Uloric (febuxostat)

I watched you hobble down the stairs
I didn't care
I remembered the commercial for Nair
with the girls in short shorts with no leg hair
but the gout has taken over
the gout has taken over

Uric acid is different than hair. Your hair smells like pee.

Flax Seeds (from flax)

she wanted facts
I gave her flax
she dated Ahmed
and became pregnant
they seem pretty happy
her and Ahmed

Tell women the truth! Then impregnate them!

Boron

she looked at me like I was stupid
which I most certainly was
and her eyes were smug and army dry
like abandoned mission figs

Ask for what you want. You want a fig!

Lobelia Inflata

the cause of the crash was lobelia inflata
and a poorly timed lane change
resulting in over three tons of swarf
spilling across Interstate 10
at the Cherry Avenue exit

I'm back in control. You're going to look up swarf now, aren't you?

Juniper Berries

you started chewing on some dried juniper berries
and took a swig from a flask of everclear
you told me you were making "mouth gin"
and asked me if I had any tonic water
I told you I only had ginger ale
that's when you said I was involved in cafeteria crimes
you told me I had switched out the lunchmeat with processed human flesh
and that I had been seen on a security camera
defiling a #10 can of S&W stewed tomatoes

Many restaurants have shelves full of cans. Beautiful cans!

Cock (dear lord)

a chicken yells
a chicken yells about your use of cock
"bleeak buk buk bleah bleeak buk buk"
but you understand
as a hen, you understand
cock, cock, cock! Cock.
"bleeak buk buk bleah bleeak buk buk"
the language is clear
cock, cock, cock! Cock.

Use your chicken for good and not evil. Cock!

Capsaicin

you bruise easily
ecchymotic evidence
brown, green, and purple

your health has declined
long lost friends stay long and lost
pastors ignore you

you shout when you talk
and your choices are suspect
please just disappear

we will meet again
and you may have the last laugh
But I have Motrin

Use a Serrano pepper suppository! Spicy!

Umbilicaria Esculenta

sometimes I recognize
what is inside me
and I liken it to rage
because it is rage
(I had to make the obvious lichen reference)

Rageful Haiku Lichen Reference
discolored haiku
what caused it is those lichens
vinegar kills them

My root issues invite lichen. Time to douche!

Hydrofluoric Acid

we will see the Dead Kennedys
without Jello Biafra
and they will rock
all the while
in the back of my mind
I will think about the time
Jello punched the drunk girl
at the Florentine Gardens show
and the audience attacked him
because it was such a dick move

Let your kids see as many shows as they can! Really.

Theobromine (Italy Flight Weiners)

we brought the scared Italians into a room
and gave them a choice between rancid osso bucco
and a chibbi chibbi coconut branch
not a one of them knew of the chibbi chibbi
but they chose the chibbi chibbi
thinking they could outsmart the Master

Haiku Master Slaughterer of the Italians
chibbi chibbi bleh
chibbi chibbi chibbi bleh
slaughtered Italians!

Use your Italians wisely. They're like chess pieces, but they bleed when cut.

Seriphidium Butter

accusatory opening statement
followed by absurd retort
interrupted by a stupid haiku

Haiku Stupid Haiku
sometimes almost good
but usually lacking
shan't quit my day job

Proclamation of import! Mild letdown.

Saw Palmetto

I caught you reading the Neve Campbell Handbook
written by Emily Smith
you told me it's because you know Emily
and that she only wrote this to get in good with the publisher
and that Emily Smith will someday be a household name

Haiku Household Name
fucking Emily Smith
that's the name of this household
as you predicted

Then I caught you reading the Mila Kunis Handbook
written by Emily Smith
I surprised you by my knowledge of the Kunis
that she was Jill the party girl in Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves

Haiku Kunis Knowledge
Kunis Moranis
Moranis on your Kunis
please wash your Kunis

You should curl up with a book. Your household name is Emily Smith!

Xanthophyll Cycle

all the ink cartridges at Office Depot
expanded at the same time
the management meeting was cancelled
and your portmanteau of "upsell" and "comfort"
would never be heard by the living
it seems the change in barometric pressure
was the first sign of the apocalypse
the other signs came in quick succession
Tammy the ignorant sales associate collapsed
and her body exploded into hundreds of poisonous snakes
while the DeskMate Calendar display became wholly disorganized
making it difficult to discern whether the weeks would begin with Sunday
or Monday
and as the air became flame and the parking lots boiled
the last thought you had was of your first Epson MX-80 dot matrix printer
and how that chattery-zippy sound was really comforting

Selling your ideas is like selling your child. Rent your child and keep your thoughts to yourself!

Clam Liquor

you used clam liquor
to seduce the bread man
I knew there were bread men
but not in California
it turns out there are bread men
bread men in California
bad men easily lured
the seduced bread man endures
he hides indoors
and leaves crumbs on floors
I am jealous of the bread man
and even though you seduced him with clam liquor
I will be there for you
after I kill him with a Sunbeam toaster
he may hide and evade
and try to use sesame seeds for trade
but he is a dead man
the California bread man

Don't bring clams home! Clams!

Sassofras Variifolium (the return)

with only two of the seven still remaining
the tilted patio helps with draining
when...
when...
when it is raining
the two split up into groups of one
to search for the elusive smoking gun
when...
when...
when:

Haiku One Gun
pawn shop six-shooter
I hope that I can use you
when order breaks down

Your beaker is no substitute for a to-go cup. Leave science alone!

Live Oak (Viva Roble)

I will assemble an army of children
Cody will be the first to die
Amber will hold Cody's bloodied face
And yell for a medic
an army of assembled children
will use a dead Cody blanket
to cool down Amber's hand-face
bloody Amber's hand-face

The Latino medic is muscular. But he's just a kid!

Saccharomyces Cerevisiae

Carole King started causing trouble
at the Rancho Cucamonga Apple Store
Carole King never supported the migration
from PowerPC to the Intel chipset
The Rancho Cucamonga Sheriff's Spokesman
explained that Ms. King seemed intoxicated
The Rancho Cucamonga Sheriff's Spokesman
said the coroner's report was inconclusive
Carole King was taxidermied by Leon Pray
whose methodology reduced the risk of carpet beetle degradation

Your radio is full of carpet beetles. Turn any building into a church!

Walking Fern (just the tips)

we found your brother's body
just where we left it
he was still alive
and had even picked up some groceries
your brother's grim expression
was found the same day
on his face
which is part of his body
the face on the front of his head
your brother should be more careful
about where he leaves his body

Your brother is a Triffid! He shops at Vons!

Trader Joe's Green Drink Mix

Thirty servings later
I am feeling better
Every serving makes me
Feel a little better
So now that I am stronger
I will deputize random children
To be my sons and daughters
And I will send them unto the distant lands
Like Banning
And they will speak of me
Telling of their indoctrination
Into my newly formed child's army
And I will eventually accept a plea agreement
To avoid a state prison sentence
After the Dodge Dakota full of kids
Arrives at the Chatigny Recreation Center
With what could have been
The beginning of everything good

My army would have started in Banning! Your children will make brilliant soldiers!