Nitrogen Flushing (cervix)

they flushed your cervix
with liquid nitrogen
because they are sadists
who hide beneath the flag
of molecular gastronomy
while harming women
with elements
that destroy the reproductive organs
of innocent women

The thyme-infused foam is almost too lemony! You have a hookworm.

Durable Medical Equipment

you are reading a Visual Nutrient
called Durable Medical Equipment
what the hell is wrong with you?
what if you get an unnecessary splint?
or a nebulizer that you'll never use?
you have no common sense
is what your problem is

Use crutches to hit people! Ouch!

Aberic Acid (Orizanin)

I answered the phone and the woman said
"I'm from U.S. Bank and I can offer you a great rate on an accidental death and dismemberment policy."
Before she could continue (she really wanted to continue), I stated:

There is very little chance that my death or dismemberment will be accidental

There are no accidents! Intentional dismemberment is trending strong!

The Tasting Game (military edition)

do not mention your father
because to think that your father played the tasting game
disgusts us as a group
but as a group we doubt
that your father was really evil or sick enough
to play the tasting game
even though we all have memories
of blindfolds and cameras
and tickling
why are tickles so wanted and feared at the same time?

Your father was a great man. Thank god he's dead.

Borage Oil (from borage)

there was a little devil
his name was Ortho Fez
he did not use the ashtray
he only had one friend
I was friends with Ortho
and took him to the mall
he thought the Montclair Plaza
was not a worthy mall

Use your gift certificate. You're stupid.

Spearmint (anti-emetic)

the shoes are in the entryway
the carpet is pristine
you use a scented freshener
every time you pee
you use the terminology
that fits with your profession
but sometimes with your varied moods
you give a bad impression
I don't want you to take this wrong
but I think I have to tell you
even with your scented spray
all of us can smell you

Judge others quickly and mercilessly. Then just wait and watch!

Uloric (febuxostat)

I watched you hobble down the stairs
I didn't care
I remembered the commercial for Nair
with the girls in short shorts with no leg hair
but the gout has taken over
the gout has taken over

Uric acid is different than hair. Your hair smells like pee.

Flax Seeds (from flax)

she wanted facts
I gave her flax
she dated Ahmed
and became pregnant
they seem pretty happy
her and Ahmed

Tell women the truth! Then impregnate them!

Boron

she looked at me like I was stupid
which I most certainly was
and her eyes were smug and army dry
like abandoned mission figs

Ask for what you want. You want a fig!

Lobelia Inflata

the cause of the crash was lobelia inflata
and a poorly timed lane change
resulting in over three tons of swarf
spilling across Interstate 10
at the Cherry Avenue exit

I'm back in control. You're going to look up swarf now, aren't you?

Juniper Berries

you started chewing on some dried juniper berries
and took a swig from a flask of everclear
you told me you were making "mouth gin"
and asked me if I had any tonic water
I told you I only had ginger ale
that's when you said I was involved in cafeteria crimes
you told me I had switched out the lunchmeat with processed human flesh
and that I had been seen on a security camera
defiling a #10 can of S&W stewed tomatoes

Many restaurants have shelves full of cans. Beautiful cans!

Cock (dear lord)

a chicken yells
a chicken yells about your use of cock
"bleeak buk buk bleah bleeak buk buk"
but you understand
as a hen, you understand
cock, cock, cock! Cock.
"bleeak buk buk bleah bleeak buk buk"
the language is clear
cock, cock, cock! Cock.

Use your chicken for good and not evil. Cock!

Capsaicin

you bruise easily
ecchymotic evidence
brown, green, and purple

your health has declined
long lost friends stay long and lost
pastors ignore you

you shout when you talk
and your choices are suspect
please just disappear

we will meet again
and you may have the last laugh
But I have Motrin

Use a Serrano pepper suppository! Spicy!

Umbilicaria Esculenta

sometimes I recognize
what is inside me
and I liken it to rage
because it is rage
(I had to make the obvious lichen reference)

Rageful Haiku Lichen Reference
discolored haiku
what caused it is those lichens
vinegar kills them

My root issues invite lichen. Time to douche!

Hydrofluoric Acid

we will see the Dead Kennedys
without Jello Biafra
and they will rock
all the while
in the back of my mind
I will think about the time
Jello punched the drunk girl
at the Florentine Gardens show
and the audience attacked him
because it was such a dick move

Let your kids see as many shows as they can! Really.

Theobromine (Italy Flight Weiners)

we brought the scared Italians into a room
and gave them a choice between rancid osso bucco
and a chibbi chibbi coconut branch
not a one of them knew of the chibbi chibbi
but they chose the chibbi chibbi
thinking they could outsmart the Master

Haiku Master Slaughterer of the Italians
chibbi chibbi bleh
chibbi chibbi chibbi bleh
slaughtered Italians!

Use your Italians wisely. They're like chess pieces, but they bleed when cut.

Seriphidium Butter

accusatory opening statement
followed by absurd retort
interrupted by a stupid haiku

Haiku Stupid Haiku
sometimes almost good
but usually lacking
shan't quit my day job

Proclamation of import! Mild letdown.

Saw Palmetto

I caught you reading the Neve Campbell Handbook
written by Emily Smith
you told me it's because you know Emily
and that she only wrote this to get in good with the publisher
and that Emily Smith will someday be a household name

Haiku Household Name
fucking Emily Smith
that's the name of this household
as you predicted

Then I caught you reading the Mila Kunis Handbook
written by Emily Smith
I surprised you by my knowledge of the Kunis
that she was Jill the party girl in Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves

Haiku Kunis Knowledge
Kunis Moranis
Moranis on your Kunis
please wash your Kunis

You should curl up with a book. Your household name is Emily Smith!

Xanthophyll Cycle

all the ink cartridges at Office Depot
expanded at the same time
the management meeting was cancelled
and your portmanteau of "upsell" and "comfort"
would never be heard by the living
it seems the change in barometric pressure
was the first sign of the apocalypse
the other signs came in quick succession
Tammy the ignorant sales associate collapsed
and her body exploded into hundreds of poisonous snakes
while the DeskMate Calendar display became wholly disorganized
making it difficult to discern whether the weeks would begin with Sunday
or Monday
and as the air became flame and the parking lots boiled
the last thought you had was of your first Epson MX-80 dot matrix printer
and how that chattery-zippy sound was really comforting

Selling your ideas is like selling your child. Rent your child and keep your thoughts to yourself!

Clam Liquor

you used clam liquor
to seduce the bread man
I knew there were bread men
but not in California
it turns out there are bread men
bread men in California
bad men easily lured
the seduced bread man endures
he hides indoors
and leaves crumbs on floors
I am jealous of the bread man
and even though you seduced him with clam liquor
I will be there for you
after I kill him with a Sunbeam toaster
he may hide and evade
and try to use sesame seeds for trade
but he is a dead man
the California bread man

Don't bring clams home! Clams!