Puma Oil (Sexual Lubricant)

the ten-speed bike's handlebars pointed up proudly like the horns of an elk
aluminum handbrakes jutted and wired for action
a thin, uncomfortable wedge of a seat waited patiently for my stupid teenage ass
an underinflated front tire to match my self-esteem
I pulled hard on a Winston cigarette
and decided to take the Datsun

You can't (d)ry hump forever! Try screwing like normal people!

Swine Oil (no swine harmed/coaxed oil process)

So it's a tough call, basically
On whether to respond favorably to someone with a gracious nature
Or to dig a little deeper and find out they've ruined lives
And taken lives
Like, with a gun
And it makes me wonder what it is I'm really supposed to be doing
THERE ARE MISSION STATEMENTS
But they conflict
And each person I speak with
Conflicts
If it isn't with others (and most often, it's not)
It is with themselves
Because nobody wants to believe
That their actions really do make a difference
That being said
I miss talking about (R)itter
Those were the carefree days
When my (n)eck was sore
But now I have a hard time conjuring up Mr. Ritter
And I don't even think I'm angry at (h)im any longer

Thinking adds to the conflict! Try being useless!

Incipitos (Ted Nugent Volatility Theorem)

we have, in a box
an old Remington pistol
with two boxes of ammunition
otherwise known as bullets
or rounds, as it were
outside of the box--is us
in a neighborhood so dangerous
there is no question what we must do
it takes us days to build the dummy
Dummy stands thirteen feet tall
limbs made of old sheets
wrapped around pillows and trash
Dummy's body is actual flesh
from our heist at Albertson's
where that girl kept mouthing off
and throwing off our concentration
and we had no choice
but to carry her over
Dummy's head is from a comic strip
two-dimensional and black and white
except on Sundays

Nutrition begins with self-health! Every morning, say "I'm self-healthy!"

Incipitos (quad-level oxy-metric flavor)

Please check back for the real Incipitos!

Crystalinedioxymethamphetamine

It always felt good to rub a stone on your skin
It was always nice to have a person undress for you
It was almost always perfect when we felt each others' breath
But now we have to work
And we would become ill if we stayed up all night
And I have that thing with my heart
And I love you so much anyways
That your breath still feeds my lungs
That your skin radiates love
That we were always naked
And it is because we work

I really love my wife! I hope you have love in your life!

Mink Oil (processed using the harm reduction model)

Chief Namba brought out chicken eggs
And showed us how to crack them
Using our thoughts
The eggshells split perfectly in half
And the whites and the yolks
Defied gravity
Waiting for Chief Namba to teach us
Another fucking mind trick

Try exfoliating a car!

SAM-e

indifferent you
locking horns with antelope
your head seems so soft

incredible you
in therapy with an elk
were you always strong?

weak me on the ice
helpless on a flat river
fast water beneath

rescued by a moose
you control him by whistling
you, loved by a moose

you rule nature's beasts
but I am not natural
you and the moose kiss

my old jealous rage
the moose pinches your nipple
am I still writing?

Stop while you're ahead! Visual Nutrients ends today!

Dumpling Sauce (Toby McGuire)

I did not see your Spiderman film
Because I was drinking
My wife and I loved that Wonder Boys movie
Because I was drinking
But then I realized what a destructive role alcohol was playing in my life
And I gave up drinking
And because I gave up drinking
I finally understood what role you played in my life
You are not a spider
You are an aperitif
And I am drinking again

My promises mean nothing! Yes they do!

Pony Root

we were driving back from the Montclair Plaza
and my wife, out of nowhere, asks me if she can "take a peek"
I consider myself to be pretty open minded, mind you
but I think all the shoe shopping had put me in a bad mood

Let your wife do what she wants! Chinese shoes!