L-Theanine

I was wearing my macho outfit from Big 5

And you had on those tasty cut-offs

We could have gone hiking but we did not

We could have made love

Right then and there

But we did not

Instead we got to killing

Killing those who'd wronged us

You used my dead dad's fillet knife

On Oscar Latte and his wife

I burned a car full of teenage girls

And then I eviscerated Uncle Earl

Then the night was over and we were covered in blood

But Dr. Bronner's soap erased the sinful crud

It was only in those times that I felt alive

In my macho outfit from Big 5

Your dead relatives have fishing gear. Go catch a pike, you stupid fucks!

Organically Bound Minerals (with kelp)

She asked me about four times if I was a cop

I told her she was the cop and that she smelled good

She asked me why I thought she was an undercover cop

I told her I had connections in the force and that I thought she was pretty hot

She asked again if I was a cop and I said, yeah I'm a cop

She said she was a cop, too

I said yeah, I know and I'm pretty sure I love you

She reached beside her hip and pulled her Tazer out

She removed the dart cartridge and pressed the steel prongs of the main unit into my ribs

I told her again that I loved her and she leaned in and kissed me

It was an awkward kiss that was so soft and genuine that my heart fucking melted

She pulled back and smiled while she reholstered her Tazer

We've been together for over a week now and I really think it's gonna work

Never forget that you're being deceived! Arrest your genitals for crimes against humanity.

5-HTP

So you got the results of your chest X-Ray?

-Yeah. They said it didn't show anything.

So you don't have ribs or a spine?

-Well I'm sure it showed those things.

Then what's with the fucking lies? Why can't they straight up tell you that your chest X-Ray showed a whole bunch of stuff like ribs and a spine?

-I'm thinking they meant there were no abnormal findings with my chest X-Ray. I am fairly certain I have a spine, some ribs, and all the other stuff.

Yeah, but they planted that seed of doubt. I think that's pretty fucked up. What did they say about your lab results?

Use corn starch to thicken gravy. You are empty!

DHEA (not Powdered Glass)

You gave me DHEA outside of Cabo San Lucas

And told me it was crushed glass in gelatin capsules

Those were the days when I took whatever pills you would give me

Because I controlled you by being submissive

I could tell you were lying about the pills

I have scientific eyes and a tongue that senses shifts in pill-weights

Now we do not travel together because you live in another state

Where the FDA lets you misrepresent supplements

I am no longer in control after standing up to you

And my scientific eyes miss your warm smile

And my tongue longs for the uneven weights of those gelatin capsules

Take at least fourteen pills right now. Be careful if you are part Mexican!