Aluminum

Twenty minutes into Antiques Roadshow
We realize it's a repeat
And that woman from Vermont
Got tricked into buying a vase
And she cries about what she spent
Because she thought it was something other
Than a very beautiful vase

Massage can be too enticing. Try oral first!

Arachnid Pheromones

eight-legged dancer
controlling men through her scent
such a good woman

Try a different religion. Your god is stupid!

Guarine Sauce (Palenque Tribal Recipe)

George W. Bush forwards an email to Robert Plant
The original sender, James Spader, will one day become an actor
Spader has written to President Bush asking for forgiveness
Bush assumes Spader is seeking a "dull needle" and forwards the email
Plant is outraged
Outraged

You try writing this shit. I feel empty.

Croton Oil

So there we were
All lined up like Nazi milktrucks leaving the dairy
Five kids being questioned
About a Popsicle stick left in the yard
It didn't just walk there on its own
Dad being clever

My brother Mark
Textbook example of the Adlerian middle-child
Stepped up and took the blame
And the rest of us were released
While Dad and Mark walked, purposefully
To the garage

Aerate your potting soil with shards of glass! Seed protection!

Bad Chianti

dark house
sleeping wife
cat's on the chair
bad chianti
in a very nice glass
no complaints from me

Aspartame is tumor dust! Use public transportation!

ce dangereux supplément

James Earl Jones drinks too much
And uses science to lure Festival Rats
To his little show
The juggling bear, Edward, has always loved
Lengthy Llama
And Kanga has a special gift
For Pesky Primate
And all the while
James measures out his nightcap
In a graduated beaker

Raise a glass for your health! Enjoy the show!

Palm Oil (California squeeze mix)

I love what you did with car commercial
When the girl gets splashed with platinum dust
She looks like a comet
So hot but made of ice
Like all the girls in California

You work too hard! You must be mature!

Warfarin Sodium

You never met the standards of a confectioner
What that means, exactly, is anybody's guess
But to flirt with having sweetness almost every single day
Can only cause a normal man duress
The birthday cake you made me was a poisoned one
(Actually the frosting, not the cake)
You must have spent a lot of time detesting me
And mandatory testing's a mistake

Guess who's in the VIP room? John (R)itter!

Forest Honey (natural vengeance)

I am Forest Honey and I don't appreciate
The killing of my friends
Or the numbers 6 and 8
I call upon the animals that live within the woods
To bite and take away from you
The ugly, bad, and goods

Quit being so hard on yourself! Try relaxation breathing!

Oat Bran

Bruce Willis uses a letter opener to seduce (P)esky Sales Associate
Mr. Willis fights his way to the ice cream through the hellish green jungles of Vietnam
Three of the new flavors are mixed with (h)eavy numbers
And Bruce needs to think about security
As he grows older
Because he has broken a lot of hearts
Through seduction
And just plain bad luck

You've broken your share of hearts. Heartbreaker.

Fluoxetine

War photographer finds Native Americans everywhere:
I think I'm looking through air, but I'm not. I'm looking through Native Americans.
Airline pilot puts American Indians in his travel bag:
They're handy to have around. I don't know what I'd do without American Indians.
Archaeologist keeps First Nation corpse-parts in a university basement:
I like to think that the First Nation watches me when I'm dressing. Ooh, I get goose-pimples!

There's a man in your bathroom! (P)illow-fight!

Forest Honey

You've got dried leaves stuck to your back
Raccoons ate the trail mix in your pack
Out here in the woods I'm gonna spend my money
A direct deposit to you, Forest Honey
You smelled of the city when you first arrived
Of the four that came, you're the one that survived
I never meant to hurt any one of the others
It's just that they looked so much like my mother
chorus:
Forest Honey tastes so sweet
Dark and sticky
Made by bees
Bees of the forest
Wilder than most
Forest Honey, great on toast
Forest Honey, I love you the best
You're the only one that passed my test
Like a proud country's flag, you're on top of the pole
You've got a city girl's body, but a Forest Honey soul
chorus

All things natural are completely safe! Consequence is natural!

Sodium Laureth Sulfate

early whaling ships
decks darkened with rendered fat
saturated black

Try mixing some lye into your Red Bull. You can be soap!

Yeast (1983 (R)emix)

Brad and Ned built a bed
On which their critter would sleep
Though Critter was rested
The bed got infested
With (r)emnants of (R)itter the creep

You used to collect action figures! How faggy!

Yeast

I watched you fall in love
and you grew up so fast after that
Brad filled you with drugs
and then
you took off with him
to Wyoming
where you both cared for his sick mother
who faked her sickness to control Brad's love for you
and then when you found out
you left him and got sober
and Brad started a blog
writing haiku about the Civil War
and for some reason he is immensely popular
his first post is the best:
Haiku North vs. South
musket prevention
soft potato for dinner
boll weevil sour cream
and the fact is that Brad writes each post
hoping that you catch on to the key words
like war

You are now free to remove the candle from up inside your ass! Ass is a key word!

Sesame Oil

you have grown a protective beard
kind of an atmosphere for your face and self
protecting you from a certain space
a space that does not have the decency to be empty
a space that has your fingerprints all over it
making you ashamed you were ever tempted to touch
but your beard deflects the comet-dust of shame
spraying it back at your new enemies as shrapnel
and your new enemies, confused, wish you the best

Time heals all wounds. So fucking untrue.

Rye Flour

the other night I thought about praying
and how I would have to put my hands together
and slide them them slowly into a zoo animal
named "Kanga"
and how Kanga would turn her cartoon head
and Kanga's eyes would turn milky white
like that chick from the Omega Man
when (H)eston thinks he's home free
when he thinks to himself
"I'm the last man and she's the last woman...ooh yeah"
and then she pops up from behind the couch
milky-eyed women always poppin' up and scaring
the last man

Your liberty was costly, but worth it. I think you're (H)eston!

Fennel Seeds (Hulled using reverse-nitrogen flushing)

Watching the car chase on channel 9 last night
Was totally relaxing
It reminded me of when I used to watch the aquarium downstairs
At the house in Massachusetts, when (f)amily happened
The neon tetras were the best
Until pleistophora hyphessobryconis
Tore through the tank
And as if pleistophora hyphessobryconis
Found its way into channel 9
The red and the blue stopped
As the chase ended

People in Boston have mob ties! Mob ties!

Calcium Citrate

Why did we move from Whimsy, California?
Was it the increasing number of deer ticks?
Was it the independent rock band that got lost in our mountains?
(Rumor has it, the remains were found but ignored)
Or were things just too damned simple in Whimsy?
Haiku Complicated Life
pills for depression
tax sheltered annuity
tipsy death marches

Limes have bones! Try milking yourself!

Magma

You push for Pitt
While trampling my art
You obscure your Jennifers
While defiling yourself
A declaration of war is in order
A war on your thoughts
Because you are a man who wears tights
And while disgusted
I am delighted

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