Goldenrod

Not a root but a calling from childhood
"It's on the goldenrod"
Well it's time to set the record straight:
I was the one who sniffed the mimeograph ink and, yes, I got really high.
I was the one who left the popsicle stick in the yard (I don't remember doing it, but it had to have been me).
I let Tiffany out of the back yard the day she got hit by the car.
I took a swig of my dying father's opiate cocktail (and I'd do it again).

(B)orrow money from a friend. You shouldn't drink!

Haiku Dog Prozac

Cosmo is so calm
Like a weight has been lifted
Canine on psych meds

Who am I fooling
The dog is not suffering
This world is awful

Territorial
What beast of nature isn't?
West coast punk rocker!

Mentally healthy
My wish is to be the dog
Shitting in the yard

Ritter is a non-issue! Screw yourself!

John Ritter

this blog is finished
no more John (R)itter for you
no more nutrients

take real vitamins
and take good care of yourself
avoid (R)itter neck

Thanks for letting me inside you!


---joel

Oil of Avanese

I can already hear her buttering the (B)ird! Quality time is only rendered in the unsalted variety. Plankton breeds and grows until it blocks out the sun, starving the oceanic plants beneath the surface. This (B)ird never swooped down on a kelp bass. (B)ird never knew much until JOHN RITTER stepped up to the plate and took his punishment like a man.

Listening to the tide roll in can be therapeutic! (R)itter neck bonanza!

Oxygen, pt. II

John Ritter dances in heaven with Scarlett Plankton at the annual Scurvy Ball. Then Ritter says to Plankton, "I worked with Don Knotts.", and Plankton looks Ritter in the Ritter eye and melts just like a Hershey bar in a double-boiler. Ritter and Plankton got "cloud burns" after the Scurvy Ball, if you get my drift.

Believe what you read! Lies are transmitted through the ears!

Oxygen

"Goes in pretty fast, ya think?"
"Don't know...I can't stand the thought of either of the Seafood Sisters getting milked."
"But Carl really knows how to tug a teat; just gets in there and the moo-juice flows like crazy."
"I'm just worried about Sand-Dabs' nipples...they look really raw."
"Maybe it's time you stopped thinking about bovine ta-tas and started paying more attention to what I'm holding here in my hand..."
"Sure I worry about Sand-Dabs and Ms. Prawn...but you would too if you spent as much time as I have making patterns to sew the extra sack-cloth into supportive udder slings..."
"Take a look here...you ever seen something like this?"
"I just want to live in a world where fashion can be used as a weapon against animal cruelty."
"You're one sick son-of-a-bitch. Now watch this!"

Use dairy products that have been exposed to air. You know why!

Tea Tree Oil

Earl's shoe was tied so tightly that his foot felt all tingly and numb. While the rhythmic fuzzy sensation felt good at first, the feeling soon became painful. Thousands of fire ants or millions of little lightning bolts...that's what was happening to Earl's foot.

Use both hands to greet your friends! Ritter-Neck!

Comfrey Extract

poor resolution
twenty-two years of ghosting
one more dead drummer

helping Sally move
the mommy! mommy! story
was beyond creepy

you died where Bob died
in the Pomona E.R.
but you were the first

how is it that now
the calculus of lost friends
splits the screen in two?

Buy a starfruit! I promise!

Glucoronolactone (Red Bull)

Complex! Complex! Put your hands where your pants are and do the pocket dance! What? Stop! You can't rest quietly while going into this good night. You can't write poetry to your ex-wife and not have a little "flopsy-time" once the Gossamer Bay is gone!

Try saving your change! You'll be rich!

Sage

Well it seems like Prissy's flown the coop! That's the charge they're making, Scoop! Tell me now if Prissy's gone because I like to watch her mow the lawn. I thought you'd keep an eye on Prissy, but it seems like you did not. If I'd have kept an eye on Prissy, I would have what she has got. That is what I would have caught--all the things that Prissy bought.
(gets real slow and moody here)
Prissy was great with plants. On important issues she took a stance. And boy, could Prissy dance. Maybe that's why she took a chance and bought a ticket out of town. Maybe that's why she threw the notion of romance back into the face of the funny clown.
(picks up speed; almost frantic now)
Prissy Prissy! Prissy!! Blah blah blah! Busy busy busy! Ta ta ta! I missy missy missy! Lawn lawn lawn! Prissy Prissy Prissy! Lawn lawn lawn!

These nutrients are almost more nutritious when they "rock" out! Quit bathing!

Charles Shaw (tannins)

Blue-red debit card
A feast laid out in nature
Transient smell-test

Yellow-blue starlight
A map overlaid on coal
Freerider problems

Jacket-yellow bug
Coins toss well-water to you
Cold buildings follow

A corkscrew makes a good defensive weapon! Keep your guard up!

Kava Kava standardized extract (Piper methysticum) (root)

caca-poopoo
lee baca
caca-baca
chaka-baca
.......................................marshal, will, and holly.......

Meet you at the pylon!

Charcoal (activated)

The picture on Colonel Chapman's wall was most definitely me. I scarcely remember visiting Palm Springs, let alone driving one of the new Buicks. I do remember blowing through those red lights...the power and magic of simply slamming my right foot onto the pedal; feeling my calf cramping and hearing the engine give off magic sounds...sounds that (i)t was meant to make but nobody ever had the balls to give (i)t what (i)t wanted. Then I was at the Marriott Courtyard and you were bringing me really old magazines with Canada Dry ads and Revlon and Merit ads also. Your protests made me stop the car. I don't remember if it really was a Buick.

Activated charcoal is easy to make, just burn some toast! Buick!

Borage Seed Oil (old skool remix, featuring Carm'L)

When I'm all up inside you, yeah, I can feel your seeds
Your borage seed oil
Is what I need
I figure with the pressure
I can expel or expresser
You, ooh baby, you
You, ooh my baby, ooh--you
Ooh you, you, ooh baby, ooh
Yeah oh you, yes ooh
Now do I have to explain it, baby every night
Your borage seed oil
(to get it, ooh yeah) is the fight of my life
You know I'm always lovin' on you
'Cuz I know you're always holding
A drop or two
You, ooh baby, you
You, ooh my baby, ooh--you
Ooh you, you, ooh baby, ooh
Yeah oh you, yes ooh

Get out and dance now and then! You'll feel sexy!

Sage

Muskmelon derides crosshatch for the (N)ew (M)ineral. Catch a fish for the electorate and swallow your pride once again. Your idea of sharing is the distribution of gaffing sticks. For Christ's sake, don't take the pills! Your suicide is only a one-time event for you.

See you in Hell!

Borage Seed Oil, pt. IIa

Whatever you heard about Mr. Yucca Valley was incorrect. The prison didn't shut down because of money problems, like some would have you believe. The real demise of incinc was the "loose lips" that permeated the admin. While seemingly brutal, a nice "dirty war" would've kept us all in the dough.

This time you're the bagel dog! Finger yourself!

Dehydroepiandrosterone

The Queen gave a dinner in honor of Murray, unaware that wire barbeque brush had already begun its descent into Promodial Gesture Statute Entrophic Dissolution (PGSED). Could it have been the heat of the coals? All I know is that when the Queen hears about Murray's perforated duodenal wall, she'll simply write a check. Heck-Neck. Robert Palmer and John Ritter play Heck-Neck down in Heck. John Ritter uses wire barbeque brush on Robert Palmer's (N)eck. Queen plays scry and remembers her own experience with a (N)eck full of Ritter. Ritter-Fritter!

Try to be careful when reading hormones! Chances are, (R)itter (N)eck!

Borage Seed Oil, pt. II

The meanest guy in the prison was named "Lichen" and he was the charter inmate of Inc., Inc. In fact, he had (prior to his conviction for making a table out of a person) been the deciding vote on the Malwick County Board of Supervisors to contract with Inc., Inc. for a state-of-the-art maximum security prison. Lichen was unbelievably cruel to both his fellow inmates and the guards. He was known to give "the cold shoulder" and "the silent treatment" to those with whom he became cross.

That was truly Borage Seed Oil, pt. II. To be continued (prolonged)!

Opium

Home taping killed music.
My dogs won't shut up.
Home taping killed music and my dogs just won't shut up.
I used to like music (prior to it being killed) and I still like my dogs (less, though, than when they were quiet).
If music had not been killed, I would put some on to drown out the dog sounds.
But my records have decayed, their worn jackets epitaphs.
And my dogs...they just won't shut up.

Take yourself out on a date! It's cheap and it's fun!

Cod Liver Oil

Mr. Shiny says, "Dew drops are mercurial and rock music is a tool of the conservatives to keep the kids hoping they never become us." Seems like all the "C" words are taking on lives of their own. They grow up so fast.

Kiss a fish!