it and placed it back in the envelope. A new waitress (who had also been crying) screwed up my order and I ended up with sour cream on my breakfast burrito.

A little extra pampering can make you feel like a million bucks!

CG33943

your sugar-walled baby maker
brought a vanilla-scented candle
to the Mantis Club reunion dinner

vagina with legs
vagina with eggs
vagina at the Mantis Club reunion dinner

your Jack Lalanne Juicer
really macerated my beets
oh how I love you

please order magazines
from the kids down the street
vagina at the Mantis Club reunion dinner

please get a discount
on the dollar-store beets
vagina at the Mantis Club reunion dinner

Use your vagina to help and not hurt! Someday your logo will be on a flag!

Glucansucrase Enzyme (Bronson Canyon Remix)

cake impurities
compound icing songs of love
spiracle musics

We didn't really think of ourselves as criminals. There were four or five of us from the same high school clique. We were teenagers out to have some fun and we had an incomplete understanding of consequence. It was 1981 and the orange groves had been torn out of the rocky Claremont soil to be replaced by tract homes. We had set out to steal some advertising flags from the myriad construction sites and then use the stolen flags to "tee-pee" a friend's front yard. We drank Henry Weinhard's beer and drove around gathering flags on that crisp October night. We listened to cassettes of the Clash, Visage, and the Zippers. When we finally had about 15 flags, we draped them all over our friend's lawn. Nothing bad happened to us.

Use memories as a way to gauge your current satisfaction with your life! Oh wait...don't do that.

Borage Seed Paste (Chick Mix)

they tried to separate us
we were from different castes
they made a paste from borage seeds
believing it to be a healing poultice
they covered you from stem to stern
your skin could feel the poultice burn
I think that is what killed Chick Hearn
a man from whom we all could learn

Sometimes trying is not enough. You need a gun and a ©oleman tent!

Nutmeg (not Borage Seed Oil #2)

do not expect a negative nutrient
because those have been moved to storage
by some hired hands

the men and women hired to move the negative nutrients
were fairly stupid people
nice, but stupid

I told them I would give them $40 each
but those dummies made me pay them $60 each
that is a $20 difference
like I said...stupid people

the nutrient tonight is full of positive energy
the hired hands were kept well away
through the use of distractants
like shiny objects and a mantis cake

mantis cake baby
the frosting is your sex skirt
cold wash tumble dry

Keep your hands in your pockets. Keep looking down.

Sumatriptan

Suma tripped and broke her hip
And on the tile she landed
The nursing home left her alone
Alone, in pain, and stranded

Suma's nurses napped in turns
While one would play the sentry
Their duty was to wake their peers
On supervisor's entry

Suma yelled and cried and moaned
But help was hours from coming
While on the floor she vowed revenge
Revenge, white hot, and stunning

Suma healed in two months' time
With the help of a robot named Timmy
Timmy's cpu had a firmware flaw
And he pinched off Suma's head with his claw

The human heart is like a gas tank. Explosive and dark!