Lunar Caustic

your stapler is a Bostich
your sweatshirt looks exhausted
and you're beating me to death
with your Elisabeth Kübler-Ross stick
you started out agnostic
your friends all said you lost it
but you and me shared secrets
while we sucked down lunar caustic

Your friends are not nice. They use Swinglines!

Cobalt Chloride (from heterosexuals)

heterosexist
VIP room in Texas
the DJ is mad

these trendy clubs
confused desire in the dubs
drugged desperation

use cobalt chloride
heterosexual pride
fork, spoon, and steak knife

Take a heterosexual to dinner. Take a homosexual to breakfast!

Myrrh

you brought me myrrh
we sold it to some potheads
and told them it was myrrh
they were admitted through the ER
for kidney irritation, skin rash, and diarrhea
holiday devil box
holiday devil box
please take the box of myrrh

Wrap your gifts with sheep casings! Bring your neighbor a slice of demon!

Oxalic Acid (from Spinach)

Warren Beatty (male) hired a (female) nurse
with expertise in the application
of healing poultice
he (Mr. Beatty) made "sorrow chorizo" from scratch
and used gauze for the casing
his (Warren) will was broken
allowing for the nurse (woman) to straddle him (him)
and apply the healing poultice
to his (Warren) gauzy chorizo

Spend all your money. Listen to AM radio.

Rennet Substitute

think of cheese as a high school football coach
which makes rennet his filthy acquisition
the coach is full of rennet
the coach takes rennet from the unwilling
the coach destroys the innocence of the young
cheese is the coach

Please don't let your kids play organized sports! I love pizza!

Funnel Cake

Comfort and Survival
walk into a bar
The bartender asks Comfort
"What'll it be?"
Comfort takes a long look at the drink specials board and says,
"Something comforting"
Survival, meanwhile
Shoots and kills a deer
Providing venison to last through the harsh winter

Use your friends like underwear. Only change them when forced by society!

Mycoprotein

I brought my mycoprotein to the "Horoshi Dance Bar"
and was told to leave by three men and a girl-child
The girl-child's name was "Spider"
The three men were named "Matthew" and "Carl"
Spider used a basket for transportation
and had an allergy to hay
Matthew and Carl walked back into the bar
and I dumped Spider onto the sidewalk
which was more like a horizontal concrete window

Go out dancing once in a while. You seem unhappy!

Fish Oil (from fish)

These fish are dry.
Has "Big Oil" fracked our fish?
Or are we negative trending?

Nutrients seem harder to come by.
Harder to come by.
Come by. Sometime.

I know about the mugs and shirts.
And the third-stage smog alerts.
We will just get our desserts and go.

For saying a lot, I sure do beat around the bush!

Cane Sugar Spirits

rum ghosts
leave molasses on my neurons
before the ghosts escape from my face
(actually from behind my face)
and I have everything I want
except for what the ghosts
took from my face

Drink rum tonight. Drink rum tomorrow night!

L-tryptophan

we lost our stomachs for the hunt on the first night
when Buddy Lawrence made a knife out of a magazine
and repeatedly stabbed an aging map of Pasadena

one of those LED lightbars from Home Depot stopped working
and we had to recruit our nephew to hold up a Coleman lantern
the smell of white gas reigniting childhood memories intentionally forgotten

we were able to bury Kristy McNichol's ratty pantsuit
with little resistance from the historical society's busybodies
once we replaced the protective Lexan® viewing shield

Apologize to General Electric today. Your family already knows you're sorry.

Bison

The pressure is coming in from the front
Above and below
It is a wave you cannot escape
Even in your bison dress-pants
And even with your hot plain tan
The bison will take the day's victory

All hail the mighty bison!

Ethylene Glycol

We drink ethylene glycol
And play union games until dawn
You always win at "Beat the Scab"
I always opt out by playing my Disability Retirement card
Which you say is cheating
But it saves me from crossing the line
And getting the crap beat out of me

Drink ethylene glycol. No. Stop. Do not drink ethylene glycol!

Stachybotrys Chartarum

I am a black mold
I am most like my father
He was a black mold

When my father drank
He was most like a black mold
I am like that, too

Fathers and their sons
Play this fungal trading game
Black mold for the win

Our memories help keep the departed alive. How horrible!

Darmstadtium

we needed front tires
we needed new brakes
and a little motivation
to get us through the day
we got a vegetable box
and a growler of beer
we paid some old bills
and watched the day disappear

Don't forget to set your clocks back tonight! Time is no longer in control of itself.

Goji Berry

thirty years is a long time
for a friend to stay dead
so I sit here and imagine
if he were to be briefly reanimated,
that dead friend would likely say one of the following things:

1. I am hungry for Pup'n'Taco
2. Death is boring but relaxing
3. Heaven has a shitty music scene

Number 3 for sure. Nobody really liked Pup'n'Taco.

Boracium (from plants)

You get your boracium from plants
Your pants are disgusting
Why won't you obey the Elders?
I'm pulling an "Aztec Parent" maneuver on you
Replacing the gasoline in your motorbike
With Cranapple
Diet Cranapple

Respect the Elders. Drink fake juice!

Acidic Bog-Water

Jupiter is a planet
Adidas is a shoe
One is larger than the Earth
The other is a shoe
The Outback is a steakhouse
A cupcake is a cake
One serves awful food to jerks
The other is a cake

Late at night I dream of the final battle. Bodies of men. Head of cattle.

Phosphorous

when you were just small
you took apart my Zippo
cylindrical flints
the wick left smudges
oily soot on your fingers
you ruined my lighter

Childhood is temporary. Adulthood is temporary.

Sodium Benzoate

you taught me hate
sodium benzoate
you slapped my date
sodium benzoate
you broke my left arm
and I cried out loud
sodium benzoate
sodium benzoate

Use surgery to mend your abdomen. You have the infection!

Jean Anouilh (fenugreek)

your book is really funny
I read it every night
your deep interpretations
make me feel all right
I want to get to know you
but you have passed away
I think you might have been a bore
anyway

Your spice mixes lack freshness. You lack the "zammo" flavor that we all desire. Zammo!