Doublemint (mintus mintus)

Laboratory Nine was a joke
Vials of clown blood
And a ferris wheel centrifuge
Shared the soapstone counter
With Pam Dawber's mummified hand
Test results were scrawled in crayon on the backs of thrift store receipts
By two floppy-shoed lab techs who smoked those flavored cigars

Your skin is "Disney Dry" today!

Starflower

Hurricane force Santa Ana winds
Pulled the stop sign from its moorings
As if it were some sort of ship
Oh, were you on the Stop Sign cruise to Lazaro Cardenas?
They had a Baja Fresh "rauntlet" which is like a restaurant outlet.
Anyway, the sign part of the sign (not the post)
Was flying around the San Fernando Valley like a Frisbee
And it hit a U.S. Navy admiral's rented Kia Rio
Just below the passenger side mirror
Causing $382.00 worth of damage
Not covered by the supplemental insurance
Roadsigns bring messages to you and for that
We are not liable.

So the real story is the post
And what happened when the weak zinc-alloy bolts
Gave up the battle to keep the sign part of the sign attached
And the twenty-two pound wooden spear
Broke the sound barrier as it whizzed along Balboa Blvd.
Until bouncing and splintering on the sidewalk
In front of a full-sized Baja Fresh Restaurant

Time the people around you to find out if they are lazy! Lazy fuckers!

Borage Seed Oil IV: (Re)venge of the Borage

Church van atrocities
Ceramic capacitors
Rod Serli(ng)

Our agency understands your need
For borage seed oil
And will review your proposal

We pull away from each other
To protect god knows what
(Ma)kes the clock spin

And again we meet at the crime scene
Near the last payphone in America
To dodge the floating eyeball

Use shame as an astringent. You use shame as an astringent.

Quercitannic Acid

You had your Big Lots headphones
And I had country music
You took off your hook-skirt
And I began to use it
I was catching fish
With the cloth of your skirt
And you were pulling up bait
From the cold damp earth

Try fishing with your lady! Mega-sexual!

Dinoflagellates (Rattus Claustrophobis)

Dean Martin was a better man than Jerry Lewis
Whatever that means
Like the contrast between a Wurlitzer and a Filben
Fact is: that person already knows
So to what end does one compare
Two filthy jukeboxes?

Save your dimes! They're yours!

Carbomer

Within six hours of the comet tail's brief brush with Earth's mesosphere
All mammals stopped breathing and died
Except for the monotremes
Two weeks had passed since the die-off
By then the spiny anteaters had formed patrols
And fenced off their communities
As protection from the platypus gangs
Neither had much interest in firearms or pharmaceuticals
Are you still reading?

When things don't seem like they'll work out, give up!

ProVitamins

I will not let you tell me
That you are anti-vitamin
If you use words I will block my ears
If you write it on a steno pad I will claw out my eyes
If you make an imbedded video I will do any number of terrible things
To not let you tell me
That you are anti-vitamin

Hold an ice cube against your closed eyelid until your eye starts to ache. Feels awful!

Sage (vein matching)

The grainy cell phone video
Showed us the Asner we feared
Head tilted back and jaws like a beartrap
Ed's razor-sharp incisors made quick work of the prostitute's favorite (deleted)
When Sony executive Lance (deleted) worm-chowdered an entire gymnasium we held our collective (Asner) until the police helicopters stopped (deleted) crow
Fortunately we had both used our pro-depressant gauze vests we stole from the evidence locker
Leaving us with popcorn in our teeth and (deleted) semen

Try making your next pot of (deleted) using your colon for a Crockpot!

Naphthenic Acid (Rod McKuen's Incendiary Labcoat)

When you think of how big a cloud is
You have to think that it can only be
As big as your wishes make it
How big do you wish the cloud to be?
Or some other McKuenesque nonsense
Said to marginalize concepts like mass and propulsion
And old Rod did not pull his punches when it came
To matters of science and his disdain for right angles
So it will come as no surprise when everything ends
That we will exist in a world of clouds
As big as we can wish them

Try not to cry yourself to sleep. Stay awake and cry.

Airborne Rabies

You bring me the latest issue of Housebat Management Quarterly
Along with my morning coffee
It is exactly this level of thoughtfulness
That I find so attractive
I am only halfway through the article about the cave in Texas
When I see that you are suffering from airborne rabies
You switch modes rapidly
From rigid animal silhouette
To a herky-jerky dancer
This Housebat Management Quarterly article will have to wait
While I run inside to put on my dancing shoes
And get a little towel to wipe the froth from your cheek

If the planes are really quiet and flying low, stay outdoors and breathe deeply!

Shilajit

Steve Landesberg passed away last month
Old Steve had a great gift
He could set three quarters on the back of his hand
And flip them so they all landed on heads
The good times were aplenty when spending them with Landy
His wry wit could turn any bad mood around
He was more than a veteran character actor
In fact he hated that label
Steve Landesberg was not usually a violent man
But he never backed down from a fight
Whether in a train station restroom
Or in a backlot trailer with his pants around his thighs
Landy knew how to step things up a notch
He learned how to kill in Korea
And brought those skills home with him
Unlike the child he fathered while stationed there
Jung Park finally made it to the United States
Two days late for his biological father's funeral services
Jung had never met Landy in person
They had written several letters over the years
And had recently been emailing back and forth (using computers)
Neither man had ever claimed to have eaten human flesh
Because neither had done so or felt compelled to lie and say they had
Jung could taste his own tears streaming down his face
Tears shed for the loss of a veteran character actor
Who happened to be his dead biological father

Go see a movie about your dad! Probably "Jaws" or a Peter Fonda film.

Medical Marijuana

Smoke medical marijuana
Eat medical Cheetos
Eat medical Milk-Duds

Congratulations and welcome
To the world of the medicated
You are in good company

Our bodies, though resilient
Are mobile catastrophes
Like a city bus fleet

Not to imply that your bus is medicated
Or that your lack of motivation
Is from smoking pot

And that words like "repurposing" and "trending"
Have taken away your choice in these matters
Because we are all doctors, linguists, or mechanics

Your grocery list is an obituary!

Geritol

my god you are old
which makes life friendly or mean
because of your pain

Think about your own death tonight. But then forget it and have some microwave popcorn!

Human Breast Milk

You've been drinking human breast milk
Purchased from a lactating real estate agent
She says the money will tide her over
Until she gets Buick running again
Because it's hard to make a living selling homes
With the market the way it is
And it's hard to meet the right kinds of people
With the world being such a mess

Use a woman as a sofa! Don't eat lunch on the sofa!

Plum

you ask for a plum
Wyoming sings through her teeth
how's about a plum?

You're a stonefruit. Even now!

Hibiscus (Andy Garcia Innocence Project)

Most of the "short-leathers" had figured out the Andy Garcia lottery scam before they were too deep into it and got out. The "loop-trippers" were not so astute. Most of the loops had maxed out their credit cards and borrowed against their retirements. By the time the first investigative news story broke about the Andy scratchers having worthless prizes (Circuit City gift cards and signed self-portraits of Gary Coleman) the leathers had taken their damage and moved on to the Ron Howard 3D Career College scam. The loops had gone completely ballistic, burning effigies of Andy and shouting, "Andy! We're burning effigies of you!"

Use life's lessons to strengthen your Garcias.

Ghanty Root (Muerte "ganto")

Death was third in line at the animal shelter drive-through window
His AMC Matador stalled, even after he did the gas pedal trick
The trick had always worked before
You wait five seconds...tap the pedal until you heard the whir
Then ease up, but not all the way
The Mexican guys in the car behind him helped push him to a parking space
And Death knew his workday was shot

42 dogs and 64 cats zoomed through the air that day,
Whiskers to the wind and smiling!

Kangen Water (rare nutrient alert!)

drink Kangen Water
I hear it is pretty rare
for a nutrient
Kangen Water piss
is the best piss you can buy
if you're buying piss

Hold close the ones you love. Sentence write in order wrong!

Ester-C

autosaved draft post
pokes through shipshape mud
in the peristaltic ocean
we go seaward hopeful
islands with cartoon deer
will beckon us to port
onboard your coffee reeks
like arguing skunks
but it warms our hands
a return to list of posts

Gently put bleach in your eye: It stings!