Castrol 20-50

You blocked me in to my own driveway

And then the joke grew thin

No laughs or pointing fingers

You had seriously lost your mind

I called the police and they had you move your car

You called me a pussy the next night at Michael J's

And then it was all laughs

Because you had the gift

Of pulling the long con

We all figured you were right

It was kind of funny in a terror kind of way

And we obeyed you

You had the intellect and power over pop culture

You were politically astute

We all tried to become you in one way or another

But I knew in a deeper level

You had reached your apex and had nowhere to go

But down

There were those who hung on

But over the decades you started talking to yourself

You would excuse yourself and pace the parking lot

Arguing and smoking nonstop

By then you only had a few followers

Who couldn't stand watching you lose your mind

But they kept watch

Distant but almost available

When I heard you died in a fiery car crash

I could only admire your perfection

In choosing a suicide utterly unproveable

I could say I miss you

But it's not you that I really miss

I miss the person I was

The gullible and diligent lieutenant

Who followed you into dark places

And defended you against the inevitable enemies

I miss being led into oblivion

By a super-smart bastard who never stood a chance

And met a fitting end

Don't order the giant burger. It is truly a burger meant for Giants.

Iron (rusted)

You borrowed my moth

And drove it better than I ever could have

So now I have to hug you

It's not that I don't understand

I was "resting on my laurels"

Whatever the heck that means

But the basic idea is that my lack of impetus

Gave you the right to co-opt my moth privileges

You are correct

I was too wrapped up in my own moth

To see that I had a real moth

But now I am a moth

And you have crossed the line

Basically driving like a moth

Leave moth people alone. They are not always car moth.

Clam Juice (organic clam)

You showed me your shell collection

They were all clam shells

Which is great

But not impressive

You started to tell me about clam variety

And while I verbally agreed

I mentally thought you were stupid

Now had you introduced the collection

As a clam shell collection

Instead of a shell collection

I would have considered you a genius

But you chose the wrong words

And that is unforgivable

Think about your words. You may be dealing with an asshole!

Zinc: Redux in Blue

You give me that fish-face

The one where you're mad

And have the face of a fish

Not an exotic or prehistoric fish

But a trout or a bass

A normal fish face

So I respond by taking a bait-stance

The stance I take when I fear your madness

And I become a salmon egg

At the end of a treble hook

And we come together in violence

Your lip, gill, or throat is now pierced

And though you may taste me

You will die before I can become a part of you

And the god that has orchestrated this

Drinks Hamm's and thinks his son might be gay

Fishing for rainbow trout with your son? Brown trout might be the ticket.

Calcium Citrate

Matt Damon brings flowers to Matthew Broderick

Nicholas Cage brings restrictions to Nick Nolte

The pictue hangs crooked

Perhaps the walls are not true

Or maybe things just aren't right

I could give you a parade of celebrities

And cloak the meaning of this nutrient in wordplay

But at the end of the day

We are left with an artwork askew

And a smokescreen of distractions

To hide something so simple and forgiveable

Use wall anchors to protect your drywall. Insurance is a lie.

Zinc 15mg

You brought me the zinc and the strength was 15 milligrams

I listed the actors I know:

Jack Nicholson

Tom Cruise 

Tom Hanks

Tom Sawyer

Tom Collins

Tom Boy

And then I looked to see if the capsules were gelatin

And they were

Zinc has been proven to cure disease. So why are we so sick?

Zinc: Things Have Changed

The cats are dead

They were better to me than I was to them

I do not miss them so I must be an asshole

The oldest dog is dead

She had a name, but it makes me cry to say it

The name is/was Ruby

I can write it and not cry

Which says a lot

As far as the relation to zinc

There is none

I just miss my girl

Most of the life around you will not outlive you. Congratulations.

Zinc: Children of Zinc

You had your brother's Bob Dylan albums

Wrapped in butcher paper

Like they were meat or lamb

And you had work done on your nose

So it's a sure bet that nobody should trust you

I had used an Arby's coupon

As kind of a fake tattoo

But nothing like a real tattoo

In fact I lied and there was no coupon or tattoo

Your nose is like meat or lamb! Your brother was a great man.

Zinc. Regular

We left Portsmith with our memories intact

No creatures from an extremist Hell cursed our thoughts

Or so we thought

We got home and the ice maker started to rumble

Cubes of frozen blood destroyed our old fashioneds

The devil did a devil dance to mock our illusion of safety

If only we had known

That a house without prayer is the Devil's home

We'd have rented instead

We'd have avoided the headaches and rented instead

Use tramadol to control moderate pain. Continue living for moderate pain.

Zinc. Just fucking zinc.

We got the zinc through Amazon Prime

Fast delivery in a large box

We have never been happier

Every day since the delivery

We have discovered new things about our selves

And each other

Every night we give each other the "zincy" eye

And are comforted that once we run out

The next batch of zinc is only a click away

Use zinc on your cock. If you fail to have a cock, use zinc on a pan or a plate.

Black Box Interactions

She asked me if it was coming in from the sides

and that kind of question only meant one thing

I told her that everything would be okay

and she gave a little laugh and said "not likely"

She had been off her meds for almost three months

and told me daily about how good she felt

"My mind is unclogged" and "I can finally feel again"

and I purposely believed her because the alternative is way too sad

Nobody even noticed when she had restarted her meds

the doctors were exactly where we had left them

She tries to tell me that things are better now

and I think a hidden thought inside, "not likely"

Use a caring look to see past the abyss. It never really works now, does it?

Sapphire Dust

You brought gemstones into this house

Against my wishes

Ignoring my commands

And now we've got Demons

Demons with devil hands

I tried to warn you

Because I knew you'd break the rule

And now we're being dragged down into hell

The light is refracting

From the fires you meant to start

And the Demons are smiling

Cutting opals into hearts

So this leaves the both of us

At the beck and call of minions

But I've got to admit

I'm starting to like these diamonds

Use a clamp to close your hole. Please close that hole.

Never Mind the Bullocks

You talk about losing your center

News Flash: You have no center

You panic with the belief you are untethered

None of us is Sandra Bullock (except, of course, Sandra Bullock)

Like meat right off the grill

We all need to give it a rest

And once rested our juices will find purchase within our cells

Giving us a sense of fullness

And it is this which allows us to put the gun down

To put the knife down

To put the Extra Strength Tylenol back into the medicine cabinet

And wake up tomorrow with the same dumb illusion

Of a center

Of a norm

You are dumb. We are dumb and must abandon the fear of what we are!

Nuvigil

I took a half tab of Nuvigil

So I wouldn't fall asleep and die on my drive home

But now I'm wired

Legally wired out of my fucking gourd

And I want it to stop

I want to feel tired and normal

Hell, I've always wanted to feel normal

Even though the medical community

Has deemed me eligible for sanctioned drugging

And even though they want me to take this shit daily

It's been three months since my last use

And now I remember why I've avoided it

Yeah, this nutrient sucks. I know.

And maybe it just tells you straight up what's happening

Which makes for a bland analytic

But I have nothing else to give you

Other than a glimpse into my discomfort

And yeah, I could explain my sleep disorder

But that wouldn't change my current experience

Nor would it change my decision to stay alive on my drive home

But it may assuage my self judgment

By fishing for platitudes

Using a barbed #12 treble hook

Loaded with Pautskes Balls of Fire and a touch of Zekes

Use drugs on fish! You are what you eat!

Ethanol (Fitness Edition)

We had the whole tease scenario down

You were going to wear a wig

And I was going to be the unreadable CHP supervisor

But it turned out that just the two of us showed up

And I fumbled the prepared lines

And your wig reminded us of an old friend

We ended up watching television

But we didn't kill anyone

And we didn't start a regional conflict

And we didn't establish a refugee camp

Unable to meet the needs of the influx of refugees

We should always be suspicious of scripted orgasms. Sex on the beach, hell yeah!

Mag 64

I saw your mom's house for sale on Realtor.com

So I looked at the 17 exclusive photos

And My breath caught in my throat when I saw the layout

Your kitchen was the same kitchen I had seen

When your mom would go off to work the night shift

it's been 33 years and oh shit

The living room is the same

Not like "memory same" but exact same

Like we could still be there on the floor

Navigating the denim barriers

That separate dry humping from the real thing

The exclusive photos left me haunted

Our teenage ghosts had waited there to ambush me

Either you or your mother had left a trap for me

She, from the grave

You, from your broken heart

And I applaud the both of you

For successfully freaking the living fuck out of me

Buy a house and start it on fire. Please start yourself on fire.

Adrene Vive (an Ortho Molecular product)

funeral pudding was your thing for a while
before you got caught up with that neo-vaudeville crew
now you sing and dance for any lichen or scarab beetle
is funeral pudding what I meant to say?

Haiku Funeral Pudding
emulsified air
equal and even pressure
like breathing pudding

so we miss you around here
well, not so much miss you and more like hate you
when you left us we suffocated
maybe that neo-vaudeville thing was just a front

Don't drink bottled water. Lichens will never help you.

Avitaminosis (Coppy Coppy Pinchy)

you seemed nervous
too nervous to be headlining a festival
who is your handler?
are you properly handled?
if I handled you
there would be reviews
using words like "groundbreaking"
but others are handling you
and they disrespect your breasts
and they disrespect your femininity
but I must be as guilty as your handlers
because I claim to know what's best for your breasts
and what's best for your femininity
so I stand here, guilty as charged
but dear lord, just play your music

A tit is a bird! A milky fucking sex bird!

Variola Major

We joined the Wound Boy ashram
To chant the battle cry
We raised our voice for Wound Boy
Lord please don't let him die
Wound Boy is a natural boy
Born of love
Born of joy
We chanted in the evening
To save the Wound Boy's life
If he had just been strong enough
He wouldn't have broken out with plum-sized pustules that were firm and non-weeping
And spiked a high fever and scabbed over
With those scabs falling off
Like little brown potato crisps
Infecting thousands
That would, in turn, infect thousands
Wound Boy is a single boy
Without a wife
What woman would marry
The unwitting destroyer of humankind?
Not any woman with a strong sex drive
And a deep respect for virology

Meditate at least once a year. Use Barbecue Flavor Pringles® as a Eucharist alternative!

Ethanol (transfused twins mix)

Transfused Twins Cooperative initiates
like a frat or a soror
between eight people
they were 1132 lbs.
the particular batch of sauce
overwhelmed their combined weights
causing two to convulse
and lose respiratory control
their epigloti in spasm
but the bond amongst the survivors solidified
the parents would sue the college
the survivors blaming youth
the Devil chuckling about another win
and bed control in Heaven making room
for some fresh new recruits
the survivors having the awful job
of finishing out their lives

Drink yourself to death! Heaven's got open beds!

Borage Oil (remembering the good times)

We justified the expense like champs

Another three hundred a month was doable

And hell, we watched the news

Our Pendleton custom gun safe

Was built-in to attract minimal attention

You wouldn't know it from a closet!

The humidity controls meant fewer oilings

And the LED illumination system meant "no dark corners"

And hell, we could see through the government lies

I found you motionless at the base of its door

Two-inch thick stainless steel with custom beveled edges

To reduce vacuum-lock and enhance the clearly superior craftsmanship

Use a broken wineglass to accentuate your proposals. A results-driven argument provides tangible outcomes!

Byokuro Leaf

You brought dried human dandies
To Ceremony Club
The protective buffer worked for a short time
But then you belonged to us again

We had you wear the Alec Baldwin mask
At Ceremony Club
You, like Alec, could really work a crowd
Then we killed you with sharpened sticks

We stood over the gore that was once you
And decided to start a new club
You seemed to agree
By the simple act of drying into human dandies

Try shutting off a little more every day. Repeat until done!

Vitamin A(sshole)

the machine is gone
now you want to talk turkey
may be too late, babe

the vacuum goes here
the needle beneath the wing
draining will be quick

I can't help but feel
that none of these birds will fly
their insides so dry

rather than take air
we can duck beneath them, babe
illusions of flight

so we lie in bed
the comforter above us
dried birds topping it

this is day, and night
desiccation preempted
freeze dried thanksgivings

When the machine is gone, we are empty. We are birds, babe.

Pike Oil

When I think about the trajectories of our lives

I remember our past selves planning our combined futures

And though we are not together, neither emotionally nor geographically

I feel it has worked out exactly as we planned

Because we will die apart

Having constructed new stories with our current partners

So that they will bear the brunt of our individual downfalls

Thus suffering from decades-long bonds now broken

Bonds inevitability garnered through hard-fought trust and caring

All of which our past selves have no stake in

The heavy lifting having been done by others

Our future selves never having been in on the joke

Draw a circle and write your name in the center. Yup. You're a narcissist.

L-Theanine

I was wearing my macho outfit from Big 5

And you had on those tasty cut-offs

We could have gone hiking but we did not

We could have made love

Right then and there

But we did not

Instead we got to killing

Killing those who'd wronged us

You used my dead dad's fillet knife

On Oscar Latte and his wife

I burned a car full of teenage girls

And then I eviscerated Uncle Earl

Then the night was over and we were covered in blood

But Dr. Bronner's soap erased the sinful crud

It was only in those times that I felt alive

In my macho outfit from Big 5

Your dead relatives have fishing gear. Go catch a pike, you stupid fucks!

Organically Bound Minerals (with kelp)

She asked me about four times if I was a cop

I told her she was the cop and that she smelled good

She asked me why I thought she was an undercover cop

I told her I had connections in the force and that I thought she was pretty hot

She asked again if I was a cop and I said, yeah I'm a cop

She said she was a cop, too

I said yeah, I know and I'm pretty sure I love you

She reached beside her hip and pulled her Tazer out

She removed the dart cartridge and pressed the steel prongs of the main unit into my ribs

I told her again that I loved her and she leaned in and kissed me

It was an awkward kiss that was so soft and genuine that my heart fucking melted

She pulled back and smiled while she reholstered her Tazer

We've been together for over a week now and I really think it's gonna work

Never forget that you're being deceived! Arrest your genitals for crimes against humanity.

5-HTP

So you got the results of your chest X-Ray?

-Yeah. They said it didn't show anything.

So you don't have ribs or a spine?

-Well I'm sure it showed those things.

Then what's with the fucking lies? Why can't they straight up tell you that your chest X-Ray showed a whole bunch of stuff like ribs and a spine?

-I'm thinking they meant there were no abnormal findings with my chest X-Ray. I am fairly certain I have a spine, some ribs, and all the other stuff.

Yeah, but they planted that seed of doubt. I think that's pretty fucked up. What did they say about your lab results?

Use corn starch to thicken gravy. You are empty!

DHEA (not Powdered Glass)

You gave me DHEA outside of Cabo San Lucas

And told me it was crushed glass in gelatin capsules

Those were the days when I took whatever pills you would give me

Because I controlled you by being submissive

I could tell you were lying about the pills

I have scientific eyes and a tongue that senses shifts in pill-weights

Now we do not travel together because you live in another state

Where the FDA lets you misrepresent supplements

I am no longer in control after standing up to you

And my scientific eyes miss your warm smile

And my tongue longs for the uneven weights of those gelatin capsules

Take at least fourteen pills right now. Be careful if you are part Mexican!

Nitrogen Flushing (cervix)

they flushed your cervix
with liquid nitrogen
because they are sadists
who hide beneath the flag
of molecular gastronomy
while harming women
with elements
that destroy the reproductive organs
of innocent women

The thyme-infused foam is almost too lemony! You have a hookworm.

Durable Medical Equipment

you are reading a Visual Nutrient
called Durable Medical Equipment
what the hell is wrong with you?
what if you get an unnecessary splint?
or a nebulizer that you'll never use?
you have no common sense
is what your problem is

Use crutches to hit people! Ouch!

Aberic Acid (Orizanin)

I answered the phone and the woman said
"I'm from U.S. Bank and I can offer you a great rate on an accidental death and dismemberment policy."
Before she could continue (she really wanted to continue), I stated:

There is very little chance that my death or dismemberment will be accidental

There are no accidents! Intentional dismemberment is trending strong!

The Tasting Game (military edition)

do not mention your father
because to think that your father played the tasting game
disgusts us as a group
but as a group we doubt
that your father was really evil or sick enough
to play the tasting game
even though we all have memories
of blindfolds and cameras
and tickling
why are tickles so wanted and feared at the same time?

Your father was a great man. Thank god he's dead.

Borage Oil (from borage)

there was a little devil
his name was Ortho Fez
he did not use the ashtray
he only had one friend
I was friends with Ortho
and took him to the mall
he thought the Montclair Plaza
was not a worthy mall

Use your gift certificate. You're stupid.

Spearmint (anti-emetic)

the shoes are in the entryway
the carpet is pristine
you use a scented freshener
every time you pee
you use the terminology
that fits with your profession
but sometimes with your varied moods
you give a bad impression
I don't want you to take this wrong
but I think I have to tell you
even with your scented spray
all of us can smell you

Judge others quickly and mercilessly. Then just wait and watch!

Uloric (febuxostat)

I watched you hobble down the stairs
I didn't care
I remembered the commercial for Nair
with the girls in short shorts with no leg hair
but the gout has taken over
the gout has taken over

Uric acid is different than hair. Your hair smells like pee.

Flax Seeds (from flax)

she wanted facts
I gave her flax
she dated Ahmed
and became pregnant
they seem pretty happy
her and Ahmed

Tell women the truth! Then impregnate them!

Boron

she looked at me like I was stupid
which I most certainly was
and her eyes were smug and army dry
like abandoned mission figs

Ask for what you want. You want a fig!

Lobelia Inflata

the cause of the crash was lobelia inflata
and a poorly timed lane change
resulting in over three tons of swarf
spilling across Interstate 10
at the Cherry Avenue exit

I'm back in control. You're going to look up swarf now, aren't you?

Juniper Berries

you started chewing on some dried juniper berries
and took a swig from a flask of everclear
you told me you were making "mouth gin"
and asked me if I had any tonic water
I told you I only had ginger ale
that's when you said I was involved in cafeteria crimes
you told me I had switched out the lunchmeat with processed human flesh
and that I had been seen on a security camera
defiling a #10 can of S&W stewed tomatoes

Many restaurants have shelves full of cans. Beautiful cans!

Cock (dear lord)

a chicken yells
a chicken yells about your use of cock
"bleeak buk buk bleah bleeak buk buk"
but you understand
as a hen, you understand
cock, cock, cock! Cock.
"bleeak buk buk bleah bleeak buk buk"
the language is clear
cock, cock, cock! Cock.

Use your chicken for good and not evil. Cock!

Capsaicin

you bruise easily
ecchymotic evidence
brown, green, and purple

your health has declined
long lost friends stay long and lost
pastors ignore you

you shout when you talk
and your choices are suspect
please just disappear

we will meet again
and you may have the last laugh
But I have Motrin

Use a Serrano pepper suppository! Spicy!

Umbilicaria Esculenta

sometimes I recognize
what is inside me
and I liken it to rage
because it is rage
(I had to make the obvious lichen reference)

Rageful Haiku Lichen Reference
discolored haiku
what caused it is those lichens
vinegar kills them

My root issues invite lichen. Time to douche!

Hydrofluoric Acid

we will see the Dead Kennedys
without Jello Biafra
and they will rock
all the while
in the back of my mind
I will think about the time
Jello punched the drunk girl
at the Florentine Gardens show
and the audience attacked him
because it was such a dick move

Let your kids see as many shows as they can! Really.

Theobromine (Italy Flight Weiners)

we brought the scared Italians into a room
and gave them a choice between rancid osso bucco
and a chibbi chibbi coconut branch
not a one of them knew of the chibbi chibbi
but they chose the chibbi chibbi
thinking they could outsmart the Master

Haiku Master Slaughterer of the Italians
chibbi chibbi bleh
chibbi chibbi chibbi bleh
slaughtered Italians!

Use your Italians wisely. They're like chess pieces, but they bleed when cut.

Seriphidium Butter

accusatory opening statement
followed by absurd retort
interrupted by a stupid haiku

Haiku Stupid Haiku
sometimes almost good
but usually lacking
shan't quit my day job

Proclamation of import! Mild letdown.

Saw Palmetto

I caught you reading the Neve Campbell Handbook
written by Emily Smith
you told me it's because you know Emily
and that she only wrote this to get in good with the publisher
and that Emily Smith will someday be a household name

Haiku Household Name
fucking Emily Smith
that's the name of this household
as you predicted

Then I caught you reading the Mila Kunis Handbook
written by Emily Smith
I surprised you by my knowledge of the Kunis
that she was Jill the party girl in Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves

Haiku Kunis Knowledge
Kunis Moranis
Moranis on your Kunis
please wash your Kunis

You should curl up with a book. Your household name is Emily Smith!

Xanthophyll Cycle

all the ink cartridges at Office Depot
expanded at the same time
the management meeting was cancelled
and your portmanteau of "upsell" and "comfort"
would never be heard by the living
it seems the change in barometric pressure
was the first sign of the apocalypse
the other signs came in quick succession
Tammy the ignorant sales associate collapsed
and her body exploded into hundreds of poisonous snakes
while the DeskMate Calendar display became wholly disorganized
making it difficult to discern whether the weeks would begin with Sunday
or Monday
and as the air became flame and the parking lots boiled
the last thought you had was of your first Epson MX-80 dot matrix printer
and how that chattery-zippy sound was really comforting

Selling your ideas is like selling your child. Rent your child and keep your thoughts to yourself!

Clam Liquor

you used clam liquor
to seduce the bread man
I knew there were bread men
but not in California
it turns out there are bread men
bread men in California
bad men easily lured
the seduced bread man endures
he hides indoors
and leaves crumbs on floors
I am jealous of the bread man
and even though you seduced him with clam liquor
I will be there for you
after I kill him with a Sunbeam toaster
he may hide and evade
and try to use sesame seeds for trade
but he is a dead man
the California bread man

Don't bring clams home! Clams!

Sassofras Variifolium (the return)

with only two of the seven still remaining
the tilted patio helps with draining
when...
when...
when it is raining
the two split up into groups of one
to search for the elusive smoking gun
when...
when...
when:

Haiku One Gun
pawn shop six-shooter
I hope that I can use you
when order breaks down

Your beaker is no substitute for a to-go cup. Leave science alone!

Live Oak (Viva Roble)

I will assemble an army of children
Cody will be the first to die
Amber will hold Cody's bloodied face
And yell for a medic
an army of assembled children
will use a dead Cody blanket
to cool down Amber's hand-face
bloody Amber's hand-face

The Latino medic is muscular. But he's just a kid!

Saccharomyces Cerevisiae

Carole King started causing trouble
at the Rancho Cucamonga Apple Store
Carole King never supported the migration
from PowerPC to the Intel chipset
The Rancho Cucamonga Sheriff's Spokesman
explained that Ms. King seemed intoxicated
The Rancho Cucamonga Sheriff's Spokesman
said the coroner's report was inconclusive
Carole King was taxidermied by Leon Pray
whose methodology reduced the risk of carpet beetle degradation

Your radio is full of carpet beetles. Turn any building into a church!

Walking Fern (just the tips)

we found your brother's body
just where we left it
he was still alive
and had even picked up some groceries
your brother's grim expression
was found the same day
on his face
which is part of his body
the face on the front of his head
your brother should be more careful
about where he leaves his body

Your brother is a Triffid! He shops at Vons!

Trader Joe's Green Drink Mix

Thirty servings later
I am feeling better
Every serving makes me
Feel a little better
So now that I am stronger
I will deputize random children
To be my sons and daughters
And I will send them unto the distant lands
Like Banning
And they will speak of me
Telling of their indoctrination
Into my newly formed child's army
And I will eventually accept a plea agreement
To avoid a state prison sentence
After the Dodge Dakota full of kids
Arrives at the Chatigny Recreation Center
With what could have been
The beginning of everything good

My army would have started in Banning! Your children will make brilliant soldiers!

Lunar Caustic

your stapler is a Bostich
your sweatshirt looks exhausted
and you're beating me to death
with your Elisabeth Kübler-Ross stick
you started out agnostic
your friends all said you lost it
but you and me shared secrets
while we sucked down lunar caustic

Your friends are not nice. They use Swinglines!

Cobalt Chloride (from heterosexuals)

heterosexist
VIP room in Texas
the DJ is mad

these trendy clubs
confused desire in the dubs
drugged desperation

use cobalt chloride
heterosexual pride
fork, spoon, and steak knife

Take a heterosexual to dinner. Take a homosexual to breakfast!

Myrrh

you brought me myrrh
we sold it to some potheads
and told them it was myrrh
they were admitted through the ER
for kidney irritation, skin rash, and diarrhea
holiday devil box
holiday devil box
please take the box of myrrh

Wrap your gifts with sheep casings! Bring your neighbor a slice of demon!

Oxalic Acid (from Spinach)

Warren Beatty (male) hired a (female) nurse
with expertise in the application
of healing poultice
he (Mr. Beatty) made "sorrow chorizo" from scratch
and used gauze for the casing
his (Warren) will was broken
allowing for the nurse (woman) to straddle him (him)
and apply the healing poultice
to his (Warren) gauzy chorizo

Spend all your money. Listen to AM radio.

Rennet Substitute

think of cheese as a high school football coach
which makes rennet his filthy acquisition
the coach is full of rennet
the coach takes rennet from the unwilling
the coach destroys the innocence of the young
cheese is the coach

Please don't let your kids play organized sports! I love pizza!

Funnel Cake

Comfort and Survival
walk into a bar
The bartender asks Comfort
"What'll it be?"
Comfort takes a long look at the drink specials board and says,
"Something comforting"
Survival, meanwhile
Shoots and kills a deer
Providing venison to last through the harsh winter

Use your friends like underwear. Only change them when forced by society!

Mycoprotein

I brought my mycoprotein to the "Horoshi Dance Bar"
and was told to leave by three men and a girl-child
The girl-child's name was "Spider"
The three men were named "Matthew" and "Carl"
Spider used a basket for transportation
and had an allergy to hay
Matthew and Carl walked back into the bar
and I dumped Spider onto the sidewalk
which was more like a horizontal concrete window

Go out dancing once in a while. You seem unhappy!

Fish Oil (from fish)

These fish are dry.
Has "Big Oil" fracked our fish?
Or are we negative trending?

Nutrients seem harder to come by.
Harder to come by.
Come by. Sometime.

I know about the mugs and shirts.
And the third-stage smog alerts.
We will just get our desserts and go.

For saying a lot, I sure do beat around the bush!

Cane Sugar Spirits

rum ghosts
leave molasses on my neurons
before the ghosts escape from my face
(actually from behind my face)
and I have everything I want
except for what the ghosts
took from my face

Drink rum tonight. Drink rum tomorrow night!

L-tryptophan

we lost our stomachs for the hunt on the first night
when Buddy Lawrence made a knife out of a magazine
and repeatedly stabbed an aging map of Pasadena

one of those LED lightbars from Home Depot stopped working
and we had to recruit our nephew to hold up a Coleman lantern
the smell of white gas reigniting childhood memories intentionally forgotten

we were able to bury Kristy McNichol's ratty pantsuit
with little resistance from the historical society's busybodies
once we replaced the protective Lexan® viewing shield

Apologize to General Electric today. Your family already knows you're sorry.

Bison

The pressure is coming in from the front
Above and below
It is a wave you cannot escape
Even in your bison dress-pants
And even with your hot plain tan
The bison will take the day's victory

All hail the mighty bison!

Ethylene Glycol

We drink ethylene glycol
And play union games until dawn
You always win at "Beat the Scab"
I always opt out by playing my Disability Retirement card
Which you say is cheating
But it saves me from crossing the line
And getting the crap beat out of me

Drink ethylene glycol. No. Stop. Do not drink ethylene glycol!

Stachybotrys Chartarum

I am a black mold
I am most like my father
He was a black mold

When my father drank
He was most like a black mold
I am like that, too

Fathers and their sons
Play this fungal trading game
Black mold for the win

Our memories help keep the departed alive. How horrible!

Darmstadtium

we needed front tires
we needed new brakes
and a little motivation
to get us through the day
we got a vegetable box
and a growler of beer
we paid some old bills
and watched the day disappear

Don't forget to set your clocks back tonight! Time is no longer in control of itself.

Goji Berry

thirty years is a long time
for a friend to stay dead
so I sit here and imagine
if he were to be briefly reanimated,
that dead friend would likely say one of the following things:

1. I am hungry for Pup'n'Taco
2. Death is boring but relaxing
3. Heaven has a shitty music scene

Number 3 for sure. Nobody really liked Pup'n'Taco.

Boracium (from plants)

You get your boracium from plants
Your pants are disgusting
Why won't you obey the Elders?
I'm pulling an "Aztec Parent" maneuver on you
Replacing the gasoline in your motorbike
With Cranapple
Diet Cranapple

Respect the Elders. Drink fake juice!

Acidic Bog-Water

Jupiter is a planet
Adidas is a shoe
One is larger than the Earth
The other is a shoe
The Outback is a steakhouse
A cupcake is a cake
One serves awful food to jerks
The other is a cake

Late at night I dream of the final battle. Bodies of men. Head of cattle.

Phosphorous

when you were just small
you took apart my Zippo
cylindrical flints
the wick left smudges
oily soot on your fingers
you ruined my lighter

Childhood is temporary. Adulthood is temporary.

Sodium Benzoate

you taught me hate
sodium benzoate
you slapped my date
sodium benzoate
you broke my left arm
and I cried out loud
sodium benzoate
sodium benzoate

Use surgery to mend your abdomen. You have the infection!

Jean Anouilh (fenugreek)

your book is really funny
I read it every night
your deep interpretations
make me feel all right
I want to get to know you
but you have passed away
I think you might have been a bore
anyway

Your spice mixes lack freshness. You lack the "zammo" flavor that we all desire. Zammo!

Potassium (from potash)

church bus repair clinic
divorced comedians (comics)
false memory of a Cape Cod clam shack

your surgeon skipped town
after the Neil Young tribute band
failed to play any Neil Young songs

Ambien party dress
a falling-out in Lakewood
your Pam Dawber potash fantasy

We all hoard thoughts. We are thoughtful!

Lake Water

We drank lake water
We did not get sick
Then we ate unwashed spinach
And we were fine
But now you have chemical sensitivities
And you believe black mold lives in the wall

I'd offer you a glass of wine, but the sulfites would kill you. You wouldn't know anaphylaxis if it bit off your head!

Corn Husks

you used corn husks
as a shield against the pain
and then the country music
helped me find an ARCO
or maybe it was Costco
whatever the case
you found an Iowa solution
to a Wall Street problem

You could own a boat. You do not own a boat.

Procyandins

You wore your Planned Parenthood bathrobe
You used your John Travolta voice
Your acceptance speech was moving
Now get out of here
Leave your computer
I like your computer

I completely forgot what I was saying. Is this thing still on?

Inulin

I was taken aside by Important Woman.
She said to me:

Your nutrients have really gone off track. My people will no longer fund your project.

I told her I would get back to the basics, like John Ritter, Ed Asner, and that maybe I would introduce Gabe Kaplan.
She said to me:

Gabe Kaplan value-train uses bread-money to liquify our Asner Mummies to bottle and sell to Pfizer or Dista.

I used Kaplan-medicine on my Ritter-neck. Give me my funding!

Barley Grass

picnic basket
severed hand
checkered blanket
bluegrass band
autumn day
sowed regret
an afternoon I shan't forget

Don't take rubbing alcohol literally. Don't take anything!

Occupy Metrosideros

we took a flowering shrub
and a clawfoot tub
we built a bank for dineros
lined with metrosideros
we were buoyed by the market
and shopped at Walmart and Target
we bought rawhide for our perros
in the shade of the flowering metrosideros

Occupy everything. You exist for now, so bring it, bitches!

Taxus Baccata

we bought the overpriced Audible Variants disc
and we were happy
we found it at:
http://visualnutrients.bigcartel.com/
and we continued being stupid

Don't be stupid! Use a rarefied bird.

Jeryl Lynn (B Level)

we were supposed to meet up at Donahoo's
or really just a few doors down
at the Aegis Pomona clinic
but you were a no-show
it was a few weeks later that we learned
about you becoming a mump
you had raided one of those "medical waste" containers
and grabbed the first useable rig
and now you are a mump
you look like a nipple
and your head is a bump
you are a mump

You do not have to become like Jer. Please continue with either methadone or chicken!

Xanthomonas Campestris (cat food)

we talked about the cat food
we talked about the cat
it seems the cat is unlicensed
we have an unlicensed cat
the laws about cats have been broken
we are the ones breaking the laws
if witnesses end up subpoenaed
there will be bibles beneath kitty paws

If your child asks you whether you believe in god, just lie. You have no choice!

Substance H

your seatbelt tastes like sweat
or maybe woven vinyl is naturally salty
don't you ever clean the interior?
you read like a child
mouthing the words as you go along
do you do that when you drive?

Haiku Mouth Reader
you read with your mouth
like your eyes control your lips
each blink is a pause

The $16.99 "Gold Wash" is a ripoff. Your interior is still filthy.

Ritter Albumin

The cornstarch thickened evening sky
The post-apocolyptic drama
You tell me you're too weak to cry
Donkey Monkey Llama

The windows of the tract home
Are fogged with stale ammonia
If you ever feared you'd die alone
Donkey Monkey Llama

The sentence you've been given
Lacks only for a comma
A pause that means you're living
Donkey Monkey Llama

Think twice before you make your decision. That means nothing.

Krill Oil (from San Dimas)

you were a radical cleric
from the planet called Krill
I asked you for croutons
you asked me to kill
I found you intriguing
and I did what you said
I ate croutons at night
now there's crumbs in my bed
your backwards ideas
involved squares of hard bread
that led to the terror
of crumbs in my bed
so I tell you this, cleric
I have pushed your agenda
but with sugar so sweet
I'm ignoring your Splenda™

Use religion to sweeten your coffee. Use God for the creamer!

Krill Oil (from Costco)

Belinda Mayne feeds on skin
and that makes her awful
Stanford Sherman eats only skin
he is also awful

Haiku Skin Eaters (two of them)
1983
I graduated high school
you were eating skin

Easter of last year
you asked for skin-covered Peeps
because you're awful

You have learned how to ruin things more slowly. Bite me!

Azomethine (plasma/grandma)

pulled in many directions
you continue to retract
with hopes that no outside force
will grasp your many tendrils
but you are wrong
your hopes are not based on the American Red Cross
The American Red Cross helps people
all people
American Red Cross, motherfuckers!
Salvation Army? Fuck no!
We are dealing with the goddamned American Red Cross!
please eat a plate of steaming shit if you will not bow down to
The American Red Cross!
THEY OWN YOUR BLOOD! You gave it to them, you stupid shits!

Prepare a family emergency plan for fire, earthquake, or flood. And give your blood away for free, you stupid shits!

Xanthophyll (for Men)

they slathered the children's arms
with yellow latex interior paint
and set up a live video feed
that fed directly into the queen's chamber
the television was a Samsung
and the paint was from Ace Hardware
the children were on loan
from Glendale Elementary
the queen was played by "feminine Dan Rather"
closed-captioning provided by Equiliterate, teaching horses to read for over 30 years

You are a coproduction of the BBC. God save the queen!

Rose Bay

the motel in Rose Bay
woke up as a person
or a can of "pop"
with BHT for longevity
with the can made of steel
and not aluminum
what a good motel!
what a good person!

You are a structure! Wake up as a person!

Muscarinic M2

your US Bank statement
listed a four-dollar charge
for "Gnostic Duties"
that led to the two of you
setting up a "fish picnic"
above the Hadron helium leak
which we all know was a feint
to block us from focusing
on the sooty proton tubes

Quit while you're ahead. You are ahead.

Cinnabar

What you are about to read has already taken place, so think of it as history.

The scene is a bar called the Cinnabar located in the Serbian city of Valjevo. The bartender is a small horse standing upright. He is wearing authentic horse clothing. The customer in this story is a misshapen man with dubious (dubious) skin.

Authentic Horse: Welcome to the Cinnabar!
Alex Tingler: Thank you. I'll have a drink, please.
Authentic Horse: Coming right up!

As Authentic Horse prepares a beverage for Alex Tingler, the sound of malfunction overwhelms the characters.

Alex Tingler: Forget the drink. I can't stand being alive any longer.
Authentic Horse: I understand. I've lost the will to finish making your drink.
Alex Tingler: Was it really my drink? I hadn't even received it yet.
Authentic Horse: Here in Serbia, when you order a drink you have established a verbal contract with the merchant. That makes it your drink.
Alex Tingler: How did you get in here?
Authentic Horse: What do you mean, how did I get in here?
Alex Tingler: Were you brought in? Wheeled in? Airlifted in?
Authentic Horse: No, I walked in.
Alex Tingler: I suspected as much.

You probably have dubious (dubious) skin. History is a joke!

Ascorbic Acid (bulk)

The forked, flattened end of the pry bar fit perfectly into the slot where my scapula meets my shoulder. The techs, with almost no force and more than a little finesse, were able to pop the outer casing off my back.
I had no idea that I had a removable outer casing!
I waited for the techs to prep the area for surgery, which, for some reason involved drinking grain alcohol to help me forget the love we once had.

Use love as your drug of choice. A washcloth full of sex-filth beats a felony every time!

Acetic Acid

You assist in cleansing
What most is out of reach
A flower is a blossom
That grows into a peach
Fruit that ripens quickly
Weighs heavy on the branch
If we were in Montana
I'd take you to a ranch

Never look beyond the edge of a well-traveled trail. It's like a poorly managed sewer. Aw fuck, it's awful!

Poil de Chat

I rub off the fur to see the mold
When out of the fridge it will not stay cold
When paired with a cracker the truth must be told
If butter were silver, this would be gold

Do not overstimulate the cat. You continue to overstimulate the cat.

Ethanol (Oliver Platt Remix)

we made terrible decisions
and listened to the oddly comforting
back and forth symphony
of the Pomona Police helicopter
as it played the bow against the night sky's strings

You are Oliver Platt! Admit it!

C17H18F3NO

mood is your weapon
like weather or room brightness
unavoidable

your new script is trite
long-acting metabolite
isoenzymes: fight!

You will get better. No one else will.

Probiotics (5 Billion!)

the first few days are hard
then for the next week or so
it gets real bad
your mood and your nerves
get the best of you
and you will not sleep well
and you will not wake well
it will hurt, hurt, hurt

Put one of those packets of pepper in your purse or wallet. Pepper is pretty good!

Ardent Spirits

when you accept an invitation
from an ardent spirit
carefully examine the spirit's container
the vessel likely has weak or cracked walls
and, if not
the ardent spirit is still
up to no fucking good

Barbara Eden is a metaphor. Larry Hagman is an astronaut!

Glutathione

get off the phone
glutathione
the dog is alone
glutathione
all I've ever wanted is a house with a deck
when we turn against the enzyme it hurts our neck
I bought a chunk of fever at the sickness shop
when you said I had some moves you really wanted me to stop

Use dancing like a romantic stick. You are being watched at night.