Helicopter Sauce

Truncate the last groomer
Placate the portent spewers
The spewers develop racist ideology
While waiting for gooey dough
Tax preparing software denied us the special attention
We sought
Homosexual dinosaurs copulated on cliff walls
Opaque paintings of the new currency

Up goes the pale flag! Try investing in Ruby Mining Company!

Herring Oil

Whenever you leave the house
I think about dipping some of your things
In herring oil
So you would come home
And the cats would be licking your dad's old lamp
Or maybe that Zuni fetish bear necklace I gave you
And the house would stink of fish
Then you would know how much I hate when you leave
And you would have learned your lesson
And do what I tell you from now on

You have a doctorate in dignity! Dr. D! Ph.D.D!

Mineral Spirits

Do you remember when rock died? (It actually dies about every four years)
The last death was Peter Townshend
Who didn't have the dignity to actually kill himself
And before that it was Stephen Stills
Who went to the same websites
And paid with an offshore account
And before that it was Pat Benatar
Did you know she ran a puppy mill?
Did you know about her NRA membership?
Do you remember when rock died?
When Elvis Costello got plastic surgery
And Stuart Goddard was introduced to Depakote
Yeah. That was when rock died
When all those things happened

Build a prayer mound. Now pray it's a perfect mound!

Problem Trait

Confidence and white gas
Couldn't keep the lost hiker alive
When the wind picked up and the clouds rolled in
He wrote his goodbye note in pencil
On the topographical map
He bought at the REI Co-op
In Claremont, California
His freeze-dried ice cream
With the astronaut graphic on the front
Was found the next Spring
And then given to his little brother
At the memorial

Use lemon juice to soak your razor blades. Sharp and tangy!

Lemon-Lime Soda

There is a lucky number
And the number is seven
There is a group of people
That wait to get to Heaven
There is a delicious soda
And it fizzes and it bubbles
There is a group of seven
And seven always doubles

Nuclear weapons are funny! Laughing is healthy!

Sassofras Variifolium

Seven pilgrims trudged forth on the fourth
They forced their way into the fort
And the three made love while the four gave birth

The Seven, now more, worked hand in hand
To nurture the pups and save the land
My father drunk
My sisters, tanned

And are you still reading, my loyal Seven?
Are your pups in school and your bread unleavened?
Did you know John Ritter had a son named Kevin?

Heads up! Seven up!

Pope Sauce (Creamy JPII Mix)

Yes. I know.
Visual Nutrients is at an all time low.
I fell into the trap of trying to please the Seven.
The seven people beside myself that read Visual Nutrients.
Along with that, I have almost nothing to offer.
I don't care if you have the proper nutrients to survive.
Do you want to know why the Pope died?
He didn't read Visual Nutrients.
Do you want to know why Terri Schiavo died?
She dried up like a funny white raisin!
Limerick Funny White Raisin
There once was a brain-dead bulemic
Whose existence became quite polemic
I got stuck with the couplet
Because I gave up-let
Burt Convey helped move crates of Z-Brick

You see! There's nothing left. Go away!

Calcium Hydroxide

I remember when you joined the Wilbees
You wore your tap-hat and ghost-shroud like a little princess
And you didn't wince at all during the scraping
You erupted into flames once the liquid was pressed out of you
You were like a burning bone beacon
And the Wilbees promised me a sepia-tone photo
Of what you looked like before you were born

Try hiding in your past! Your memories are your weakness!

Lactose (Bra Sample)

This woman at the picnic table
In the big catbox where they pulled out all the small plants
And chopped the trees to shit
So she says
I got this catalogue where they sell a bra made out of diamonds
And I ask her if she thinks of her breasts as decorative sex organs
And upon hearing this
She pulls out a jeweler's loop
And pulls off her sweater
And she says
Look for yourself

My fantasies are stupid! It's safer to keep them secret!

Chromium Hexavalent (CrVI) Compounds

I misread a caption in the newspaper this morning
What I read was this:
God answers all prayers and His answer is "No"
I thought I had stumbled upon some brilliant, yet embittered, theologian's epiphany that his lifelong search for meaning had been a waste of time
And then I thought about the crafty believers who would try to trick God
They would pray to remain poor or pray to not get laid tonight
Expecting the inverse to occur
Not realizing the deal would not work like that
At least not every time
Because every time one says "No"
It is not exactly what one means
No, I don't love you
No, I don't want another drink
No, I've never had sex with a chair

Try being proud of yourself for a change! You are asleep!

Aluminum

Twenty minutes into Antiques Roadshow
We realize it's a repeat
And that woman from Vermont
Got tricked into buying a vase
And she cries about what she spent
Because she thought it was something other
Than a very beautiful vase

Massage can be too enticing. Try oral first!

Arachnid Pheromones

eight-legged dancer
controlling men through her scent
such a good woman

Try a different religion. Your god is stupid!

Guarine Sauce (Palenque Tribal Recipe)

George W. Bush forwards an email to Robert Plant
The original sender, James Spader, will one day become an actor
Spader has written to President Bush asking for forgiveness
Bush assumes Spader is seeking a "dull needle" and forwards the email
Plant is outraged
Outraged

You try writing this shit. I feel empty.

Croton Oil

So there we were
All lined up like Nazi milktrucks leaving the dairy
Five kids being questioned
About a Popsicle stick left in the yard
It didn't just walk there on its own
Dad being clever

My brother Mark
Textbook example of the Adlerian middle-child
Stepped up and took the blame
And the rest of us were released
While Dad and Mark walked, purposefully
To the garage

Aerate your potting soil with shards of glass! Seed protection!

Bad Chianti

dark house
sleeping wife
cat's on the chair
bad chianti
in a very nice glass
no complaints from me

Aspartame is tumor dust! Use public transportation!

ce dangereux supplément

James Earl Jones drinks too much
And uses science to lure Festival Rats
To his little show
The juggling bear, Edward, has always loved
Lengthy Llama
And Kanga has a special gift
For Pesky Primate
And all the while
James measures out his nightcap
In a graduated beaker

Raise a glass for your health! Enjoy the show!

Palm Oil (California squeeze mix)

I love what you did with car commercial
When the girl gets splashed with platinum dust
She looks like a comet
So hot but made of ice
Like all the girls in California

You work too hard! You must be mature!

Warfarin Sodium

You never met the standards of a confectioner
What that means, exactly, is anybody's guess
But to flirt with having sweetness almost every single day
Can only cause a normal man duress
The birthday cake you made me was a poisoned one
(Actually the frosting, not the cake)
You must have spent a lot of time detesting me
And mandatory testing's a mistake

Guess who's in the VIP room? John (R)itter!

Forest Honey (natural vengeance)

I am Forest Honey and I don't appreciate
The killing of my friends
Or the numbers 6 and 8
I call upon the animals that live within the woods
To bite and take away from you
The ugly, bad, and goods

Quit being so hard on yourself! Try relaxation breathing!

Oat Bran

Bruce Willis uses a letter opener to seduce (P)esky Sales Associate
Mr. Willis fights his way to the ice cream through the hellish green jungles of Vietnam
Three of the new flavors are mixed with (h)eavy numbers
And Bruce needs to think about security
As he grows older
Because he has broken a lot of hearts
Through seduction
And just plain bad luck

You've broken your share of hearts. Heartbreaker.