Aberic Acid (Orizanin)

I answered the phone and the woman said
"I'm from U.S. Bank and I can offer you a great rate on an accidental death and dismemberment policy."
Before she could continue (she really wanted to continue), I stated:

There is very little chance that my death or dismemberment will be accidental

There are no accidents! Intentional dismemberment is trending strong!

The Tasting Game (military edition)

do not mention your father
because to think that your father played the tasting game
disgusts us as a group
but as a group we doubt
that your father was really evil or sick enough
to play the tasting game
even though we all have memories
of blindfolds and cameras
and tickling
why are tickles so wanted and feared at the same time?

Your father was a great man. Thank god he's dead.

Borage Oil (from borage)

there was a little devil
his name was Ortho Fez
he did not use the ashtray
he only had one friend
I was friends with Ortho
and took him to the mall
he thought the Montclair Plaza
was not a worthy mall

Use your gift certificate. You're stupid.

Spearmint (anti-emetic)

the shoes are in the entryway
the carpet is pristine
you use a scented freshener
every time you pee
you use the terminology
that fits with your profession
but sometimes with your varied moods
you give a bad impression
I don't want you to take this wrong
but I think I have to tell you
even with your scented spray
all of us can smell you

Judge others quickly and mercilessly. Then just wait and watch!