False Unicorn (helonia)

Ric Ocasek Luggage Boutique held a fashion show for skin-boxes, while the uncomfortable sampling benches amplified my backache. I took out my "cellular" telephone to check the time and was successful in doing so. The lady seated next to me was one of the local "smock-art" zealots, proudly wearing a freshly painted art smock.
Haiku Art Smock
you could smell the smock
fresh paint brought out the smock smell
where is the price list?

Pay attention to solar storms. You are an unknowing tool of Chrissie Hynde!

Melatonin

massive disappointment
the kitchen staff had obviously fled
leaving fruit flies suspended in mid air
russets squinting through a thin brown plastic bag
and an autumn-themed oven mitt

Have that dream where you can't reach the steering wheel!

Ethanol (Victor Impress Paris)

"The VIP lounge filled with sexy smells
as the tarts writhed against the creeps."
There once was a neo-Victorian
Whose dishware was late-seventies Corian

Unfinished business is what's on the menu! Good night, stupids!

Strontium 90

You say words like "radio" and "tank"
Leaves the lot of your friends
Wondering
I say word combinations like "the lot" and it makes me feel British
And your wife turns up in the United States
She is pregnant with a baby child in her
And you tell me it makes you happy
And you are fairly certain you are the father
And she will give birth to a beautiful baby
Not a large ear of corn

Use coupons to cut down your outflow. Checkbooks are so 1988!

Corn Oil

It used to be a given
That oil was made from corn
At least 'twas true for salad oil
Matt Damon/Jason Bourne
A corn processing secret
It makes the oil romantic
Leonardo Dicaprio
Was good in The Titanic
Corn oil
Corn oil
Corn oil
A mole can make a mountain
On which it climbs a man
But Corporal Squirrel
Demands corn oil
Corn oil
Go to just a little bit of hell
Corn oil
Stupid movies, Sergeant Crow
Florence Henderson is limping
Corn oil

Lieutenant Cassidy halts your protest. You fear the crossing guard!

Helium 3

her voice got funny
like a cartoon character
we laughed and we laughed
then my turn came up
she passed me a full balloon
I breathed in deeply
searing pain gripped me
my lungs were filled with Moon dust
I began to float
my friends got smaller
as I ascended upward
toward my new home

When tossing a salad on Earth, use more force to compensate for the gravitational pull. Design a lever that pulls off your own head!

Iodine (from kelp) Part II: The Reckoning

Cityscape 231 is glorious in its simplicity:
A main square with mixed use commercial/residential.
Suburb attractants such as big box stores and health clubs.
Outlet malls and retraining camps a little further out.
Life support and waste management facilities as the outer circle.
And the protective blast wall melds seamlessly with the dome shield.
Your new family will be fully trained in "Home-Life" to help the transition go smoothly.

Does the mind helmet protect or correct? Relax and let go!

Iron

"Those shirts. They look smooth."
He will purchase a shirt.
"And that pillowcase...there are no apparent unnecessary creases."
He is named Chamber Sutherland, and he will be buying two pillowcases today.
"Rib Cafe!"
There will be ribs aplenty at Rib Cafe.

Name your appliances! They own you.

Chlorine (the year: 2146)

She complained about the chlorine smell in her portable exobladder. She had called me from the hunching parlor and accused me of putting bleach into one of her uretoports. I uncommed before she started welking.

What a complete haint!

Birthday Cake

your traffic school friends
force-fed me birthday cake
after I had passed out

my death was prevented
by your dachshund, "Pixie"
who (I am told) ate the cake from out of my mouth

you could have eaten the cake from out of my mouth
but you were upstairs with "Road Cone"
playing some sort of (I am told) game with your butt

Walk to your next doctor's appointment! Your driving is awful!

Phytonutrient Supplements for Seniors

card-game analogy goes here, like "bluffy got stumped"
and then we use a gun-word, like "poppy"
we imagine Bluffy and Poppy as neighbors
one is a man and one is not
so this man and not-man have dead spouses
long since removed from their respective homes
or so we imagine

Were you the one who told me about "Fire Nurse?" Never mind.

Rye or Whatever

You had food or something
And this big dog (it was your dog) misbehaved and pulled your arm down
Which would have been fine if you were walking instead of driving

I will not eat in your car because you do not drive in my kitchen!

Gelatin Capsules (filled with melamine)

His parents fed him female hormones from the time he turned nine.
boygirlboygirlsexyboygirlboy
He was passed from uncle to uncle to brother-in-law and back to mom and dad.
tvdinneraunttinahitachitelevision
By the time he turned fourteen he had fully developed breasts.
tittytittyboytittytittyboy
When he started victimizing others he was sixteen and overweight.
hippofatcowstupidfatnonono
He had a mustache and tits and knew how the game was played.
monopolyorriskorcomewithmestupidshit

Your posture could be better! Your memories tilt your body!

Taipoxin

do not thank me now
for giving you nutrients
through your hungry eyes
for I have no choice
my team of smart scientists
help me to do this
look at your screen now
and have your tiny moment

Wrap a pastor in rattan! Instant scratching post!

Quinoa Protein Concentrate

First off, let's just accept what's going on:
We've got inclement weather
We have aspirations that exceed our true potential
We have a fifteen-year history of motivational speakers
Addressing our aspirations

So here is the perfect storm:
Our aspirations need yardwork, i.e.: trimming
The weather is unpredictable
Potential is completely reliant on the following formula:
Resilience = r
Tenacity = t
aspirations = a
output (actual consumables, be it words or music, etc.) = o

So: r(o) + t(o) + a(o) = product
Product = history + weather in summation with rta(o)

And we rebel while mundane grains monopolize our maple syrup.

Try writing a book without content! Pussy!

Mantle Pinching

tire-store Dave rose to the sediment surface
his adductor muscle twitched like an unbalanced P195/65R-15
on a Chino side street
his swollen mantle edges flared and billowed (which is not easy)
and he was in serious danger of gaping

Dave was in some pretty big trouble
fortunately, Dave's coworkers were bivalve nurse-specialists
they did a quick test of his watery meats that showed unusual blistering
and the slime-net query yielded several possible treatments

customers at the shop, however, were growing restless
all had been fooled into buying three and getting one free
and were surprised that a full complement of tire-store employees
held skill-sets that were worth a yearly six figures at any fishery
on either the Atlantic, Pacific, or Gulf Coast

yet they all worked here at this Azusa, California tire store
tan and fit, holding both wrenches and stethoscopes
working to rescue Dave from a parasite unknown
while the Mazdas and Fords stayed perched on their lifts
high and safe above the sediment flooring

Try ordering two entrees for yourself on your next date! Pig!

Curcuma Longa

you went to Blythe for a month and started a war
North Lovekin Blvd. was a no-man's land that ran between the trenches
and you started using words like "parapet" and "billet" in your text messages
you even came up with a coughing emoticon after your company was gassed
you were the point person in Arizona's push Westward
and you kept your men in line
by using a mixture of humor and battlefield savagery
but then you were captured and executed

You should iron your clothes for a week so you don't look so sloppy and lazy.

Cyclodextrin Inclusion Compounds

Corcoran, California will initially be the main treatment center for the moderate to severely ill. The high-speed rail system will bring in hundreds of full passenger cars weekly from Los Angeles and San Francisco. The once-pristine interiors of the CalTrack Comfort Line will have had all the cushioning and carpets stripped out during the initial decontamination sequence. Most of the passengers will already be too far gone to notice a plastic arm-support jabbed into their liquefying torsos. The ones who are well enough to know the difference will be all the more compliant with the testing once they know that a comfortable bed and caring treatment staff await them through the gates of the Inclusion Compound.

Get your kids vaccinated in their eyes! Ouchie!

Zeaxanthin

you bought zeaxanthin at the farmacia
and then you put it in her drink
you must have made her wear a costume
she was Hogan, you were Klink
your acting skills were suspect
like you did not have a script
and it was less than 20 seconds
before Klink had Hogan stripped
though the webcam stream was blurry
and the dialogue was garbled
the halvah I was eating
was nutty, sweet, and marbled

Late-night snacks can be from almost any country!

Potassium Hydroxide

Honeywell, Raytheon, and McDonnell Douglas
Our collective fathers leached off those particular teats
And who could blame them?
To have a wife in a box
And bridge mix on the card tables
And a Tom Collins recipe to die for
What a fucking coup!
But it did not work now, did it?
The wives went nuts. Or gay. Or both.
And all of those companies became Boeing and dicked our fathers over
While we all got therapy to justify our hatred
And our collective fathers passed on
While we mollified our crazy gay mothers
And went to Cost Plus to buy substandard bridge mix

Our fathers meant well, but were really off the mark!

Chondodendron Tomentosum

they asked if I had an advanced directive
I told them that my directives were regressed
to the point of being infantile
they told me I could "opt out" of the procedure
but they would not recommend it
because of some "percentage chance" of something
a truly potential negative something
and I was smart enough to know
that my reliance on positive nothings
had run its course
the procedure failed and I died and went to heaven
but figured out how to mess with time and circumstance
so I am now back about two months prior to my death
and I still do not have an advanced directive

We had no right to abandon the moon. It is our direct link to heaven.

Xanthomonas Campestris

You made a broccoli tree forest. Melted Parmesan cheese shavings turned them into weeping willows. It was like having a magician in the kitchen. You created a marsh out of vegetable broth and Italian parsley and thought it would be a good idea to turn the oven up to four-hundred degrees. That is where the troubles began.
The marsh began boiling and the parsnip moorings shifted. The trees fell over and no longer looked like trees. Their delicate Parmesan strands melted completely and formed clotted eddies in the turbulence. What had started out as wondrous and exciting had gone over to sadness. Everyone was disappointed in you and your poor decision-making. You took something magnificent and ruined it.

Swap cookbooks every few months with your friends, unless you don't have any friends!

Manganese

it was not a miracle when Jared lifted the vase with his mind
an act of god had not occurred when Limpet created life from a delicious flan
the devil had not ascended to the earthly plane when Cassandra dissolved on the Metrolink to Norwalk
the culprit was manganese
the can-do nutrient from the Northern Midwest
so when your Ford Focus begins speaking in tongues
and your wife's brown sweater becomes a portal to UDFy-38135539
just blame the manganese
and have yourself a cup of hot tea

You enjoy reading People Magazine! No more can you judge others!

Inositol

you brought a lot of clothes
for an overnight stay
and a chair
you brought a chair

there is no room
in my medicine cabinet
for your medicine
that is a lot of medicine

you say inositol
but to me you are merely well dressed
and improperly medicated
with a place to sit wherever you go

Dating is for stooges! Use your 3M lint roller as a weapon!

L Leucine

a bottle containing all the sexual energy in the world was opened and poured into a polluted stream in Terrell, Texas
the first victims were the amphibians
seductive salamanders cavorted with freaky frogs
ectothermia had to step aside as evolution stuck to the grind
six months later the stream was cleaned and the sexual energy was once again bottled
and a small group of salamanders began walking on their hind legs

No real need to mention Kevin Costner's bar tab or his thing with the frozen yogurt girl!

Glutamic Acid

Carolyn Sandoval was a short-beaked echidna who liked to be called Carrie. She was usually crying or gossiping and putting her beak into places it did not belong. Her ex-husband, Raul, was a soldier and an engineer who enjoyed warm jungle nights and Caribbean music. When they had first met, the chemistry between them spilled over into whatever nightclub they were at. The following morning the club's dancefloor would be strewn with fertilized eggs and empty blue plastic cups. They were young and stupid and were not expecting any type of global calamity. The Global Calamity changed all that and they split up, which was sad for a number of reasons. It was sad for four reasons.

Use your spurs against competing males! Use it or lose it!

Phosphorous (not against us)

the last cathode ray tube
sat in the waiting room, waiting
all the others (the 13" and 27" crowd included)
had been taken to the back room long ago
to be dismantled into component parts
the television above the receptionist's window
a 36" Samsung LCD rig with fairly impressive specs
seemed to be mocking his screen aspect ratio
"Well fuck Samsung!" thought the last cathode ray tube
"They can pretty much eat shit and die for all I care."

the receptionist came out to the waiting room with a wheeled cart
and before picking up the last cathode ray tube
looked into his phosphorescent face and gave a weak smile
"Everything's going to be all right." she said
and she picked him up and put him on the cart
she wheeled him into the back room where he was dismantled
into his component parts

We are made of television! Sally Field has a map of your thoughts!

Thayer-Martin Agar

there was a whole nutrient planned
with a tattoo artist and Brent Spiner
and the ghost of Gram Parsons
but as you can tell (you are astute)
these folks are not along for the ride
and we are stuck here in this nutrient
without support staff or backup of any kind

You can hear airplanes right now. Just pay attention!

Endosymbionts (Tertiary Machine Variant)

they will goose-step through our cells
to challenge tissue/texture/structure
and they will offer an alternative

we will initially recoil
because we like to recoil
the secondary gain of the recoil
is not to be underestimated

there will be five lines in this third stanza
with each line outshining the last
by the use of simple and poignant declarations
about robots or death or loss of control
and all of these are distractions from the truth

six line stanza coming as no surprise
we have suffered another loss in our circle
and as our cohort reduces
we begin to welcome the robots as allies
because our hatred of death leads us
to put all our efforts into the lie of control

Just because I don't believe in a god doesn't mean that Kara's not in Heaven.

Pseudoephedrine Hydrochloride

store security was onto me
she was dressed like a normal shopper
carrying a box of refrigerated pie crusts
I stood and looked at the Dayquil boxes
orange and white with helvetica promises
while she focused her beam of attention on me
and I swear she was reading my mind
so I grabbed at "trick thoughts" to throw at her
to confuse her
I thought about a dirty snow footprint in Big Bear
and then I thought about Confederate currency
I thought of a thousand animal hands
each one on a bible written in that animal's language
except for the spiny anteater and the platypus

Some animals are godless! Obey all laws and rules!

Brandy & Pills

television set: check
intrusive thoughts: check
haphazard clay sculpture from childhood (not your childhood): check
certificate of provenance for abovementioned clay sculpture: check
stolen squirt-can of 3-2-1 Machine Oil: check

There's no such thing as an antique. Everything lasts forever!

Cistanche Deserticola (Brizuela Remix)

your birthday was inevitable
and the lucky prisoners (named Sally or Denise)
had jobs in the laundry

you had a belief or a thought
that you could change your name
to "Time Captain" or Sally

they found you unresponsive the next morning
your arms replaced by black arrows
and the number "6" at your feet

Use crime to create tough stains. Shout it out!

Censored Nutrient

Dear Readers,
Numerous complaints were received regarding the safety of Zinc Alloy as a Visual Nutrient. While there were no documented instances of direct harm, the nutrient has been censored and will not be returning for consumption.
A suitable nutrient will be offered, free of cost, within the next 24 hours. We here at Visual Nutrients strive to give our customers what we call "satisfaction."

Read Visual Nutrients in bed, then satisfy yourself for a change!

Silicon Dioxide

It was another surgery dream
And I had to get my old Datsun 610
Out of the impound lot
So I could get to the hospital
Because it was a dream and I was
Basically alone
The cashier at the impound lot
Had a cash register with hieroglyphs
Where numbers should have been
And I could not pay what was being asked
Which was a stone tablet in the shape of a triangle
And her face was a triangle
Like a yield sign

Have an operation this year. You need surgery!

Temporary Contained Outbreak

it was either a large motorcycle
or a small airplane that crashed
about three miles outside TCO Site 32
allowing the new dead to celebrate
the breach of the containment field

The new dead? Oh my!

Gerstley Borate (and his butler, Taylor)

There once was a man named Gerstley Borate and he had a butler named Taylor. Throughout the day, every day, Taylor would follow Master Borate around the manse (house) and pick up after him (Gerstley). Owl Parkinson's affecting cogent barn birds. Taylor barely had enough time to correctly identify the glutamate receptor before wash a sock/make a muffin. Owl carcasses rained down as feathered assuredness devolved into late dinner with his (Taylor's) appetizing young Ben Harper lookalike, Mel Grifton.

Lookalike is a dumb word or series of words! Never be a dirty bird!

Sample Title Nutrient

we used to hold hands
sample title nutrient
where did your hands go?

your kisses were moist
sample title nutrient
where did your lips go?

your eyes were magnets
sample title nutrient
your eyes! what the fuck?

no hands, eyes, or lips
sample title nutrient
you need some more parts

Try being less selfish. Try again!

Ptychopetalum Uncinatum

we are all a part of the same fabric
a repulsive cloth
like the handkerchief of an 1890's
train conductor
with active tuberculosis
and an Elgin pocket watch

we all have approximately
the same stuff
a chemical-producto equivalency
that will resonate
as an obvious mistake
when we are the archeological finds

Use a credit card to buy medicine or a hat. Cover your head, stupid.

Pimpinella Anisum

this dig is ancient
Benjamin Affleck (playing the musky archeologist)
pulls us out early
fearful that museum security
"has it in" for our group

back at smelly Benjamin's camp
a chuckwagon-lunch themed pop-up restaurant
serves Dinty Moore beef stew
in those blue enamel camping bowls
(to us) to eat it

Label and date yourself to stay "New Jersey" fresh!

Doublemint (mintus mintus)

Laboratory Nine was a joke
Vials of clown blood
And a ferris wheel centrifuge
Shared the soapstone counter
With Pam Dawber's mummified hand
Test results were scrawled in crayon on the backs of thrift store receipts
By two floppy-shoed lab techs who smoked those flavored cigars

Your skin is "Disney Dry" today!

Starflower

Hurricane force Santa Ana winds
Pulled the stop sign from its moorings
As if it were some sort of ship
Oh, were you on the Stop Sign cruise to Lazaro Cardenas?
They had a Baja Fresh "rauntlet" which is like a restaurant outlet.
Anyway, the sign part of the sign (not the post)
Was flying around the San Fernando Valley like a Frisbee
And it hit a U.S. Navy admiral's rented Kia Rio
Just below the passenger side mirror
Causing $382.00 worth of damage
Not covered by the supplemental insurance
Roadsigns bring messages to you and for that
We are not liable.

So the real story is the post
And what happened when the weak zinc-alloy bolts
Gave up the battle to keep the sign part of the sign attached
And the twenty-two pound wooden spear
Broke the sound barrier as it whizzed along Balboa Blvd.
Until bouncing and splintering on the sidewalk
In front of a full-sized Baja Fresh Restaurant

Time the people around you to find out if they are lazy! Lazy fuckers!

Borage Seed Oil IV: (Re)venge of the Borage

Church van atrocities
Ceramic capacitors
Rod Serli(ng)

Our agency understands your need
For borage seed oil
And will review your proposal

We pull away from each other
To protect god knows what
(Ma)kes the clock spin

And again we meet at the crime scene
Near the last payphone in America
To dodge the floating eyeball

Use shame as an astringent. You use shame as an astringent.

Quercitannic Acid

You had your Big Lots headphones
And I had country music
You took off your hook-skirt
And I began to use it
I was catching fish
With the cloth of your skirt
And you were pulling up bait
From the cold damp earth

Try fishing with your lady! Mega-sexual!

Dinoflagellates (Rattus Claustrophobis)

Dean Martin was a better man than Jerry Lewis
Whatever that means
Like the contrast between a Wurlitzer and a Filben
Fact is: that person already knows
So to what end does one compare
Two filthy jukeboxes?

Save your dimes! They're yours!

Carbomer

Within six hours of the comet tail's brief brush with Earth's mesosphere
All mammals stopped breathing and died
Except for the monotremes
Two weeks had passed since the die-off
By then the spiny anteaters had formed patrols
And fenced off their communities
As protection from the platypus gangs
Neither had much interest in firearms or pharmaceuticals
Are you still reading?

When things don't seem like they'll work out, give up!

ProVitamins

I will not let you tell me
That you are anti-vitamin
If you use words I will block my ears
If you write it on a steno pad I will claw out my eyes
If you make an imbedded video I will do any number of terrible things
To not let you tell me
That you are anti-vitamin

Hold an ice cube against your closed eyelid until your eye starts to ache. Feels awful!

Sage (vein matching)

The grainy cell phone video
Showed us the Asner we feared
Head tilted back and jaws like a beartrap
Ed's razor-sharp incisors made quick work of the prostitute's favorite (deleted)
When Sony executive Lance (deleted) worm-chowdered an entire gymnasium we held our collective (Asner) until the police helicopters stopped (deleted) crow
Fortunately we had both used our pro-depressant gauze vests we stole from the evidence locker
Leaving us with popcorn in our teeth and (deleted) semen

Try making your next pot of (deleted) using your colon for a Crockpot!

Naphthenic Acid (Rod McKuen's Incendiary Labcoat)

When you think of how big a cloud is
You have to think that it can only be
As big as your wishes make it
How big do you wish the cloud to be?
Or some other McKuenesque nonsense
Said to marginalize concepts like mass and propulsion
And old Rod did not pull his punches when it came
To matters of science and his disdain for right angles
So it will come as no surprise when everything ends
That we will exist in a world of clouds
As big as we can wish them

Try not to cry yourself to sleep. Stay awake and cry.

Airborne Rabies

You bring me the latest issue of Housebat Management Quarterly
Along with my morning coffee
It is exactly this level of thoughtfulness
That I find so attractive
I am only halfway through the article about the cave in Texas
When I see that you are suffering from airborne rabies
You switch modes rapidly
From rigid animal silhouette
To a herky-jerky dancer
This Housebat Management Quarterly article will have to wait
While I run inside to put on my dancing shoes
And get a little towel to wipe the froth from your cheek

If the planes are really quiet and flying low, stay outdoors and breathe deeply!

Shilajit

Steve Landesberg passed away last month
Old Steve had a great gift
He could set three quarters on the back of his hand
And flip them so they all landed on heads
The good times were aplenty when spending them with Landy
His wry wit could turn any bad mood around
He was more than a veteran character actor
In fact he hated that label
Steve Landesberg was not usually a violent man
But he never backed down from a fight
Whether in a train station restroom
Or in a backlot trailer with his pants around his thighs
Landy knew how to step things up a notch
He learned how to kill in Korea
And brought those skills home with him
Unlike the child he fathered while stationed there
Jung Park finally made it to the United States
Two days late for his biological father's funeral services
Jung had never met Landy in person
They had written several letters over the years
And had recently been emailing back and forth (using computers)
Neither man had ever claimed to have eaten human flesh
Because neither had done so or felt compelled to lie and say they had
Jung could taste his own tears streaming down his face
Tears shed for the loss of a veteran character actor
Who happened to be his dead biological father

Go see a movie about your dad! Probably "Jaws" or a Peter Fonda film.

Medical Marijuana

Smoke medical marijuana
Eat medical Cheetos
Eat medical Milk-Duds

Congratulations and welcome
To the world of the medicated
You are in good company

Our bodies, though resilient
Are mobile catastrophes
Like a city bus fleet

Not to imply that your bus is medicated
Or that your lack of motivation
Is from smoking pot

And that words like "repurposing" and "trending"
Have taken away your choice in these matters
Because we are all doctors, linguists, or mechanics

Your grocery list is an obituary!

Geritol

my god you are old
which makes life friendly or mean
because of your pain

Think about your own death tonight. But then forget it and have some microwave popcorn!

Human Breast Milk

You've been drinking human breast milk
Purchased from a lactating real estate agent
She says the money will tide her over
Until she gets Buick running again
Because it's hard to make a living selling homes
With the market the way it is
And it's hard to meet the right kinds of people
With the world being such a mess

Use a woman as a sofa! Don't eat lunch on the sofa!

Plum

you ask for a plum
Wyoming sings through her teeth
how's about a plum?

You're a stonefruit. Even now!

Hibiscus (Andy Garcia Innocence Project)

Most of the "short-leathers" had figured out the Andy Garcia lottery scam before they were too deep into it and got out. The "loop-trippers" were not so astute. Most of the loops had maxed out their credit cards and borrowed against their retirements. By the time the first investigative news story broke about the Andy scratchers having worthless prizes (Circuit City gift cards and signed self-portraits of Gary Coleman) the leathers had taken their damage and moved on to the Ron Howard 3D Career College scam. The loops had gone completely ballistic, burning effigies of Andy and shouting, "Andy! We're burning effigies of you!"

Use life's lessons to strengthen your Garcias.

Ghanty Root (Muerte "ganto")

Death was third in line at the animal shelter drive-through window
His AMC Matador stalled, even after he did the gas pedal trick
The trick had always worked before
You wait five seconds...tap the pedal until you heard the whir
Then ease up, but not all the way
The Mexican guys in the car behind him helped push him to a parking space
And Death knew his workday was shot

42 dogs and 64 cats zoomed through the air that day,
Whiskers to the wind and smiling!

Kangen Water (rare nutrient alert!)

drink Kangen Water
I hear it is pretty rare
for a nutrient
Kangen Water piss
is the best piss you can buy
if you're buying piss

Hold close the ones you love. Sentence write in order wrong!

Ester-C

autosaved draft post
pokes through shipshape mud
in the peristaltic ocean
we go seaward hopeful
islands with cartoon deer
will beckon us to port
onboard your coffee reeks
like arguing skunks
but it warms our hands
a return to list of posts

Gently put bleach in your eye: It stings!

Mr. Guam

Randy the snitch almost blew our wetworks assignment
One helicopter ride and the boy opened up
Like a steamed clam
Like an icon
The cleanup went off without a hitch
Meaning nothing; Saying nothing
Their oil is our butter
Perfect for clams

Try camping during a storm! Nature is perfect!

Tripe

John Travolta stomach surgery lets implicators free
Demanding "Big 3" layoffs
While settlers promote "Sex Day" and hold collective breaths
We traverse pickled canyons to watch our own deaths
Lamenting the lack of proper tackle to catch brown trout

This was supposed to be the last nutrient. Fuck you!

Super Splendid Flavor Laugh

Thom Yorke diede todaye
Billy Idol never dies
Thom Yorke diese eache daye

Disassociate
You have the latest software
Dennis Callaci

Abridged perversion
Very few understand it
Dennis Callaci

Please try to regulate your speech. Mistakes are hard to erase.

Calcium Carbonate (Three Joke Haiku)

he was bon-i-fied
put her drink onto my tab
that's shale in the treads

Don't ever get your hopes up. Remember your leafy greens!

Earth Clinic tells me that "Molasses Cures Cancer!"

This all makes sense to me now, because in December of 2005, I read the following:
B&G Foods has signed an agreement to acquire the Grandma's Molasses brand from Mott's LLP, a Cadbury Schweppes Americas Beverages company, for US$30m in cash and certain assumed liabilities.

Which immediately made me think about the CEO and Director of B&G, David L. Wenner. According to the B&G website:
Prior to joining B&G Foods, Mr. Wenner spent 13 years at Johnson & Johnson in supervision and management positions, responsible for manufacturing, maintenance and purchasing. Mr. Wenner is active in industry trade groups and has served as President of Pickle Packers International.

So, not only do you have the Johnson & Johnson connection (Read: Secret molasses/cancer research facilities located underground in the gently rolling hills of Garberville, California), you also have the "pickle" connection (Read: You can't work to cure a disease until you know how to cause said disease).

This brought me to a fascinating article from April of 2004 which had the following warning:
The Agency has issued a third update about contamination of Pran brand pickles with the illegal dye Sudan I, after it emerged that a further product, Boroi Sweet Pickle, is affected.

The connections between "Mr." Wenner and the Sudan I pickle poisonings were beginning to make sense. It seems that molasses will likely be a cure to the specific cancer one gets from consumption of the Sudan I pickle.
Again:
Dec 11, 2005 (KHARTOUM) — The Ministry of Animal Resources has said that it has confirmed that the reason behind fish perishing in the Blue Nile in Al-Jazirah State was molasses waste being discharged by the sugar factory near the area.

So it seems that the Grandma's Molasses acquisition coincides directly with a fish-killoff in the Sudan.

Makes you look twice, doesn't it?

Steve Irwin Cardiology Journal

I see that you subscribe to the Steve Irwin Cardiology Journal
I am now convinced you've given up on the medical model
That you are embracing the "new medicine" we've both derided over so many pints
I picture you holding a patient's hand and explaining, "Our verbal languages may be different, but this...this we both understand"
I warn you now, my friend
His methods have consequences both legal and ethical
And for every practitioner that successfully steps into his shoes
Twenty others lose their minds

Yes! They go insane!

Bobcat

Kim's mom transport on 09/05 to Dr. Gott at Casa Colina at 2pm
Disability info
Mody for form
Call Crystal
Lab
New mask
water
return Givens thing
bobcat

Spend more time outdoors! Go camping in 3 weeks.

Strained Lotus

she told me to meet her at the Strained Lotus
and when I asked about the cuisine she said
it's about a D+
the restaurant was more crowded than I expected
and the county considered it a B establishment
the plum wine kept coming
and so did she but that story can be told
another time
I was too drunk to drive and I asked her for a taxi
and she said she didn't have one
I had one but that story can be told
another time
we ended up at her place which is funny because
it's my place too
we had the leftovers boxed and we left them in the cab
which is fine because she was right about it
being a D+

Always wear a surgical mask when performing surgery.

Lifesmell (Corduroy vs. Machine oil)

You must be mistaken
I am not the drunk guy from the wedding
There are groups of white men
Masquerading as me
And these bastards
Confide in the bride's mother
All their regrets and,
Alternately,
Hopes
Not for the lucky couple
But for themselves
And it is because of these men
That I forward my own apology
For their behavior
On my behalf

Heart disease is only half the answer. Love early and often.

Kelp Beds and Memory Foam

your clear directions are written in clean white beach sand
against black asphalt
I use a broom to disperse the four foot F and move on
to the U
you are not mentally compromised as far as I can tell
though arguably obsessive
my arms getting sore as I sweep the C into the gutter
a passing truck turns the K into an R
your perfect kerning has not been lost on me and I move on
to the next set of san serif dunes
and the O is impossible to fully distort
becoming larger and fuzzier yet still discernible
unlike the two remaining Fs
I stand with a pushbroom in our driveway on Balboa Boulevard
in the ruins of our sandcastle

Memory foam.

Dream Crusher

I feel a strong kinship
To the remorseful killers I meet
If we could take it back
We would
We would unload the gun
Or look at ourselves and laugh
Knowing how much worse it could be
And we would be so thankful
To have another chance to live
Without the malignant, tugging ghost
Of our own creation

Try listening to the sounds of the ocean. There's peace in there somewhere.

Classic Vertical Eruption (Anti-Growing Bulge Theory)

The scientists couldn't see
That the blocked magma was inflating a water balloon
Inside a birthday cake
For little Johnny
Happy birthday little Johnny

Steve Martin is funny. I am not funny.

Kirkland Drinking Water

real pureness hugged by clear walls
an opaque lid guards against evaporation
and impurities
hired by angry queens and other imperialists
these mercenary armies of impurities
negotiate truces with one another
in order to form a more perfect union
to stand together through troubled times
to offer solace to those with sick or dying parents
and to establish unconditional positive regard
while wearing only thin cotton night-shirts
THIN COTTON NIGHT-SHIRTS
**Franz///KitchenAid///Regen-V**
when pairing John Ritter sandwich kings with
old Madonna look-alikes
we are left with a decimal on both sides of our zero
while the opaque lid does its dance of nothingness
in order to keep the water clean

Drink plenty of water every day. Be prepared for death!

God Tuchy

Yeoow!!
God touchy
Lets me let you do what you need to
And that drives Lambert crazy
Please let him go crazy
And that's what makes the water flow
And lets me be the snake
Snake boy letting god touchy go
Fantastic flow
I know oh how I know
So Lambert flexes
And I invite your guests
To your party of parties
And now I pass the test
Giant isms make me plan for the past!

Don't take child talk as serious! Borrow malt liquor now.

Claims Definition

three times in one week
talk spreads at the Salt Flats Bar
could there be tunnels?

desert vapor cloud
off-road vehicles stalling
children with helmets

the news comes in slow
uniformed men on horseback
set perimeters

Try making your own vitamins. Not so easy!

Bay Leaf

I found a handgun in my wife's underwear drawer
Two boxes of ammo and a cleaning kit
So close to her nether-garments
A firearm on a secret shelf
What if I had found panties in her gun drawer?

Go through your spouse's drawers tonight!

Nordhoff Sequence

You have read to me
Passages from the Nordhoff Sequence
And while I tried to listen
You pried my eyes open with your hope
That I would one day have a child of my own
To whom I could give such a gift
The Nordhoff Sequence was the dust in my eyes
From the rafters of your heaven
The Nordhoff Sequence object-fucked me
Of my perceived innocence
Now, with you awaiting your end
I would like to, finally, read to you

Science is religion for squares. Mad. Back. Yes.

Immediate Resource Distribution Scenario

When I called out loudly into the august August
night
Your name came out from my throat like a missile
The force was enough to drain the light from the
stars
Giving us, finally, a truly black night
And that was the night before the morning I
buried you
Immediate resource distribution scenario
And your name allowed me to label and carry you
Immediate resource distribution scenario

Corn is like grapes. Corn wine!

Frosl ("osl")

car for osl
left bank osl
terry cloth osl four-bank
lemon-four terry cloth osl bank

ten alito osl four-bank! car osl!

Wild Harvested Crystal Manna Blue Green Algae

Love, like essential products, is about taking risks
Passion, much like those things we must have, is about saying "Yes" and saying it often
Will you walk in that puddle?
Yes. Yes I will.
Will you offer the toothless man a backrub?
Yes. Of course. Risks...yes.
And whenever you open the refrigerator, will you declare that you've found the raccoon?
Yes. Yes on the raccoon find refrigerator pledge.
Trust, very much like Wild Harvested Crystal Manna Blue Green Algae, is about purposely bruising your thighs and claiming you were attacked by a forest animal (most likely a rabid deer)
My bilateral thigh bruises occurred during an assault by Nature's Mammal.
Will you win the battle with the mammal?
Yes. I will win. I take risks and I will win.

Trust and passion alone make for a very weak milkshake. Try adding a silica-based catalyst.

January Mistweed (fortified brain-nubby)

You brought me a parcel from "Francie"
She sent me a little "Faux Grox"
You, being so clever, knew I would not eat Grox
Planned the whole thing
You knew I would throw the package down
**In Disgust**
And Francie would be but a memory
She with her poultry hair
And an air of despair

Oh contrare! Oh Sinclair!

Bitters (as many as forty ingredients)

Lost girl rides a maraschino cherry like a Hippety-Hop
Clear red juice collects in erratically-spaced ponds on the imported quarry-stone patio
Her increasingly hard landings take a toll on sugar-saturated cherry skin
The once-round fruit-mount gives way to the space left from the previous pitting
And she wonders if all of her steeds will be hollow

Date-sugar is both sweet and fruity! Eat it or ride it!

Aloe (1025 hours free)

mites are everywhere
abscessed ears produce cat funk
smelling up our lives

now dog-dog has it
and her waxy canals stink
mites are everywhere

brown spots dot the sheets
as dead mites fall from cat ears
we should have had kids

A shout out to the ladies! More vagina!

Eats (Vorticum Septum Vulgaris)

Oh! Ye of strong menthol!
Come hither, Vicks snakery!
How you climb through obvious vaporial drafts
Only to cause tingling warmness!
You are strong and mineral-based
Like the dark liquid we have fought wars over
And once the wars are over
You will be there to soothe our strained alveoli
You will comfort the limbless soldiers
Who bonded with one another amidst sandstorms and prostitutes
With a frightening explosion now and then
It's hard to pry these men apart
From the morbid gravity of memories
And the understanding of honor
That can never be duplicated among civilians

Lock and load! Try some zinc lozenges along with your Vicks!

Commiphora Resin

a sober driver
car is gassed up; oil looks fine
such a long, clean road

passing mile markers
and unintentionally
I read a billboard

I am admonished
to please drink responsibly
they must know better

If you meet the Buddha on the road, acknowledge him with brief eye contact and a slight nod. He likes that.

Salvia Divinorum (Labiatae)

I waited until Significant Other took the hit
When She ran to the kitchen I figured I had better put the pipe down
Her face was red and dry like the felt on a Christmas stocking
And Her eyes were dark stars or buttons. Whatever.

Emergency room doctor nodded while I talked
Having heard these same lies under slight variations in circumstance
My guilt must have made the air around us taste sour
Because his concern-face bunched up into a look of disgust
As if he had licked the metallic shame from the back of my mouth

And She had lost Her mind and gained it back in two hours
Or so She had us all believe for the past few months
But something inside of Her was different in a very bad way
Pounding the message home like an ABC After-School Special
And her eyes were dark stars or buttons. Whatever.

Treasure what you have. Or don't. Whatever.

Methylene Chloride (turn the channel)

I recently received a complaint from a woman
Who blamed Visual Nutrients for her son's allergic reaction
To althea root
And it's not that I don't feel bad
About her stupid kid's decision
To read a nutrient he had a known allergy to
I guess I just feel bad
That I received a complaint
Because reading Visual Nutrients is a choice
And most of the time it's a healthy choice

Do not read tonight's nutrient! Reading is never completely safe.

Phosphorus Pentachloride

John McCain brings flowers to his wife
hoping she won't ask about the horrific torture
he underwent while a prisoner during the Vietnam War
he looks into her eyes and knows she has a question
inside, he shrivels and waits
"did they make you eat their shit?"
not as bad an inquiry as last week
when she wanted to know about the bent metal rod
and how they were able to push it so far inside him
without killing him
dinner is on the table
but he looks at the beautiful roast
and can only think about the taste of shit

Try controlling others with your thoughts! Now try controlling yourself!

Chocolate Calcium Chews

Oh my god! Is this candy or a nutritional supplement? I am so...
echoes of a crackling fire
it is night and you try to stay warm
I could eat a hundred of these! The flavor...
insects rise from their slumber to harass you
thin cloth does not shield you from nature's attack
What I hate most is having to unwrap each one! Why can't it be a big...
bones are found years later
archaeologists assign numbers to your pieces

There is no noble death. Prepare the slides.

Aspartame

I stopped by your grave tonight
It was hard to read your name because there wasn't much light
There were cemetery thugs hiding out in the darkness
The sounds of automobiles penetrated the starkness
I didn't stay long and there was no deep thought
Someday you'll come back as a robot
Except you'll have a human head
And you'll be singing the songs of Lobo and Bread

I found a diary underneath a tree. A simple man!

Cholecalciferol (Vitamin D3)

possum and raccoon
an animal rivalry
they could be brothers

one stupid, one smart
road-kill and the hotdog thief
grew up together

raccoon getting laid
while possum falls off a fence
nature is not fair

uber-cool face mask
versus thick scabby armor
raccoon always wins

Try imagining yourself as the raccoon! You make others feel bad!

D-glucarate (ambition vs. retention)

new-technology Furby stares at me through fleshy eyelids
I read the paper and solve the world's problems
in my head
new-technology Furby has a more ape-like appearance
and toes that look like individual uncircumcised penises
and I make a mental list of things to do today
new-technology Furby comes with a plastic spoon to assist in its feeding
and I am reminded of the Who song, "Substitute"
new-technology Furby competes with the dog for attention
and the dog wins every time

Profound statement. Ironic, whipsmart rejoinder nullifying profound statement.

Clam-Shell Calcium (clam)

you wore a shawl over your lower parts
even being otherwise naked
or nude, otherwise
except for that damned shawl
always covering
what I knew to be a very valuable pearl
that you kept between your legs
and this pearl was rumored to be the size
of a small marble
and perfectly round
held still by your labial folds
with opaque oily swoops and rainbows
defying the pretentiousness of other pearls
by being as spectacular as its setting
which, of course, are your labial folds

Electricity has made you more of a saint. I fainted when they tainted the paint!

Gator Testes (andro-sympathetic)

You are from Florida
and I hate you
What have you done to help others?
Yes. Nothing.
You are from Florida
and Wilma's on her way
Do you know her other name?
I bet you don't
I bet you think god's on your side
You are wrong.
God hates Florida
God hates you
God hates her other name

A good "B" supplement can help you if you're a drinker. A decent relationship can't hurt, either.

Hydrocodone (You Got Your Peanut Butter in my Chocolate Remix)

Yes the Vicodin is good and tasty sweet
But the jar of peanut butter is tucked away
--behind the meat
Oh yes, behind the meat is a jar of the jammy
Waiting for your taste buds to call to their mammy
So the chocolate is Hershey's and the bar is hard
There's a multiracial gathering
In the yard
--behind the meat

Try treating your pain with acupuncture. Then don't.

Fairy Dust

sometimes we adults
want to let the wind just blow
against our buildings

tensile strength tested
our engineers rarely err
while assessing air

the warm wind fools us
comfort everywhere outside
with static building

magnesium flares
how were we so lost in thought
that we just dried up?

Do not trust in magic. Nature is not magic.

Core Values (a tribute to the living)

looking at my mom
and wondering who carved out
her immortality
and made her just another person
in the struggle

I see the medical staff
some whom I have worked with
and I am familiar with their lies
and up until two weeks ago
so was she

the 21st century
has done away with the white labcoat
and given way to off-the-rack suits
stylish yet affordable
in the era of HMOs

dramatically, she asks me to have her cremated
so I pretend to arrange it immediately
from her bedside phone
and she slaps the bed with her hand and says
"hang up that goddamn phone"

What I would give for some "anytime minutes" about now.

Grain Alcohol (Everclear)

Drunk friend finally found himself in my mirror
"What does drunk friendship mean to you?"
I replied that he should not be using my mirror
"Will you save me this time?" asks drunk friend
I again replied, though this time differently than my first reply:
Haiku Second Reply
there was a savior
His name was Jesus H. Christ
He wore a nice suit

if He came to you
you would reject His offer
of no closing costs

but He is long gone
He took the Feds' offer of
witness protection

The second reply is always a thin riddle! Thiddle!

Wooden Secrets (House of Car)

I am expelling
and you are falling asleep
we both work so hard

expectations suck
as Nature's little tricks laugh
and again, we write

the tragic line up
for a spot with one of us
ignore them, kind of

Sorrow can tear through any structure! We defeat ourselves!

Chicken Nutrients (A Marital Blessing for Stella and Tim)

Like a forklift in motion
He'll grab a nearby spoon and plunge it into the pot
Pulling up a hot, savory surprise
He'll longingly blow on the spoon
And at last, open his mouth to taste my love potion
The Nutrients of Marriage are the Nutrients of Chicken

Tryptophan
A lonely chicken
His posture a crooked road
Where will he travel?
Vitamin B3 (niacin)
The plucky young hen
Dances to the radio
Her beak mouthing words
Protein
A chance meeting now
Lone traveler and dancer
Beaks touch; Feathers twitch
Vitamin B6 (pyridoxine)
How can birds feel so?
That four wings have twice the lift
Allowing full flight
Phosphorus
But these birds will stay
These birds will scratch together
Sharing worms and seeds
Calories (223)
A free-range lifestyle
Watching black and white sunsets
What all birds strive for

Happy marriage! Lots of love to both of you!

Molybdenum (Post-Redux)

You are so dumb
Your brain is numb
And your father? Your father is a bum
And like you, he always wants some
chorus
Molybdenum- it's the nutrient of choice
Helping the speechless find their voice
Molybdenum- from dandelion greens
Helping the helpless make the scene
verse
Cat got your tongue?
Thinking about your mum?
You treat her like chum
Do sharks have tongues?
chorus ii
Molybdenum- taking over this town
Out on the dance-floor spinning around
Molybdenum- to some degree
Is adored by all on bended knee
chorus iii
Molybdenum- controlling your thoughts
Innocence lost in terra-cotta pots
Molybdenum- borrows your things
Book covers stained with coffee rings
chorus iii.5
Molybdenum- god is dead
All worth saying has all been said
Molybdenum- the battle is lost
The theme song's written by Mike Post

Never stop while you're ahead! You're ahead!

Garlic (Accident)

Please drink the anti-freeze
Imagine it's good wine (not great wine)
And you'll get through it
Please write a letter to all the men you've slept with
And tell them that you meant it
Each and every time
Because you really did
And please be a burden
In your next life, too

You are like a hurricane! A southern man don't want him around anyhow!